Monday, October 30, 2006

Point/Counterpoint

…with Mike and Courtney.

Topic: Did the social scene at our school suck more than at other schools?

Courtney: I contend that the social life at this school is much worse than at other schools for several reasons: First, the city itself sucks. There isn’t anything fun to do and all of the bars are overrun with undergrads or local white trash. Second, the people at our school suck; they’re either overly serious and pretentious dorks, or they’re obnoxious idiots. There are very few people cool, laid back people who are fun to be around who won’t discuss law all night, or who don’t start acting like 19 year old loud sorority sluts after three apple-tini’s.

Mike: I contend that you’re wrong. You aren’t describing our law school; you are describing every law school. Sure, our city isn’t great, but unless you’re in Las Vegas or South Beach, what would you expect? It beats some hick town with four bars and a college where the locals look down on book learnin'. And do you think there is some magic school out there with only cool, laid back people who are fun to be around? Of course there isn’t. It’s no secret that law students aren’t the most happenin’ group of folks, but I think you’re being pretty harsh. It could be worse. Law school will not be as fun as undergrad, if you did undergrad the right way. Your best bet is to find a handful of people like you and ignore the rest. You’re just bitter because you think you made a bad school decision, but in reality it’s pretty much the same everywhere.

Courtney: Nuh-uh. I know people who went to law school at [Fun Undergrad Party School] and they had a blast, always going out and having fun.

Mike: Yuh-huh. If you had gone to [Fun Undergrad Party School] for law school, you’d be just as annoyed by your classmates. There’s nothing to stop you from going out all the time here. I knew people at our school who went out all the time, and they were really annoying. And having more options as to where to go out doesn’t mean the people are going to be any better. After all, if that really obnoxious drunk girl that everyone hates had gone to any other school, she’d still be just as annoying, right?

Courtney: Okay, fine, but other schools have other graduate schools, so you can hang out with med students or MBA students or whoever, instead of just law students, so I could go out to bars and not be surrounded by classmates or undergrads or townies.

Mike: Courtney, you ignorant slut. Do you even hear what you’re asking for? Have you ever hung out with a med or MBA student? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ll take my chances with law students. I just think you’re letting your passionate bitter hatred of law school get in the way of reason and logic.

Courtney: Reason and logic having to do with law school? Now who’s being ignorant? Plus, I’m not being unrealistic…

Mike: No, you’re not being unrealistic…You want a law school filled with cool, laid back people to hang out with, but saving that you want a school that offers bars and other establishments where there are no law students, undergrads, or townies, filled with fun and exciting med and MBA students. Is this correct?

Courtney: Yeah…

Mike: No wonder you can’t find a man.

Friday, October 27, 2006

They're Looking for a Few Good Men

I'm trying to start a business, so I need someone to employ me part time as an attorney straight out of law school. Needless to say, it's not easy. Especially since i graduated in the fat part of the curve, which seems to always come up in interviews, especially the one "C" I received. Here's how one of my interviews went.

Interviewer : "According to your transcript here, you got a C in Advanced Torts. What happened there?"

Russ: "You want answers?"

Interviewer: "I think I'm entitled."

Russ:"You want answers?"

Interviewer: "I want the truth!"

Russ: "You can't handle the truth. We live in a world where 100,000 law school graduates are plunked out onto the streets every year, hungry to pay off their student loans, thirsty for tortworthy issues. You want those attorneys to casually abandon the law as a youthful dalliance while they move into real estate or consulting. Well who's gonna make them do that? You? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You question my grades while you curse the law system. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that my legal inneptitude, while widespread, probably saves people from lawsuits. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves people from the anxiety of dealing with our labyrinth of a legal system. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at ABA funtions, you want me getting a C. You don't want me in that courtroom standing next to your ex-wife. You need me with that C, not knowing that the bird feeder in your backyard could be classified as a "nuisance". I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who sleeps under the blanket of legal impunity that my legal incompetence provides."

So, if anyone needs a part time attorney in Chicago, let me know.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Know Your Customer.

The other day I was at the grocery store. While pausing and looking at the products a man approached me and said, "Can I share something with you?"

