Saturday, April 30, 2005

Long Story for the Weekend # 3: Brett from Blafayette

Here's another long story for the weekend. If this is your first time to Barely Legal: The Blog. Check out one of our more bite sized posts. May I suggest The People You Meet In Law School #5: Jean Shorts Guy.

Mike and I have a good friend who, for the sake of this blog we’ll call Brett, from Blafayette, Bindiana. If you can figure out his true identity, more power to you.

Brett recalled a story from his youth the other day that Mike and I found quite amusing. Here it goes.

When Brett was 17 he worked in a factory in the rural Midwest. Often times, orders would slow and Brett would have the opportunity to make small talk with his coworkers, most of whom considered factory work a long-term proposition.

Brett began talking with a guy in his late 20s about girls and the guy interjected, “Who’s your favorite porn star, man? I love Jenna Jameson.”

Brett had to confess that he had, in fact, never seen a porno movie. “I’m only 17. I’m not allowed to watch them.”

“Well that’s a damn shame, my man,” said the older, but not necessarily wiser, co-worker. “Hell. I’ll sell you one of mine.”

Brett and his mullet-headed colleague made the pricing and pick-up arrangements. A few days later Brett was the proud new owner of "Extreme Janine Closeup.” When Brett got home he realized that his god-fearing, NASCAR-watching, red-state parents would not be pleased if they found this “filth” in his room. Brett, therefore, decided to play it safe. Brett took off the cover of the video and went out to the garage where he put the cover in the garbage and shifted some more garbage over it. If his parents found the actual tape it would just look like, at first glance, a copy of “The Dukes of Hazzard” that he was known to record off of TBS.

The next day, Brett walked into his house to find to find his mother and father standing there.

“Brett, we need to talk to you,” said his mother. She pulled out the coffee ground stained porno video cover that Brett had hidden in the garbage the day before. “Brett, I found this while taking out the trash. Your father and I are very worried about you. Do you know that most serial killers start out by watching pornography?”

Brett’s father nodded sternly during the lecture.

Brett stammered and looked sheepishly at the ground.

“Brett, what do you do when you watch this? No. Wait. Don’t answer that!” said his mother. “The point is we’re very concerned. Aren’t we dear?”

Brett’s dad just said, “Yes. Very.”

Surrounded on all sides by moral indignation, it occurred to Brett that 1) he was only a few months from being able to walk into the local Family Video and rent this without recrimination, 2) The video was hardly pablum for wanna-be serial killers as it was“soft-core” porn, and 3) that his Dad should understand all of these points for a variety of reasons. At this point, Brett decided to throw his dad under the bus.

“What are you on my case for? Dad has porn magazines out in the garage,” Brett interjected.

Brett’s mom shot his father a look that could kill.

Brett’s dad turned bright red and said, “Those are Playboys from years ago! They’re just collector items.”

“Then why are a bunch of them Hustlers from 1998?” quipped Brett.

Brett’s mom’s brow narrowed and crinkled further as her gaze ate into his father.

“That’s it. I’m out of here,” said Brett and he stood up and left.

His parents must have realized how much they overreacted and that the "soft-core" apple doesn’t fall far from the “all anal-action” tree. They never brought it up again.

Today, Brett is a full grown man who buys all the porn he wants.

Friday, April 29, 2005

People You Meet During Exams #1: The Possum

Exam time brings out a whole new set of law school characters. They lie dormant all semester, until the stress of having their future ride on the results of a few tests brings these creatures out into the open. One such creature is The Possum. The Possum is the person, often a girl, who will jokingly talk about how badly they are going to fail. The Possum will compliment your knowledge of the material while deriding her own. One of the favorite jokes of The Possum is to say, "Sit next to me, so I can copy off you!"

For someone so sure that she is about to fail, she is in surprisingly good spirits, isn't she? Is she drugged? Did she have a self-actualization on the last day of class and realize that she isn't meant to be in law school, and is just finishing out the semester for good measure? Is she just happliy content with being below average? Of course not. As you can gather from the name, The Possum is just playing dead.

In reality, she is fully confident in her ability to succeed on her exams. Her "playing dumb" is just a smokescreen to hide the many hours she spends perfecting her outlines and memorizing the UCC. Of course, the following semester, when she learns that she got a 3.7, she acts genuinely surprised, as if it were some fluke.

At the end of the day, I like to have The Possum around. She is sort of like a stripper: She makes you feel better about yourself, even though you know she is lying.

Law School: My Plan B

Earlier this year, I had to meet with the person who approves how much money we can ask the loan companies for. I had this discussion with her.

Russ: It seems like more money when my name is beside the amount.

Loan Lady: Yeah, but soon you'll be a lawyer and you'll be making lots of money. You'll pay it off in no time.

Russ: Actually, my plan is to marry rich.

Loan Lady: Oh, really.

Russ: Yes. So, I need your help. I need you to tell me if any women come in here asking for very small loans.

Loan Lady: (laughs) OK!

I'm still waiting.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Interviewing Fun

A few weeks ago I had an interview with a Personal Injury firm. The interview began with me talking to a young associate who graduated from my school a few years ago. After discussing the firm and my qualifications, he brought one of the partners in to meet me. Our conversation diluted into pointless small talk when the partner asked me what I thought about tort reform. I hadn't thought about tort reform since the November elections, and even then I never thought enough about it to form an opinion. But considering my audience, I improvised and told them why I was strongly opposed to tort reform, although I'm not sure if I made much sense.

Partner: "Wow, you sure feel strongly about this. I heard they have a tort reform club over at your school. Is this true?"

Mike (not wanting to dig myself in deeper than I already was): "I don't know. They have a club for everything."

Partner: (laughs) "There sure were a lot of clubs. I didn't have time for too many."

Mike: "Yeah, I can think of better ways to spend my Thursday lunch hour than meeting with the Elder Law Society."

Associate: "I was president of the Elder Law Society."

Mike: "Oh ...(awkward pause) Well, it's really gone downhill since you left."

Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Online Law Schools

It has recently been brought to my attention that on-line law schools exist. This sounds pretty appealing; no Socratic method, no pretentious class mates, no locker. If Abraham Lincoln learned the law by candlelight alone, why can't I learn it in just the soft glow of my Dell Laptop?

There is one thing troubling about on-line law schools, though. How do these people get jobs? Career Services tells us that our two options for getting a job are OCI, which requires a campus, and networking, which requires meeting other people.

I wonder if they have some sort of online career services. It would probably be just as effective as regular career sevices. They probably use a chat room like the one below:


OnLine Law School: Room 7

2L_Cutie: Does anyone need to hire a lawyer? Press 77!

Law_Lover_808: Who likes Jessica Simpson???? Press 55!!!!

ScaliaRox21: n e hot textualist ladies wanna cyber? IM me

2L_Cutie: I'm in the top 10% of my virtual class. Does anyone want to hire me. I can telecommute from home. Press 77!

FeeSimpleAbsolut: any1 on virtual bar review? I am

Law_Lover_808: A/S/L?

2L_Cutie: I don't have to give my age or sex! That would violate the Equal Opportunity Act! I'm a serious e-student! I've even underlined all my e-briefs by pressing CTRL+U.

LaWsChOoLsUx: shutup fee, no1 cares. u probably wear business cas to sit n front of ur computer

2L_Cutie: LOL!

ScaliaRox21: n e hot textualist ladies wanna cyber? IM me

Law_Lover_808: 55 y o M hiring partner looking for love. Seeking F 18-30 for discreet times. Press 55 ;)

2L_Cutie: 55 ;)

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Unsolved Mysteries

(In Robert Stack's monotone narraration)

September 1992, Ohio State Law School. After losing a faculty gin rummy tournament, Professor George Eisner was forced to teach the 1L required course, Criminal Law. While discussing mens rea, an eager 1L, Stephanie Flowers, raised her hand and posed the following question.

Reenactor playing Stephanie Flowers: What if someone was attacking you while you were sleepwalking and you subsequently killed them? Would that be self defense even though you didn't know if they threatened you with lethal force?

Reenactor playing Prof. George Eisner: Well that gets into all sorts of questions about the requisite level of consciousness and its effects on deterrent. Next question?...

Young miss Flowers' question was never answered. It remains to this day an "Unsolved Mystery" as to what would happen in this impossible hypothetical.

UPDATE

February 2003, Arizona State University Law school, Torts class. James Dobson, old guy, asks a very similar question.

Reenactor playing Dobson: Would you be liable if you were sleep walking and hit someone else that was sleep walking. Who would be at fault? How could anyone tell what happened?