I was going to say, "Thank you but I already have a Book of Mormon", but I just nodded.

The stranger then said, "Have you ever heard of prepaid legal services?"

"Yes I have," I replied.

"Then you know that that with prepaid legal services you just pay a small policy and if an incident ever arises you'll have access to fully paid attorney to assist you..."

"Actually," I interrupted, "I am an attorney. So, essentially, all legal services I'll ever need have been prepaid."

The disappointed salesman stopped his pitch and glumly said, "Yeah. I suppose so."

"In fact, my prepaid legal services plan cost me $75,000. I bet you guys offer a better deal."

We shared a frank look and he said, "We sure do."

"Well, I wish I had run into you four years ago"

Like any good salesman, he had suddenly come up with answer to my objection. "Don't they say that if you use your own legal services you'd have a 'fool for a client.'"

"Tell me about it," I said as I turned and headed towards the liquor section.

Monday, October 23, 2006

It Had To Happen Eventually...

I finally got a job. Not just any job, but a job I actually wanted and am looking forward to. I will post more details later (including how I almost blew it before I even got an interview), but for now, here is what I want to know:

I start two weeks from Wednesday. To all the people who are now stuck in the working world, what is the best way to spend the last two weeks of absolute freedom that I'll have for the next 40 years? What would you have done if you knew you had two weeks before work started, if you could do it all over again? Email me at barelylegalblog@gmail.com

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Book Update #1

As many of you know, we plan on writing a book. Actually, we have two books that we want to write; the first one will be geared towards the law school crowd, while the second one will be for a much larger audience and has a lot more potential to make us relatively rich. But we want to do the law school book first, and so that’s what we’re focusing on.

Part of the reason we kept the blog going after we graduated was to keep our readers updated on the book process. I’m not quite sure what we expected to be happening; perhaps being jetted off to New York by big publishing houses trying to woo us with expensive Manhattan dinners and meetings with smart, urbane editors who share our vision. And while I still hold out hope that that happens, we are learning that the publishing industry moves as slowly as the obese guy in your class when he gets to the third flight of stairs. Basically, at this point, we have written a proposal, which our agent (who is fantastic, by the way) sent out to a handful of publishers. Depending on what happens with those publishers, she will keep sending it out until someone decides to make a very smart decision. And when someone does, we’ll let you know.

In a nutshell, our law school book is going to be an anti-guide; an insider’s look at law school written by the average law student, for the average law student. It’s going to be brutally honest, funny, and hopefully informative. It’s not going to paint law school in a negative light, per se; rather, it’s going to be the honest appraisal of two people who didn’t like law school and found that a lot of people shared their view.

This brings me to the point of this post. Today, our agent let us know that a publisher had passed on our proposal. This isn’t a big deal in and of itself, but what did strike me was the reason why. After explaining that our proposal was very funny, and that the book could do very well, the publisher said that she thinks the authors need to come from “big name schools” and that our schools lack name recognition (which isn’t really true; our schools lack ivy covered walls.) Essentially the publisher was saying, “If you had gone to Harvard, I’d publish this book.”

This logic pretty much flies in the face of why we want to write the book to begin with (other than money). All the law school books out there suck because they are written by top students from big name schools, and are about as useful to the average law student as an advanced English dictionary would be in the kitchen of your typical restaurant; only a few people can actually understand it, and even fewer actually get anything useful out of it. This blog, and hopefully our book, is meant for the proletariat of law students, whose numbers far outweigh the big school elite. For every kid at Harvard or Yale or any of the other handful of elite schools, there are hundreds of law students on the other side who have to do more than show up and graduate to get a plum job. So when it comes to name recognition, I have no doubt that our lack of “elitist” pedigree will speak to a much larger audience than some “insider’s” guide written by a guy from a school that most of us had no shot at.

But if it’s name recognition that they are looking for, then look for the book under our new pen names: Russell Hemingway and M.D. Salinger.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Job Search Post #5

As soon as I walked into the office, I got a weird feeling. The lobby was drab, with beige colored walls and tan couches, with no art work on the wall, and only a slightly pitiful looking fake plant in the corner. I followed the secretary back to the boss’s office, and I noticed that the employee cubicles were devoid of the typical decorations and individual touches that usually pepper modern offices. It didn’t sound like a normal office either; I didn’t hear any boisterous employee banter or even a spirited phone voice. The employees seemed subdued, speaking in hushed tones or busily staring at a computer screen. No one was up walking around. I made eye contact with one woman, and she looked warily at me with exhausted eyes. Just as I was starting to wonder what the hell was wrong with this place, I got my answer.

The secretary led me into the manager’s office, where I met the source of everyone’s discontent. A short, muscled man with a crew cut and a sour look on his face was standing behind his desk, waiting for me. I immediately guessed that he was an ex-Marine. Within 30 seconds, he confirmed my premonition and informed me that he did two tours in Vietnam. After 90 seconds, he twice informed me that he was the regional vice president, and that he had been brought in here from the Pittsburgh office “to right the ship” and that he had done just that. This man was clearly a stern disciplinarian, a micromanaging taskmaster who took a ‘my way or the highway’ approach. He had succeeded in hiring an office full of people who would roll over when he bullied them around. Finally, after his ego stopped talking, he started the interview.

At this point, I could sit here and write out the transcript of the first ten minutes of our conversation, but I won’t because it mostly consisted of him asking a question about law school, and then before I could answer, he would go and make a negative comment about lawyers. Now, I have no problems whatsoever with talking bad about lawyers. I do it all the time. But my comments are well-informed critiques coming from personal experience, not ignorant opinions lifted from a book of lawyer jokes. Nor would I have had a problem had the man been kidding around. However, I failed to find the slightest hint of humor or irony in his voice when he told me that “lawyers would have everyone burning flags and let terrorists run free”, apparently confusing lawyers with liberals. (I told you he was ignorant.)

Finally the conversation turned to the actual job, and with every answer I could see that he despised me. Granted, he didn’t know anything about me, but he must have seen my kind before. So when he asked the next question, he gave me the perfect opportunity to transform from “Interview Mike” to “Normal Mike”.

“Let’s say that you have to manage an office full of 25 people. What do you think the best way to do that is?”

“Well, there isn’t one best way to do that. I think the most effective managers are the ones who can get to each employee individually, and learn how to best motivate the individual. What might make X work at a high level might make Y pull away and alienate them. Some people like to be told exactly what to do and how to do it. Others like to be made to feel like they have an input in the decision making process. Others can be left alone with just the occasional pat on the back. The real talent in managing is to identify what works best for each person and to do that.”

Then I added the kicker. “Any idiot can stand in front of his subordinates and tell them what to do. Good managers are adaptable. Bad managers are not.”

He stared through me with a look that was previously seen only by the North Vietnamese soldiers he killed 30 years ago. Finally, he found the words to express what he felt. “Where did you learn that?” he asked, with utter contempt. “Law school?”

“No, it’s just common sense.”

And the job search continues.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Attention Fellow Bloggers

Someone recently asked me what it takes to get a link on this blog. The answer is surprisingly simple: Just ask, and link us in return.

I'll admit, we aren't the best linkers. Sometimes someone emails us their blog, with a link request, and I have all the intentions in the world to update our blogroll. But I forget, and their link is never added. But this week, since I'm bored, I decided to do a link cattle call.

If you have a blog and would like a link on ours, just shoot over an email and let me know. Don't be shy. I know there are lots of blogs out there who have linked us for a long time, so it's the least I can do. And don't take the lack of a link to your blog as some sort of insult; it's just laziness. So good or bad, we'll link you if you ask. So send me an email at barelylegalblog@gmail.com and I'll take care of it.

Update: Keep them coming. If you don't see your link on the side (or any link) it's because blogrolling.com is having issues, but don't worry, it's getting fixed.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Email Exchange With A Reader

Hey guys,

My friends and I have been having a debate. What is the proper etiquette for missing class when you are sick? I say that you should miss when you are contagious, otherwise you should suck it up and go; one friend says you should go if you want, contagious or not; one friend says that you shouldn't miss class if you're sick becase you are showing weakness if you do, and one friend says that you shouldn't go if you're sick, because, "why would you?" Who is right?