Reenactor playing professor: Well, looks like we're out of time.

If you have any tips as to how this mystery can be solved, call our hotline at (517) 555-5140.

Monday, April 25, 2005

People You Meet At Law School #11: Hypo Man

"To dream the impossible dream"
-sung by Don Quixote in 'Man of La Mancha'

In the 1970’s and early 80’s, school across the nation encouraged their students to develop strong imaginations. Most children didn’t need encouragement to be imaginative, but a select group of humorless, boring children were moved by the idea and developed a strange and unique ability, almost a compulsion, to use their imaginations to concoct impossible scenarios and present them to authority figures.

“Daddy, if a robber put a gun to your head and made you choose which kid to keep and which to kill, who would you choose?”… “Mommy, what would happen if the wheels all fell off the car while we’re driving?”… “Rabbi, if I ate ham when I was supposed to be fasting for Yom Kippur, would a lightening bolt come from the sky and strike me down?”

Shunned by most of society for this annoying superpower, these children grew up and realized there was only one place where they could fully realize their gift: Law school. Thus, many of these children are now known today simply as: Hypo Man!

He can raise his hand faster than a speeding bullet! His imagination is more powerful than a locomotive! Able to create ridiculous scenarios in a single bound!

Most of the time, Hypo Man lives his life as his alter ego, a normal law student. He socializes with other students, jokes around, goes out to the bars, and complains about classes and professors. However, during class, this misguided superhero is on high alert, mistakenly thinking that his powers will be needed whenever his “Hypo-Sense” starts tingling. Often, it happens like this:

The professor asks for questions. Hypo Man thinks, “This looks like a job for…Hypo Man!” and his hand shoots up. Before you know it, Hypo Man is talking about subconscious intent or events happening simultaneously in different parts of the country. The professor thought he was going to get a simple question, but instead is faced with an intricate and impossible scenario. Hypo Man’s work is complete.

After class, Hypo Man returns to his fortress of solitude (the law library) to pour over the restatement or MPC, looking for holes that would open up possibilities for another ridiculous hypothetical.

Like any superhero, Hypo Man must have a nemesis. It may seem impossible to deter Hypo Man from weaving his hypotheticals, but one type of professor can neutralize Hypo Man’s powers: The Evil Professor Socrates . When Hypo Man smugly asks his question of this professor, the professor will ask Hypo Man what he thinks. At this point, Hypo Man will freeze. Because, much like Superman’s nemesis, Mr. Mxyztplk (who cannot say his own name backwards), Hypo Man can concoct a hypo to counteract any rule of law, but he does not have the ability to answer his own questions

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Ann Coulter


Ann Coulter: 80% calves

Some liberals have been upset that Time Magazine chose to put Ann Coulter on their cover. What's the big deal? They put Hitler on the cover, didn't they? And he didn't even have to show his legs to help bolster his arguments.

I have to say that I really dislike her, though. I'm admittedly not well versed in her opinions as I've never read her books but I've seen her on TV saying outrageous things several times. Besides just her opinions, here's what really bothers me about her; she's a statuesque, blonde, arguably beautiful, white woman who was raised by a good family in New Canaan, Connecticut, and to top it off she's very bright (Editor of University of Michigan Law Review). She has won every single one of life's lotteries and yet, instead of humbly enjoying her good fortune, she has the gall to make a living criticizing the less fortunate.

Of all the right wing pundits that conservatives have at their AM dial or Wal-Mart bookshelf, why do they listen to her? Doesn't she upset even them? I can understand listening to Rush Limbaugh. Rush's a guy who's admittedly had to struggle with his weight. So, at least, he can speak to overcoming obstacles. In fact, Rush is so devoted to demonstrating the human capacity for improvement that once he lost all the weight, he conveniently humanized himself again by developing a drug addiction.

It's just easier to get lectured by someone with their own faults. Then you can at least think that they know where you're coming from. This is why people love George W. Bush, he's never claimed to be perfect. Even his biggest critics have to admit that he at least pretends to be compassionate.

Considering the bevy of user-friendly and sympathetic conservatives to idolize, why does she have any appeal? I don't know but I do have my suspicions (something about her screams "dominatrix" but that probably says more about me than it does about Ms. Coulter).

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Long Story for the Weekend # 2: Adventures in Autism

I attended Sunday school from kindergarten until 8th grade. I always hated Sunday school, because religion never sat right with me. I can vividly remember arguing with my 3rd grade Sunday school teacher about why Noah’s Ark never could have actually happened. I dreaded every Sunday morning, so when my 8th grade school year came to a close, I was ready to unchain myself from the shackles of reformed Judaism and happily become the atheist I always wanted to be.

Not so fast…

A lot of high school kids served as teaching assistants to one of the Sunday school classes. My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to become a TA. I strenuously objected, but to no avail. The shackles were back on.

A few weeks before school began, the Sunday school director called me and said that she assigned me to a “special project”. She filled me in on the details: In the 4th grade, there was an autistic boy named Max. His parents wanted him to have normal experiences, which included Sunday school. However, Max needed one-on-one attention, and she told me that I was the only person who she felt could handle it. I wasn’t sure why I was the only person who could handle it, but it sounded intriguing and I accepted the position.

Now, this was 1994, I just turned 15, and the only experience with autism that I had was with the movie Rainman. In my naivety, I believed that Max would be some sort of walking encyclopedia, with advanced math skills and could do cool tricks. I actually considered the possibility of bringing my math homework in every week for Max to complete. I started looking forward to the job. Then I met Max.

Actually, I met Max and his mother, and I could immediately tell that she was using the ‘I want him to have normal experiences’ line to get a few hours of peace. A few things about Max: He could talk, but only in nonsensical phrases he learned from TV, and you still could barely understand him; He could not communicate with you, although he seemed to understand what you were saying; He did not like being touched, at all; He could not sit still for more than five minutes; He was prone to scream, any place, any time. I learned all these things first hand on the first day of Sunday school. My dreams of perfectly solved algebra equations vanished into thin air.

School started at 9:30 and went until 12:00. Our typical day went like this:

9:30 Meet in 4th grade classroom
9:40 Max throws a fit
9:41 Max and I leave the room
9:42-12:00 Max and I wander around the complex, alternating between the art room, the playground, or any other place that struck his fancy.

Max did do a few cool things. One time, he was drawing in his notebook. He would write a number on the page, draw a picture, and turn to the next page. He would then write the next number, draw another picture, and so on. He did this 45 times. When he was done, he handed it to me, and I looked at his drawings. He had been writing the channel number and logo for each of the cable channels, in order, and he was really accurate.

Another time, Max was very talkative all morning, and he was much more coherent than usual. He wasn’t talking to me, but he was talking a lot. What he was saying sounded vaguely familiar, but I wasn’t sure why. Eventually I realized that he had been reciting the dialogue, line by line, from the Addams Family movie. I figured this out when he said “Uncle Fester”, and started laughing maniacally.

But more often than not, Max was a pain. Like I said, he threw fits, and I had to calm him down. Usually it takes an experienced special education teacher to handle a child like Max. But, in a pinch, an awkward 15 year old will do. He threw so many fits that they all seem to run together. Usually his fit would start because I wouldn't let him go into a certain room, like a classroom with a class in session, or the women's bathroom. He would scream, thrash at the air, take off his shoes, and sometimes, run away. Since he hated being touched, I really couldn't restrain him. Usually I would offer him some candy to calm down, and often he did. But, if he ran away, I had to chase him and usually keep him from going someplace he shouldn't. Nobody ever told me how to restrain him if I had to, so I just used a good old bear hug. He hated it, but it worked.

The final time he threw a fit was the most memorable. It was in the spring, close to the end of the year. When his mom dropped him off, she told me that he was in a bad mood. Predictably, we didn't last long in the classroom, so we went off to wander around. He was doing okay on the playground when something set him off. I don't know what, but he bolted. He could run pretty fast, so I had to chase him. Our temple was a huge complex, so he had lots of places to go. I finally caught up with him in a quad-like area outside the entrance to the actual synagogue. He stopped running and sat down on the ground. I sat down next to him. He sat there for a few minutes, before freaking out again. He took off his shoes and threw them into the fountain in the quad. I went to fish his shoes out of the fountain when he took off running again. As soon as he took off, I knew exactly where he was headed.