Josh


**********************************************

Um...Is this a joke?


**********************************************


No, I'm serious, we need you to settle this. We have a bet going, and we decided to let you settle it. So please, who is right?

Josh


**********************************************

Congratulations, Josh. In this email, harmless at first glance, you were able to express everything that is wrong with law students in just 88 words. It would have taken me a trilogy of phonebook sized volumes to capture the essence of what you said about law students in just one paragraph.

You see, Josh, you were able to demonstrate the overall dorkiness of law students with the premise of your bet, while capturing the four main archetypes of law students through the individual stances of you and your friends.

Still with me, Josh? If not, let me elaborate. First off, who the fuck would sit around debating the "proper etiquette" for taking a sick day? Seriously, I cannot think of a stupider topic to debate, and yet, here you are, with enough difference in opinions to need to ask a neutral party to settle it. But that isn't the worst part, Josh. When I got the email, I figured, 'this must be a joke'. I even asked you if it was a joke, but in my heart of hearts I knew it wasn't, because you are a law student, Josh. I wasn't surprised at all when you told me it was a serious debate. So to answer my seemingly rhetorical question,who would sit around debating a topic such as this? Law students would. That's who.

But it was so much more than that, Josh. In each of your four unique opinions, you showed us just how warped the law student mind can be.


"I say that you should miss when you are contagious, otherwise you should suck it up and go."

Luckily, Josh, you aren't one of the bad ones. Your viewpoint is noble but misguided. It's considerate that you wouldn't want to go to class when you're contagious. But if not, you should suck it up and go? Why, Josh? If you are feeling ill enough to consider taking a sick day, what good will showing up do you? Is sitting in a class for an hour with a low grade fever and nausea going to improve your grade? Has anyone ever said, "I sure am glad I went to class that day I had diarrhea, or else I'd never have gotten that question right on the exam. I remember the professor talking about it between trips to the can."

"One friend says you should go if you want, contagious or not."

Now this is more like it. Not only is this person misguided, but he doesn't even have the decency to consider the classmates. No, this is the person who doesn't share outlines, raises his hand with a minute to go in class, and happily reports classmates for honor code violations. The fact this person even has friends to debate with is surprising to me.

"One friend says that you shouldn't miss class if you're sick because you are showing weakness if you do."

I never understood this attitude. What is this, boot camp? If someone misses class because they're sick, does this guy say "Looks like Sam can't deal with a little strep throat. How will he ever understand joinders? I can safely say I'll do better than him." What a tool.

"One friend says that you shouldn't go if you're sick, because, "why would you?""

Josh, I am glad to see you have one sane friend. My advice: dump the other two idiots and hitch your wagon to this guy's star. He's going places.

So do you need me to settle the bet? Okay, fine, here's my answer: You all need girlfriends.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Recent IM Conversation

AnonymousReader: Guess what? I passed the bar!!!
barelylegalblog: congratulations
AnonymousReader: Okay I gotta run to work
barelylegalblog: you work?
AnonymousReader: Yeah, I have been working at my parents store while I am looking for a real job...Now that I passed the bar, I feel like it's beneath me
barelylegalblog: I need to congratulate you again
AnonymousReader: What for?
barelylegalblog: You apparently passed the Snobbery and Pretentiousness portion of the bar too
AnonymousReader: Hahaha...Yeah, S&P was my best class in law school
barelylegalblog: and it shows

Monday, October 02, 2006

A View From The Bottom Of A Law School Class

We get lots of emails. Some of them are amusing, some of them are sad, and some of them are just so honest that they are both amusing and sad. This is an email we received today which pretty much sums up the futures of many of you (even if you don't want to admit it). Scratch that...she's probably doing much better than where you'll end up. Names and locations have been changed or removed at the request of the author.