In the synagogue, the entire Sunday school, along with various other people, had gathered to listen to a somewhat distinguished author and holocaust survivor. The place was packed. Max took off into the building. The doors he went through were right across from the synagogue doors, which were open. He had a head start, since I was on my knees reaching into the fountain. He ran straight into the synagogue, screaming down the center aisle. I followed in hot pursuit, holding his dripping shoes. He ran up onto the alter and laid down. I ran up after him. With the guest speaker, the Rabbis, the Sunday school director, and hundreds of people in the crowd looking at us in stunned silence, I said the only thing that I could say. "Uh, little help?" The director and the assistant Rabbi both came over and helped me get Max to stand up. We got him to walk down the steps from alter and into the main aisle. But then, he laid down again. The director, who knew how to handle him, I guess, said loudly, "Max, stand up!" He did, and I wanted to get him out of there as quickly as possible. I put my arm around his shoulders and I started to walk out. However, as soon as we started, he stopped again and tried to lie down. Since I had my arm around him (and since he only weighed about 65 pounds) I didn't let him do it. He just went limp in my arms. I was holding him at my side in my right arm with his soaked shoes in my left hand. I then started down the aisle, carrying him with me, his feet dragging along the ground. And, oh yes, he was singing some gibberish in a loud falsetto.

After that, there was only one day of Sunday school left, and his mom told me he wouldn't be there. Near the beginning of the next school year, they called and left me a message, asking if I wanted to take care of Max again. I never called back.

Postscript: Three years later, when I was 18, I was dispatched to pick up my sister from Sunday school one day. As I sat in my car in the parking lot, I saw a set of doors fly open. Max ran out in a full sprint. A few seconds later, a gangly young teenager followed, shouting for him to stop. The circle of life continues.

Friday, April 22, 2005

The True Meaning of Christmas

Ever notice how the theme of every Christmas movie is that the characters discover the "True Meaning of Christmas". While they don't spell out the true meaning of Christmas for you (because then they'd have to admit it's not Jesus) the movies imply that the true meaning is thanks and gratitude for family, friends, generosity, etc.

Wait a minute, isn't that the meaning of Thanksgiving? How did we forget to be thankful in just a month? Why do we need a reminder of this value so soon?

Does this mean that Christmas is just the holiday version of a second wife(a little sexier, a little more fun) where you eventually become disappointed by her superficiality and begin to miss old Mrs. Thanksgiving?

The People You Meet At Law School #10: The Federline

"Well, I look at it as she kind of scored me... Nah, I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking."
-Kevin Federline, on Access Hollywood, when asked how he scored Britney Spears.

Between personal observations and everything we’ve picked up from Dylan McKay, Ryan Atwood or whoever Johnny Depp was going undercover as on "21 Jump Street," we have learned one thing about high school: Women love a good looking bad boy who plays by his own rules.

But what happens to those bad boys after high school? A string of relationships based on looks alone. It's only a matter of time, however, before they realize that working hard and studying will only get them so far. It dawns in them that their best prospect for a happy life always has and always will be by latching themselves onto a successful woman. And where else to find a successful woman than in law school? They dutifully take the LSAT, charm female professors into writing good letters of recommendation, and show up at orientation under the guise of seriously wanting to practice law. But once they've found their ambitious shark-lady, this high school lothario attaches himself to her like a remora and becomes The Federline.

Even at first glance, the couple doesn’t make sense. He could do better in the looks department, and she could do better in the ambition department. It is clear to everyone around them that the guy is just mooching off of her, so why does the girl stay with the Federline? Does she have unresolved issues? Does she just enjoy a project? Or does she think that of herself as the relationship equivalent of Enrique Iglesias’s mole, i.e. that she's subsequently cuter by association?

Come summer associate time, the Federline dutifully follows his girlfriend/cash machine to her place of employment and gets a part time job. After a 16 hour day, it's all worth it to the girl as she holds her Federline and nuzzles under his chin. While she's doing so, she may be apt to think, 'Why does he smell like the beach? I thought he had to work today?'

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Email Exchange # 1

Some people ask us where we get our ideas. Most of the time it's from writing emails back and forth when we should be studying. Here's an example:

Russ: Do you ever think about how creepy a lot of music was in the 50s and 60s? Grown men in their 30s would rhapsodize about the beauty of teenage girls half their age. The below song would never make it to the airwaves, today, for the bracketed reasons.

You're Sixteen (You're Beautiful and You're Mine)
originally released in 1960 performed by Johnny Burnette.

You come on like a dream
Peaches and cream
Lips like strawberry wine
You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're mine
Mine all mine
(All right, I'm going to assume for the songwriter's sake that everything he just said was not a euphemism. Strawberry wine? We just established that she's 5 years below the drinking age)

You're all ribbons and curls
Ooh, what a girl
Eyes that sparkle and shine
You're sixteen...
Mine all mine, mine, mine
(A little possessive aren't we? That's got to be some kind of warning sign)

You're my baby, you're my pet
We fell in love on the night we met
You touched my hand, my heart went pop
Ooh, when we kissed, I could not stop
(Now, the guy admits that he has no ability to control himself in a physical situation)

You walked out of my dreams
And into my car
Now you're my angel divine
You're sixteen... (3X)
(He's even laid out his Modus Operandi. Don't get into a car with strangers!)

Mike: Those were much simpler times. In those days, all it took to attract a man was chantilly lace, a purty face, and a pony tail hanging down. Such things like a wiggling walk and a giggling talk could make a man's world go round. All it took to make a guy act funny and spend money was a big-eyed girl. These relationships were innocent. All the guy wanted was to feel real loose like a long necked goose. That's what he liked.

Law School vs. High School

The past two days we have been searching for an educational experience that law school is superior to. On Tuesday, med school easily outdistanced law school. Yesterday, law school was upset by barber college. Today we are going to set the bar low and see how law school stacks up against high school.

Career Options With Diploma
Law School: Any number of areas of law, and many non-legal careers as well
High School: I hear Jiffy Lube starts at $8.50 an hour
Advantage: Law School

Point of Pride
Law School: Moot Court team
High School: Football team
Advantage: High School. 5000 people never showed up to watch a fake court proceeding.

Attendance Policy
Law School: If any policy at all, you can miss so many classes before your grade is lowered
High School: Unexcused absence results in Saturday school
Advantage: Law School. (Unless you get to have Saturday school with Molly Ringwald)

Formal Dance
Law School: Barrister's Ball
High School: Prom
Advantage: Law School. There is no awkward teenager dressed up in a tux he had to work 60 hours at McDonalds just to rent (and they serve alcohol) .

Best 80's Movie About School
Law School: Soul Man
High School: The Breakfast Club
Advantage: Law School. C. Thomas Howell in black face to get a minority scholarship to Harvard. Enough said.

What To Do If The Mainstream Kids Don't Like You
High School: Become a goth.
Law School: Join the Federalist Society
Advantage: Law School. The goths have never stacked the federal judiciary.

Blow Off Class
Law School: Torts
High School: Gym
Advantage: High School (unless you are fat)

Bathroom Policy
Law School: Get up and leave if you have to go.
High School: You can only go if the teacher signs your hall pass.
Advantage: Law School

Pointless Organization with No Real Power
Law School: Student Bar Association
High School: Student Government
Advantage: Tie. A fake governing body is a fake governing body, no matter where you are.

There you have it, Law School prevails over High School by a score of 6-2-1. We can all now look down upon high school kids, knowing that our current educational experience is vastly superior to their own.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The Moment I Realized Law School Wasn't All It Was Cracked Up To Be

On the second day of class as a 1L, several classmates and I were discussing a possession case that we had read for property. One guy reiterated the holding, which was essentially that possession is 9/10ths of the law. Being a smartass, I replied, "Ah yes, that goes back to the classic case of Finders vs. Keepers." The guy looked at me, then started tearing through his book. "I didn't see that case. Where did you find it? Were we supposed to read it?"

Law School vs. Barber College

Well, it looks like Med School beat Law School yesterday in our comparison. Perhaps we were getting our hopes up comparing ourselves to Doctors (we’ll just stick to suing them). Let’s be a little more realistic, today, and see how Law School stacks up against…Barber College.

Risks in Your Profession
Law School: you could ruin someone's life by not filing a piece of paper on time.
Barber College: Rat bite.
Advantage: Barber College. Hair grows back.

Conversation
Barber College: Boring customers explain mundane details of their life to you while you cut their hair.
Law School: Classmates discuss hypotheticals that could never happen.
Advantage: Barber College. At least the conversations are about reality.

Celebrity You’ll Be Associated With

Barber College: Ice Cube
Law School: Reese Witherspoon
Advantage: Barber College. Ice Cube is, arguably, the better rapper.

How You Advertise Your Business
Barber College: Colorful Moving Pole
Law School: Full page ad in the yellow pages.
Advantage: Barber College. Who uses the phonebook anymore?

Odd Wardrobe Accessory

Law School: Navy Officers Uniform, a la a Few good men and Philadelphia.
Barber College: Apron.
Advantage: Barber College. When you’re in an apron there’s no pressure to do something romantic when you hear “Up Where We Belong.”

What People Don't Understand About Your Profession
Law School: What a tort is.
Barber College: What that jar of blue water with the combs in it is for.
Advantage: Barber College. There's no class called "Jar of Blue Water".

Musical Pastime
Law School: Law Revue
Barber College: Barbershop Quartets
Advantage: Barber College. Changing the words to a song is not talent, it's plaigerism.

Societal Approval, Respect, and Prestige
Law School: Lots of it (outside all the jokes).
Barber College: Basically, the only graduate program for those with a GED.
Advantage: Law School. No mother has ever exclaimed, "My son, the barber"

Uh Oh, it's a 7-1 domination by Barber College, the cinderalla story of the season. Looks like Law School will have to be sent back to the minors. Tune in tomorrow to see how Law School compares against it's next opponent.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

DC Follies

A congressman just came to our law school to give a speech about the Patriot Act and it's amending act, the SAFE Act.

When the congressmen opened the floor up for questions some wacky townie got a hold of the mike and asked, "How can you explain the contradiction between passing the SAFE Act and supporting the School of the Americas in Ft. Benning Georgia, which is funded by the Department of Defense to overthrow foreign governments?"

The congressman replied, "I'm not sure what you're talking about".

"You've never heard of the school of the Americas?" quizzed the townie.

"No," said the congressman.

At this point, I leaned over to the guy next to me and said, "Hmm. No national presence. Must be fourth tier."

Law School vs. Med School

For an ambitious high school or college student, there are many career opportunities in front of him. Inevitably, people will ask him what he wants to do, and many will suggest law school or med school. For some reason, doctors and lawyers are grouped together as similar professions. In reality, med school is not an option for most law students, as most law students struggle with basic math, let alone organic chemistry. Doctors also have lawyers beat in other categories, such as potential income and job satisfaction. But maybe becoming a lawyer has some advantages over becoming a doctor that aren’t quite as obvious. Thus, we did a side by side comparison of law school and med school to find out which one is truly better.

Years Until Graduation
Law School: Three and out
Med School: Four, plus four years of residency
Advantage: Law School, although the third year is really unnecessary

Teaching Method
Law School: Socratic Method
Med School: Take students on rounds to see real patients
Advantage: Med School. Seeing real patients with real problems has to be more educational than some arrogant professor continually asking ‘why’.

Cool Title You Get Upon Graduation
Law School: Esquire
Med School: Doctor
Advantage: Med School. No guy has ever, ever picked up a girl by saying he’s an “esquire”

Real Life Simulation
Law School: Moot Court
Med School: Gross Anatomy
Advantage: Med School. No brainer. Cutting open a cadaver and exploring the wonders of the human body, or playing advanced mock trial with nerds from other schools.

Bottom of the Barrel
Law School: 4th Tier
Med School: The Carribean
Advantage: Med School. Another no brainer. If I’m going to attend a second rate school, I’d much rather do it in a tropical paradise.

Quirky NBC Comedy About Profession
Law School: AUSA
Med School: Scrubs
Advantage: Med School. AUSA was cancelled after about six episodes, proving even TV lawyers are boring.

Job’s Worst Case Scenario
Law School: You screw up and your client loses everything
Med School: You screw up and your patient dies
Advantage: Law School, although many people say they would rather be dead than poor.

Alternative For Those Who Can’t Cut It
Law School: Sales.
Med School: Dental School.
Advantage: Med School. Dentists can still make their car payment if they don’t sell a warranty along with the filling they just put in.

Well, there you have it, law school is trounced by med school, 6-2. Tommorrow we'll be back to see if we can find a better comparison for law school.

Monday, April 18, 2005

To the People Who Have Debates About Legal Issues In Our Comments,

Mike and I have decided that you guys are clearly the type of people that stay after class to talk to the professor.

Thanks for reading,

Russ and Mike

The Mind of a Lazy Law Student

Normally, on Mondays, I have two classes, at 9am and 1pm. However, my 1pm class has concluded for the semester, so all I have scheduled for today is my 9am. What is my response to this situation?

A. It sucks I have a 9am, but at least I'll be done after that and have the rest of the day for myself

B. Great opportunity to get some work done today, seeing as how I have a paper due Wednesday

C. If I skip my 9 o'clock....Three Day Weekend!



(The correct answer is C)

People You Meet At Law School #9: Agent Mulder

"When the doors of perception are cleansed, man will see things as they truly are, infinite."
-William Blake.

10:07 A.M. Contracts Class. Any Law School, USA.

It starts out like any normal day. Your professor walks in, the class quiets. He scans the room, and then his seating chart. "The first case I had your read for today was Crabtree v. Jones." You check your notes. Simple case, really. Explains how a partial breach by a seller is remedied in a case where the UCC does not apply.

"Agent Mulder, can you take us through this?” the professor asks.

Agent Mulder begins talking about the case. It starts off fine, but the more he talks, the less sense he makes. Agent Mulder's brow furrows with concern, "Something isn't right here", Agent Mulder says. "I think Jones entered into the contract knowing Crabtree would breach, so he could sue for damages. I think the question here is, 'what did Jones know and when did he know it?'


What the hell is he talking about? You read the case, and the case summary in Gilbert's. There is nothing there that supports Agent Mulder's theory. Where is he getting this?

The Agent Mulder is part conspiracy theorist, part pseudo-psychologist, and all moron. To Agent Mulder, a cigar is never just a cigar. He finds devious political agendas in the opinions of long-dead state court judges. He can find ulterior motives in the actions of just about any litigant. Agent Mulder has his own legal theory of interpretation: Subtextualism. Nothing means what is says, and it is up to him, a 23 year old self-imagined savant, to find out the true meaning of any text.

Unfortunately, law school's Agent Mulder doesn't have a cool-headed and attainably attractive partner to talk him out of his ridiculous theories. Rather, the law professor usually has to play the role of Scully and publicly embarrass Mulder and his crackpot theories. But don't worry; Agent Mulder can't be dissuaded, because, after all, the truth is out there.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Things To Do Instead of Studying For Exams

Rearrange your bedroom so you sleep with your head facing Mecca. You know, just in case.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

I Just Caught 'You Got Served' on HBO.

Brilliant. Simply brilliant. The dopest dance moves. The sickest dialogue. The freshest plot twists. And a cameo by Jackee'. Bravo.

I wonder if hip hop dancers feel this way when they watch "The Paper Chase".

Long Story for the Weekend

We're going to post long funny stories on the weekends. So, if this your first time at Barely Legal: The Blog, skip it and start at the beginning of the blog for Law School Humor. I strongly suggest 'The 9/11 story we didn't hear'.

In 5th grade, I was a really bad student. I lived in Canada and was in this program called “French emersion” which meant my entire classroom experience was in French. I had a really hard time with French. I guess I wasn't motivated because I had never been to France or even met a French person whose full time job wasn't teaching me French.

I was, however, a very funny student. I remember the teacher turning her back and I made a giant farting noise. When she spun around she looked right at me and I just said, "Excuse me". What was she going to do, embarrass herself by putting me through an inquisition over whether I had really farted or not? The kids laughed and she stood there impotent in the face of my facility at mimicking bodily functions.

I like to think that I was helping her, though. She was originally from Paris and was now teaching English kids in a Canadian suburb. When she was young, making out with some guy in a beret under the Eiffel Tower after eating a gourmet meal, she couldn't have been hoping that this was the way her life would turn out. My fart was a wake up call! When I pressed my palms to my lips and exhaled it said, "You don't want to be here and we don't want you here either!" Hopefully, she took my advice the right way, but I doubt it.

One day, we finally had an assignment that wasn't in French. A bunch of students from the local University came over and were teaching us about how environmental issues were very complicated. This was way too advanced for 5th graders. They were trying to teach us that many different groups had a stake in the environment, loggers, city-dwellers, Native Canadians, etc. Each group with an interest in the environment was supposed to be represented by a couple of kids. I was assigned to the Native Canadian group.

Now, keep in mind I was living in Vancouver, Canada, at the time which has politics to the left of a hippy commune. In Vancouver, the typically impression of Native Canadians was that they were noble savages at best and hapless victims of the White Man's cruelty at worst. They were able to have these one dimensional attitudes because no Native Canadians lived in Vancouver (Canada's one area of temperate climate was conveniently not allocated to them).

I, however, had just moved from Saskatchewan which was chock full of Native Canadians. People in Saskatchewan typically thought of them as just guys named "Joe Red Deer," at best, or a social liability, at worst. Reruns of “F-Troop” and institutional racism did not make me very enlightened and I carried those values with me to Vancouver.

I sat with my group as we discussed what we should do to represent Native Canadians in this hypothetical environmental quarrel. I assured my group that I knew all about Indians and that I would be happy to be the designated speaker.

After our discussions, all the designated speakers lined up at the front of the class and then one of the fresh faced college kids said, "Why don't you kids introduce yourselves?" The introductions went, thusly:

"Hi, I'm Timmy. I'm a logger."

"Michelle. I live in the city"

"I'm Cathy. I work for the environment"

And then it was my turn...

"How!" I raised my palm open and upwards as I'd seen every cartoon Native American ever do. "I'm Big Chief Eat-a-Fish"

One of the college kids then stood up and said, "Stop".

There was then a long discussion between the college kids and the teacher while we sat around. Then one of the college kids told us and that this activity was cancelled due to "racism". The college kids left in a fit of moral indignation. They would have been happy to know that I had received the perfect punishment, the teacher just went back to her lesson plan and I was forced to spend the rest of the day conjugating French verbs.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Law & Order

Like any red-blooded American, I have spent an inordinate number of hours watching Law & Order. I never actually plan to watch it, but if I'm flipping around and land on it, I inevitably end up watching the whole episode. But lately, one aspect of the show has been bothering me.

When the lawyers are arguing for some motion in front of the judge, either in the courtroom or in chambers, it is completely unrealistic. On the show, the attorneys trade pithy remarks within an easy back-and-forth banter that sounds, well, rehearsed. They rarely cite authority, and the judge always seems genuinely impressed by some obvious legal precedent.

Jack McCoy: Your honor the gun should be admitted into evidence despite the illegal search because his roommate would have given it to us anyways. It's called the inevitable discovery doctrine.

Judge: The inevitable discovery doctrine? Hmmm, interesting.

Jack McCoy (Thinking): 'Interesting? You should have learned this during Criminal Procedure, not 30 years into your career as a criminal judge.'

Judge: Counsel, please go over all the reasons for this doctrine with me one more time as though there were an audience of laymen watching us.

Jack McCoy: I'd be glad to.

Last summer I clerked for a trial judge, and sat in on countless meetings in the chambers, and they never resembled anything close to what you see on Law & Order. Usually those meetings are long, boring, and the lawyers never have that back-and-forth banter. 90% of the issues that were discussed were procedural. In Camera discussion is about as interesting and frustrating as a Vegan and a person who's Kosher discussing what restaurant they're going to go to.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Baby Mama

Today I flipped over to the R & B station, and was treated to a delightful new tune by Fantasia Barino, last year's American Idol. The song was all about how she's a Baby Mama, and how tough it is to be a Baby Mama. Reading is fundamental to young Miss Barino, so she even makes a point to have her chorus spell out "B-A-B-Y-M-A-M-A."

At one point she goes so far as to call being a Baby Mama a "badge of hona". Really, Fantasia? You sure about that one? Is there any other aspect of life where making a colossal mistake due to your own irresponsibility is considered a badge of honor? You don't see people wearing their bankruptcy proceedings on their sleeve. Nobody brags about their DUI. And this is our American Idol?

Where's the knee-jerk conservative outrage, a la Murphy Brown? Ignoring the fact that this country even has African-Americans, as usual.

Note: We must admit that conservative pundit Rush Limbaugh has not ignored America's ongoing issue with race. He came out early with his denouncement of expressing any enthusiasm for Donovan McNabb's career.

People You Meet at Law School # 8: The Canary

Sooner or later, you are going to realize that you are not the smartest/hardest-working person in law school. Whether you get retribution and remuneration mixed up or you decide you're just not willing to memorize the Model Penal Code, you will have conceded that you cannot be the best.

Having passed up the brass ring of triumph, you must seek a new benchmark for personal success. For most people, we cut right to the chase in our goal setting: to not be the worst. Arranging this is simple enough, just find a Canary.

The Canary will be your "canary" in the mineshaft that is law school. A Canary is someone who you've identified as being hopelessly clueless in law school. The Canary is rarely prepared, always confused, and has acknowledged that he is the bedrock upon which the curve will be built. His effort and understanding will be your personal minumum.

Keep the Canary at an arm's length. You want to inquire into what he's doing for school work but you don't want to get trapped in his eddy of self-destruction. Only ask him what he's doing work-wise. If he is ever doing more than you, or seems to grasp an issue better than you then be alerted! You'll need to make some serious efforts towards improvement, lest you find yourself the new Canary.

But what if you got into your school off the waitlist, with statistics in the bottom 25% of your class? Won't you be the penultimate canary of your law school? Comfort yourself in thinking back to "Happy Days" and Richie Cunningham's many moments of self doubt. Even when Richie was at his lowest and feeling like he'd never escape The Fonz's shadow, there was a goofier, redder-headed naïf doing worse than him (Ralph Malph).

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

An Argument Against Textualism

Little kids use it all the time.

Lil' Ginsburg: Can I see your toy?
Lil' Scalia: You SEE with your eyes not with your hands.

Lil' Ginsburg: I'll sell you my snack pack for 5 dollars.
Lil' Scalia: I said I'd pay you in "doll hairs"

The Blossoming of a Law Student


My Hero

Choosing a career is a tremendous task that is not to be taken lightly. Often people find themselves with "carpet sales in their blood" or a deeply personal experience that let them know that air conditioning repair was their destiny. My story is no less a dramatic and stirring tale.

Like most young men, I initially followed in my father's footsteps, and went to work for him at age 12 at the service station he owned. Not knowing anything about cars, nor caring to, I realized I had to start looking for an alternative career path. So as I puttered along in my job pumping gas and selling cigarettes, doing just barely enough to not get fired (which is ridiculously little if your boss is your father) I discovered a great talent of mine: excuse making. Every angry customer would sheepishly rescind his demands after I told him, "It's my first day" or "There was an emergency and all the management had to leave".

Drifting through the world, only armed with the knowledge that I could convince people of the veracity of my tenuous theories, I turned to the next best source for career information: syndicated television.

Owning a laundromat in Harlem, hosting "Wake Up San Fransisco", or working in a prehistoric quarry all seemed appealling, but none spoke to my talent for being flippantly convincing. Then I found my muse: "Night Court". Everyday at 6:30, Chaka Khan played Night Court's theme song and I knew that antics and innuendos would be flying for the next 30 minutes.

While the show was excellent, the character Dan Fielding, above all others, inspired me towards the law. Here was a man who felt as strongly about enforcing the law as he did in unveiling the lunacy and paradoxes rife within our society. I guess all the other characters were equally committed to those two principles, but Dan was also a ladies man. He was the Fonzi of my generation.

When you're in your early teens, you have no idea how to make women like you. But after watching "Night Court" I knew I'd be just a little more likeable if one day I had a full head of hair, a grey suit, and a rapier wit. These were all qualities of Dan Fielding, my new hero.

The show made him out to be something of a flawed character, a lonely jigalo. I, however, saw him as more of a Nietzchean superman who rejected the morals that society imposed upon him, like respect for intimacy and chastity, while still brave enough to stand up for those morals he did support, like prosecuting that homeless guy, Phil.

So, at age 12, in my living room, I vowed to remake myself in Dan Fielding's noble image. I vowed to go to law school and I fulfilled that vow (after a short career detour as a programmer during the late '90s delusional era when we thought the internet was more than a pornography machine).

Dan Fielding, what became of you? The people at NBC never saw fit to give us a reunion episode but I like to think you had a crisis of conscience and went on to work for a small legal aid clinic, helping Swedish Bikini Team members with their visa applications.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

People You Meet at Law School #7: The Frat Boy

There are many reasons why someone chooses to attend law school: Some want a good job; Some want to become a more well-rounded person; Some even want to help "change the world"; And then there is The Frat Boy. It doesn’t matter if the Frat Boy was actually in a frat or not. What matters is his attitude. He came to law school because he was distraught that his undergraduate experience ended, and sees law school as a means to extend his five year stay on campus into eight.

There are two distinct breeds of Frat Boys. The first is The Pretty Boy. This is the guy who spends an inordinate amount of time and money to make it look like he just rolled out of bed, didn’t even bother to touch his hair, and put on the first pair of khakis and Lacoste polo he found. He then walks through the halls with a quiet cockiness that can best be described as a sense of entitlement. The Pretty Boy will often hook up with The Desperate Girl, and then tell her, “you knew what this was.”

The second breed of Frat Boy is The Big Fat Party Animal. He realized at a young age that being husky means his life may be cut short by some 20 years. For that reason, he has decided to make the most of what little time he has on earth...by partying! Once his lips leave the beer pitcher he is drinking directly from, expect a witty catch phrase like "Dude", or "Go Cubs!"

The Big Fat Party Animal is not the fashion maven that The Pretty Boy is. In reality, he did roll out of bed, didn’t spend any time on his hair, instead covering it with a baseball cap. And he actually did put on the first t-shirt he came across, and ambles down the hall with a disheveled sense of entitlement.

Other students get exasperated that Frat Boy cannot appreciate the irony of his immature, alcoholic, rough housing tendencies when he's supposed to be a lawyer one day. Unfortunately, the irony tables get turned when that other student, the Frat boy, and a Partner/Judge/Supervisor have lunch and the Frat boy entertains the Partner/Judge/Supervisor effortlessly with baseball statistics and ribald stories. While the other students sits there ready to discuss legal theory, the Partner/Judge/Supervisor would rather resolve his own undergrad issues by finally getting the validation and attention of the elitist Frat boy.

Ultimately, however, The Frat Boy is not much of a scholar. When called upon in class, he stutters and stammers around until the professor mercifully moves on. The Frat Boy was in Constitutional Law for three weeks before he realized that he, in fact, did not have a right to party, and that fighting for such a right would likely land him in jail. But when it comes to your law school's social scene, The Frat Boy is ranked number one. That stuttering, stammering moron in Torts looks like a white, preppy Johnny Cochrane when he is negotiating a better price on kegs for the law school Halloween party. He might not know much about Civil Procedure, but he does know which bar has nickel beer night on each night of the week.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Random Observation

The people in law school who choose to dress in business casual still have all their dignity robbed from them when they walk around with a backpack on.

People You Meet at Law School #6: The Feminist Law Student

"I am woman, hear me roar"
-Helen Reddy

Ladies, do you know who Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton are but shrug quizzically when Camille Paglia or Gloria Steinem are mentioned? If you do, then you belong to the 99% of all women who find beauty and celebrity more intriguing than inequality and empowerment. Don't feel guilty, though, ladies, that lone 1% is picking up the slack for you and defending your rights. That 1% is so motivated to create a gender-neutral (in some cases) or gender-preferred (in others) society that they have gone to law school to become the Feminist Law Student.

The Feminist Law Student analyzes every statement and every text for unwarranted male preference. Upon, finding it, she proudly announces to everyone the inequity she has found through deconstruction. Ex: "Bush is planning on sending a probe to Mars. This is clearly prejudicial towards women as we all know that MEN are from mars and women are from Venus. I'll be preparing my own space probe to Venus in protest".

Despite having "oppressors" in her immediate family she is quick to lament her plight to other aggrieved minority groups.

Feminist Law Student: My father gave me a Barbie Doll. Can you imagine what it's like to live up to that unrealistic sexist standard.
Non-white Listener: Of course I can. Only I realized that standard was impossible at age 5 not age 15.

Spotting the Feminist Law Student is easy, as she dresses for her mood.
1) Bad Mood: West German Army Jacket. Cargo Pants. Dockers. (in a state of quiet war against the patriarchy)
2) Average Mood: Hillary '08 T-shirt and Jeans, Tennis Shoes. (as gender neutral as possible)
3) Good Mood: Cable-knit sweater, Ankle length skirt, Birkenstocks. (willing to feel just a little pretty).

Desperate Girl (People You Meet in LS # 1) hates Feminist Law Student. Desperate Girl says, "It's women like her that keep the rest of us from landing a husband"

Both Desperate Girl and Feminist Law Student hate Hot Girl (People You Meet in LS #4).

Hot Girl thinks Desperate Girl and Feminist Law Student are "Sweet. But, Feminist Law Student should really let her hair frame her face."

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Mass Email I Received Yesterday

From: MorallyIndignantLawStudent@mylawschool.edu
To: Law School Mailing List
Subject: 'After this movie, there may be hate crimes committed'

hello all,

may be of interest for those that were planning on watching the new movie coming out in May, Kingdom of Heaven. Enjoy.

http://www.theherald.co.uk/features/36340-print.shtml

MILS


The link goes to a movie coming out about the Crusades. I guess he's worried that this portrayal of a thousand year old event will spur some kind of anti-Muslim violence. I sent him this response.

From: Russ@mylawschool.edu
To: MorallyIdignantLawStudent@mylawschool.edu
Subject: Re: 'After this movie, there may be hate crimes committed'

Thanks for alerting us to this. I hope we don't see an outbreak of Frank on Saracen hate crimes in this country the way we did with Saxon on Norman hate crimes in 1991 after the release of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves".

Friday, April 08, 2005

I'd Settle For Miranda

Know how all these girl magazines (Cosmopolitan, Elle, The Nation) have "quizzes" for women to determine which Sex and the City character they are? Does anyone not end up being Carrie? More interestingly, are they angry if their results don't make them Carrie? And if they aren't Carrie the first time, do they retake the test with different answers until they are Carrie?

If they do, it's easy enough. The questions are so transparant.

Would you rather:
a) Work long hours at a stressful job
b) Experiment with fertility drugs until you find the right one
c) Sleep with stangers until God gives you breast cancer to punish you for your whorish ways
d) Check out the sale at Prada

People You Meet at Law School #5: Jean Shorts Guy

"You talk about things that nobody cares
You’re wearing out things that nobody wears"
-Aerosmith, 'Sweet Emotion'

It's a wonderful time of year! The long, cold winter is giving way to sunshine and mild temperatures. Birds are chirping. Flowers are blooming. Girls are putting their sweaters back into the closet and emerging with tank tops and sundresses (who knew a mere shoulder could be alluring) . But the return of Spring also means the end of a long hibernation for one of natures most hideous and mysterious creatures: The Jean Shorts Guy

You know who he is: Pasty white legs emerge from an indigo cut of fine demin, ending just above the knee. He wears a t-shirt bearing the name of a concert he attended long ago, or perhaps just a simple shirt proudly displaying that he is a member of the law school basketball/softball/foosball team. Jean Short Guy is a fashion abomination, no doubt. He is a throwback to the 80's, a simpler time, when all we wanted to do was a-zoom-zoom in your boom-boom. But in the cutthroat atmosphere of today's law school, it's hard to take someone seriously when the first thing that pops into your mind when you see him is "Are those Bugle Boy Jeans you are wearing?"

This all begs the questions, what becomes of Jean Shorts Guy after law school? Does he become an associate at a prestigious firm? Does he land a Federal Clerkship? I shudder at the thought that Jean Shorts Guy could succeed in such a competitve field. I 'm sure the reality is that Jean Shorts Guy is tucked away in some back corner of the US Patent Office or some third-rate tax firm, stuck doing paperwork while his better dressed collegues actually get to meet with clients and be real lawyers. One thing is for sure. Upon graduation, he emerges from his denim cocoon and metamorphisizes into: Short-Sleeve-Dress-Shirt-and-Tie Man.

BigLaw Hiring Partner on Halloween

Scene: Halloween at the front door of a BigLaw Hiring Partner's house

Kids: Trick or Treat!

Partner: (Opens door) Look at all the kids in their scary costumes. Very nice! Well let me get a good look at all of you. Hmmm. Well, we loved having you over, but right now our Hallowe'en needs have been met, best of luck with the rest of the block.

Kid: Don't we get any candy?

Partner: Well, Halloween services should have provided you guys with a sheet of information that let you know we'd only be giving candy to the cutest 10% of kids in this neighborhood. Frankly, I don't see any dimples or pig tails on any of you kids.

Kid: Do you get any candy?

Partner: Well, of course I do! I was the cutest kid on my block in a much more attractive neighborhood than this. Now, run along you little ragamuffins.

(Kids Shuffle off)

Partner: Hey, you. You, with the cross-eyes, wearing the flour sack

(Poorly dressed, cross-eyed kid turns with excitement)

Partner: I don't think there is a public defender on this block so you might as well just go home.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Definition of Damnation with Faint Praise.

USNews has declared John Marshall law school to have the 3rd best legal writing program in the nation.

Legal Writing is the "great personality" of law school ranking compliments.

LaBlossom

Except for the brief golden age of diversity in the 80s, when the Cosby Show and Different World ran back to back, prime-time network television has largely been a white affair. Activists have long encouraged the networks to create shows that “look like America”.

My question, though, is how they would intend on doing that? Do these activists want NBC to slightly revamp a few of its button down comedies to have the odd African-American cast? Let’s imagine a cookie-cutter show like “Blossom” with the ONLY change being that its cast is now all African-American actors. The plot, characters, and dialogue would remain the same.

So let’s reimagine Blossom with an African-American cast and go over it’s characters’ bios.

Blossom: A precocious young girl trying to navigate through modern life (no problems here)
Six: Blossom’s uniquely named friend, permiscuous friend. (hrmmm)
Joey: Blossom’s dumb brother who’s only discernible talent is sports (ughhh?)
Nick: Blossom’s dad is an unemployed musician (uh-oh)
Anthony: Recovering drug addict (oh, brother)

Something tells me that this show would not have won the NAACP Image Award.

So what’s the solution to the lack of diversity on Prime time TV? Just allow artists to have creative control no matter what their background. Artists have unique ethnic backgrounds and given the opportunity to share them, they will. The best shows are those where the artist had creative control. Cosby was able to celebrate his African-American heritage and Seinfeld was probably the first Jewish character to acknowledge that he was Jewish. Both shows were better for their ethnic angle (which included both positive and negative portrayals) because they were more true to the artists, reality, and the audience that way.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

On the scene, our live action correspondent, Jim Runningbear

After watching "Anchorman", It's good to see that the local news is now more fully integrated to reflect it's audience. I'm surprised that there's never been anything ugly said between broadcasters during the idle banter they use for filler. This is probably because the white broadcasters respect and acknowledge the differences in their African-American, Hispanic-American, and Asian-American colleagues.

There is one minority in this country that, bewilderingly, still seems to get no respect, Native Americans. Whether it's dressing up like one for a basketball game or a gay disco band, no one really cares about stepping on the toes of Native Americans. I guess they think, "What's the worst that could happen, my Native American friends might shun me?".

I wonder what would happen if a Native-American did work in a local news broadcast and what pithy banter would ensue.

John Armstrong: And now to the weather, with Jim RunningBear.

Jim RunningBear: Get out your umbrellas. It looks like rain this weekend.

John Armstrong: Whoa, Jim. I thought we told you not to do one of your dances last night.

Jim Runningbear: John, I'm Cherokee. Rain dances are a Lakota tradition.

John Armstrong: Looks like somebody didn't smoke'm their peace pipe this morning.

Jim Runningbear: This is getting really offensive.

John Armstrong: Well, my producer's giving me the signal, so we're moving on to sports. The Cowboys slaughtered the Red Skins today...

Jim Runningbear: Go to hell.

People You Meet at Law School #4: The Hot Girl

When forty winters shall besiege thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field,
Thy youth's proud livery so gazed on now,
Will be a totter'd weed of small worth held"
-William Shakespeare "Sonnet II"

Law school women are a lot like the WNBA. A few hot ones, a lot of average ones, and some really ugly ones as well (see, e.g, the rest of the WNBA). There are a few truly beautiful women who attend law school. This begs the question, "Why?"

Why would a gorgeous woman spend what are, arguably, the best looking years of her life cooped up in a library around people who finish jokes with punch lines like, "That's Scalia for you"? Why would someone of her beauty subject themselves to a blind grading system?

Whatever the reason, the Hot Girl trudges on like the rest of us, furrowing her beautiful brow in an attempt understand contracts.

Other girls say they went to Law School because they "like to argue". The Hot Girl has never had an argument in her life. She is always just a few batted lashes away from getting what she wants. Needless to say, there are no speeding tickets on her character and fitness bar application.

Hot Girl, I plead with you, drop out of law school and coast on your looks. You have nothing to prove in this dark, dank building. In fact, you're only making the rest of us look and feel uglier.

For all we know, Miranda from 'Sex and the City' was the Hot Girl of her law school only to wake up one day married to a spastic bartender, living in Brooklyn, and envying her less successful friends.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Your 1400 Doesn't Sound So Good Anymore

They've changed the SAT so that, now, it's out of 2400 not 1600. Now, whatever score you got has to be recalibrated whenever you want to compare yourself to some 17 year old. The college board should be applauded because now when people, subtly, state their great score 10 years after they've taken it, no one will know what they're talking about, instead of just no one caring.

Monday, April 04, 2005

A Very, Very Special Episode of 'Saved by the Bell'

It is Homecoming Week, and in addition to all the buzz that usually surrounds Homecoming at Bayside High, the big game is against arch-rival Valley High. Being the incorrigible scamp that he is, Zach places a $1,000 bet on the game with a local bookie he meets at The Max. With the game two days away, Bayside holds a pep rally for the team, followed by a party at Lisa's house. The party is going great, except Screech can't find his girlfriend Violet. Being the loyal friend that he is, Zach volunteers to help Screech find her. He goes upstairs and hears a faint, nerdy, female voice.

"Stop. No. Please stop. Please stop," the voice sobs from a behind a closed door.

Zach rushes in to find Slater holding Violet down on the bed, her dress torn and her horn-rimmed glasses broken. Startled, Slater lets her go, and Violet rushes out of the room. Zach is flabbergasted, and Slater pleads with Zach.

"Look Preppie, you better not tell anyone about this. If you do, I'll be suspended and won't play in the game Saturday. You got to promise you won't tell."

Zach, still shellshocked, promises Slater not to tell. But when he returns downstairs, he sees Screech, who is upset, and wonders why Viollet just ran out the back door. Zach says he doesn't know, but immediately feels guilty about it.

The next day, Bayside is shocked to learn that some girl has accused star quarterback AC Slater of sexual assault. Whats more, this girl is a nerd! Slater denies the charges, and says that Zach was with him the entire night. Mr. Belding calls Zach into his office and asks if it is true, that he was with Slater the whole time. Zach is gripped by the ultimate moral dilemma. He knows what Slater did was wrong, and the girl was his best friends' girlfriend. On the other hand, if he tells on Slater, Slater will be suspended, lose his football scholarship to Stansbury, and Bayside will lose the big game. And without Slater, Zach will surely lose his $1,000 bet.

What does Zach due? He grudgingly tells Mr. Belding that Slater was with him, that the charges are false. However, Zach is gripped with guilt, and decides to leave school for the day. On his way out, he passes Screech and Violet, and Screech gives him a knowing look. This futher sends Zach down a spiral of guilt and self-loathing. What does he do? He empties his mother's liquor cabinet and drowns out his feelings.

Fast forward to Saturday, and the big game. Nobody has seen Zach, and they are worried, because he is the Homecoming King and they can't start the parade without him. Eventually he shows, minutes before gametime, to accept his crown. Zach doesn't look good. His eyes are bloodshot and he is slurring his speech. When announced as king, Zach takes the microphone and slurs something into it. Then he looks up, and sees Screech. He looks to his right, and sees Slater. Finally, he sees Violet in the crowd, with the shattered look of innocence lost. Zach loses it.

"I lied", he bellows into the mic. "Slater did it. He assaulted that girl." Zach breaks down in tears.

The crowd lets out a gasp, and it is pandemonium. Police cuff Slater and take him away. Screech lunges towards Zach, but is held back by his fellow nerds. Jesse screams at Slater, "I always knew you were a misogynistic pig." Kelly is at the same time both proud of and disgusted with Zach. Lisa checks her makeup.

The show ends by teaching the viewers a real life lesson. Sometimes there is no happy ending. Sometimes any decision you make will turn out badly. And finally, sometimes you are not saved by the bell.

People You Meet In Law School #3: The Philosopher

"I have nothing to declare but my genius"
-Oscar Wilde

Most law students see law school as a means to an end. Even though law school is boring, they grit their teeth, do the work, and get out of there to cash in on their J.D. Not the Philosopher. Philosophers are actually interested in the law in and of itself. They deeply care about the theories behind it. Philosophers enjoy discussing the law, even in social settings. While the rest of us are only focused on learning the black letter rules, Philosophers are passionate about learning the why of the law.

Spotting the Philosopher can be tricky. Just because someone speaks out a lot in class, or seems to enjoy the material doesn't necessarily make them a Philosopher. They may very well just be a nerd, or enjoy the sound of their own voice. Philosophers go beyond mere nerdiness or mental masturbation. Philosophers treat classroom discussions as life-or-death struggles for the greater good.

Typically, the Philosopher will be either ultra-liberal or ultra-conservative. But it goes beyond mere politics. Philosophers have drunk the kool-aid of party rhetoric and aim to make everyone know which side of the aisle they sit on.

On one side, wearing tattered jeans and a thrift shop t-shirt is the liberal Philosopher. He or she attended a Liberal Arts college, was heavily involved in organizations like Students for Choice and Young Democrats, and had a ridiculous major, such as "Post Modern Feminist Thought", "Greek Literature", or "Education". The liberal Philosopher will find racism, sexism, ageism, or any other –ism in just about any case. Often, they will use phrases such as "fundamental concepts of human rights" to support his or her legal theory...in Contracts.

On the other side, wearing freshly pressed khakis and a crisp Oxford shirt is the Conservative Philosopher. This is the kid who read Atlas Shrugged and it "changed their life." The Conservative Philosopher was much more practical in choosing an undergraduate institution and major (No public subsidies for him: he went to a good old fashioned private college like Duke or Emory). He was an economics or political science major, as there was not yet a course of study in "Reaganomics". The Conservative Philosopher isn’t a shrill as the Liberal, instead dismissing concepts he disagrees with by dismissively shaking his head and making points that sound as if they were prepared by Karl Rove.

When the two Philosophers butt heads, there is never a winner. There is, however, always a loser: Their poor classmates who are subjected to listening to them.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

People You Meet at Law School #2: The Old Guy

"That Ol' Man River.
He must know somepin.'"
-Oscar Hammerstein "Old Man River"

Walk down the hall at your average law school and the scene will probably resemble a real life version of Saved By The Bell: People in their mid-twenties doing their best to portray high schoolers, with a couple of square middle aged men thrown in the mix. Only these middle aged men aren’t the Mr. Beldings of the law school world: They are students too. They are The Old Guy.

Old Guys enroll for many reasons: a desire for a career change, a mid-life crisis, or the hope that the grass is greener on this side of the law school fence. Whatever the reason, it is inevitable that your law school has at least a couple of Old Guys enrolled.

Spotting the Old Guy is easy: He’ll at least be in his mid-thirties, if not older; he’ll probably be a bit doughy; there is a good chance that he’ll sport a mustache and/or beard; and he’ll be just uncool enough to make you feel like you are taking class with your dad.

The Old Guy’s wardrobe can vary. Some Old Guys prefer to don the sensible worn Cotton Dockers and one-size-too-small polo shirt that they wore to work before coming to law school. Others try to fit in with their younger classmates, but miss the mark by wearing tapered jeans and tucking in their shirt a little too much. Yet others go the extra mile to dress the part, carefully imitating the fashions of the day. Sadly, these men don’t look hip; they look like they wore something out of their son’s closet.

Now, there is no problem with someone a bit older than the average law student wanting to improve himself. However, the Old Guy irks most of his younger counterparts by trying to assume a role of class expert. You see, the Old Guy may have his Bachelors in Engineering, but he definitely has his Ph.D in Life Experience. If something has happened, the he has done it, seen it, heard about it, or knew a guy who knew someone who was there. He also likes to speak up in class. For the Old Guy, no anecdote is too long and no legal theory is too off-base to keep to himself. To the Old Guy, the only thing sweeter than the self-satisfaction of going back to school is the sound of his own voice.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

People You Meet at Law School #1: The Desperate Girl

"She learned the truth at seventeen.
That love was meant for beauty queens."
-Janice Ian "Seventeen"

What happened to the lonely girl Janis Ian sang about? Some happened to find the man of their dreams in college and happily settled into a comfortable life in the suburbs. Others moved to the city in hopes of emulating the Sex and the City lifestyle. And the rest went to law school.

But not all her time is spent on studying. No, she is still hoping that some Price Charming will walk out of the law review office and into her heart. However, time is running out. Desperate Girl is no fool; she realizes that she is in her mid-20's and knows that the older a women gets, the more likely it is that she will never find that special someone. So she is looking for someone, anyone, to call her own.

Although a woman will date a man who is uglier/fatter than her, she will not date a man lower down the career totem pole until she gets really desperate (usually in her late 30s). So a girl's success in getting into law school is a double-edged sword. By attending law school, she makes the calculated risk that she will have to settle for a ‘lesser’ man later on in life, verses the hope that she’ll land a doctor or lawyer, or perhaps and investment banker, in the next few years. Her situation is made all the worse by the fact that other women aren't fools. If they found a good guy who's going to law school, they're going to hold onto him like the last chopper out of Saigon.

Spotting the Desperate Girl isn’t always easy. They can range drastically in looks, style, intelligence, and personality. But all Desperate Girls share one trait: they treat any interaction with a male classmate, no matter how innocent, as if he is a potential husband. A simple question, like "What was the assignment?" is met with a detailed description of the assigned reading, along with a smile, and an assurance that if he needs anything to “just let her know”. You might think she’s just being nice, but have no doubt that she is applying full effort to completing her JD/MRS degree.

Job Opening

From: Career Services
To: AllStudents
Subject: Job opening
NON-PROFIT JOB OPENING-START IMMEDIATELY
The Vatican is looking for a law student to fill the position of Pope. Duties include: Spiritual Leader of major religion, speaking out against birth control, covering up child molestation charges, and conducting daily mass. Applicant must be male, ranked in the top 10% of their class, have strong public speaking skills, and be willing to abstain from sexual activity until death. Fluent in Latin a plus. Catholic preferred, but willing to consider other religions with strong resumes. Salary: negotiable. Send resume, cover letter, references, and writing sample (10 page max) to: College of Cardinals, 1 Vatican Way, Vatican City. Or email to humanresources@vatican.org. Deadline: May 1.

Sitcom Realism

Most Realistic Show Ever: Roseanne (if you ignore the last three seasons). Family only stays together because they can't afford not to (and can't even trade on their looks to get of there).

The mother (Roseanne) has no discernible skills and bounces from job to job. Her only real talent (like most people) is complaining

The father (Dan) is repeatedly struck by layoffs and instead of "knowing best" he grabs a beer and becomes emotionally distant.

Daughter #1 (Becky), has looks, potential, and also a secret wish to be a failure. She promptly trades in all her potential to marry the local loser.

Daughter # 2 (Darlene), is a sensitive artist trapped in the intellectual confines of her small town. No one supports her. She becomes embittered, largely repeats all the mistakes her older sister made.

Youngest son (DJ): No one cares about him. Most realistic portrayal of a youngest child ever.

Sister of Roseanne (Jackie): Co-dependant adult sibling who's clearly emotionally damaged, as she only attracts bad men. When she finally gets pregnant the father "does the right thing" and marries her. Marriage proves to be unhappy.

Realistic end (almost) of season: Once they win the lottery (which was their only real hope) the family promptly goes their separate ways.

Least Realistic Show: Full House.

Three bachelors raise three girls in San Francisco and nary an eyebrow or innuendo is raised over the situation. Have mercy!

Friday, April 01, 2005

Brown v. Board of Education: 51st anniversary

Have you ever read any of the opinion about Brown v. Board of Education. There's not as much equality-under-the-law talk in it as you'd think. A lot of it is about sociology and how our "separate but equal" society gave African-Americans poor self-esteem. But, so long as they sided with Brown, who cares how they decided it?

Let's see if any progress has been made on this self-esteem issue, through the prism of African-American music.

1930-50s: Economic discrimination. Racial Segregation. This sad set of muses spawns the Blues.

1950s: Brown is decided. Finally, the music gets a little more upbeat but still there's still an element of tragedy. See Frankie Lymon's "Why do fools fall in love".

1960s-70s: Social Policy Success! Aretha Franklin demands "Respect" while the Jackson 5 sing about how reading is fundamental in "ABC"

1980s: After all moral conquests materialism inevitably sets in. See Billy Ocean's "Get out of my dreams and into my car"

1990s: Self Esteem problem? If anything now it's the opposite with Rappers singing odes to themselves about their greatness. It's not enough to be good anymore you have to denigrate others, it gets so bad that even a "Momma Said Knock You Out".

2000s: 50 Cent sums up the American credo in his breakthrough album "Get Rich or Die Trying." He then moves to Conneticut. If this isn't successful integration, what is?

Song Lyrics in Legal Outline Format

from livejournal

Here is the Ghostbusters theme song in legal outline format.
  • Things I ain't afraid of:
    • no ghost
  • Strange things in the neighbourhood (partial list):
    • seeing things running through head
    • invisible man sleeping in bed
  • Things that make me feel good:
    • bustin'
  • Who you gonna call:
    • Ghostbusters
    • I can't hear you
    • Louder
The possibilities are endless