I'm a recent law school graduate – ___________ School of Law 2005 – and here's a brief synopsis of my experience:

In late 2001, I was living at home in [Popular Mid-Atlantic Vacation City]-, bartending four nights a week, which was actually a highly lucrative career choice for someone with a BA (2000) in Art History. I spent all my tips earned for serving drinks by tipping others for serving me drinks, or buying clothes to wear out drinking. I complained when my parents wanted me to pay my own car insurance. Eventually, I realized that going back to school was easier than getting a god-awful real job. It also allowed me to suspend reality for another three years and excuse all my actions and inactions with the phrase "I'm a student." AND I would be able to move to a really cool new city. So I went to law school. In [Fun Desert Vacation Destination] .

I quickly found friends. I also found a gambling addiction…. But… back to the friends. With respect to the two close friends I made in law school, one dropped out after first year, one flunked out, and prior to those glorious achievements, the three of us nearly all got kicked out of law school for laughing in court while a rather unfortunate prostitute was arraigned. We had to write apologies to the dean and the judge, seriously. In the quagmire, I found a boyfriend… who, incidentally, had a wife. This boyfriend more or less saved my academic ass by teaching me Civil Procedure – to a solid C- level – in the course of 5 days so that I finished first year barely escaping academic probation.

Over the following two years, my dedication to my studies diminished dramatically, yet, strangely, my grades steadily improved. It reaffirmed what I had been convinced of for years – I am unable to self-destruct. The less I cared, the more I was convinced that I was a law school savant, destined to be discovered by some glamorous firm that would employ me for my natural mediocrity and impeccable instincts, and altogether overlook my absence of work ethic. This obviously did not happen.

I took the summer between 1L and 2L off, opting to spend my time lounging on the beach, occasionally bartending a night here or there, and dining and drinking with my married boyfriend. It was a summer of fantastical whimsy and utter avoidance. The summer between 2L and 3L, I worked for two lawyer friends of mine from [Popular Mid-Atlantic Vacation City], and on terms that can playfully be called "pro bono" – paid only by martinis and expensive bottles of wine, often consumed over lunch breaks. I used my paycheck-free status to excuse myself for showing up late or not at all, taking extended weekend vacations, and playing dangerous amounts of online Scrabble. I learned little of any pertinence to a possible career in law, mostly because "a career in law" was still far too disconcerting to take seriously.

Then came Third Year. Unprovoked, married boyfriend decided to leave his wife for me. The inevitable countdown to graduation occurred. I ran out of money and my parents refused to subsidize my career in professional sports betting. I was forced to work part-time waiting tables while frightfully considering the possibility that I may have to get a law-related job. I interviewed, and not well. My casual demeanor, personal charm and flawless conversational skills proved useless in the interview format. I decided that sometimes the best answer to a question was a question back to the interviewer. I thought these stodgy law types might appreciate someone who cares what animal THEY would be if they could be. Somehow, the artificiality of the interview process did reveal the truth about me – that I was completely unemployable in this realm.

While a strong sense of panic set in, my newly divorced boyfriend and I enrolled in a 2-credit class called "How to Start and Build Your Law Practice." The grade was based entirely on a final project called a "business proposal" that was, for me, a chance to make an artsy scrapbook designing letterhead and firm announcements, cutting and pasting pictures of classy office furniture, drawing blueprints and picking out hardwood floors. I got a B+, losing points only for my lack of examining financial pragmatism. Our class lectures consisted of a parade of lawyers delivering speeches about their successful practices. They always wore expensive suits and rarely mentioned the frightful phrases "zealous advocacy" "making a difference" or "pro bono." These lawyers, my boyfriend and I decided, were exactly who we wanted to be.

In his mind, I'm now aware, were dreams of business ownership, riches beyond belief, spending 24/7 to build something of which he could be proud, and doing all of this with his beloved girlfriend. In my mind were sighs of relief and joy for not having to endure any more interviews, for justifying taking 6 more months off before receiving bar exam results in October 05, and for installing hardwood floors and taking 3-hour/3-martini lunches.

We were able to fund this endeavor from the profits of the sale of his house in [Fun Desert Vacation Destination]. We both passed the bar exam and started our practice in October 2005. I somehow got stuck in this niche of doing [Boring and Depressing Area of Law], and I cannot articulate the extent to which I despise my life. But here I am, with real live clients, a website, a yellow pages ad, a 5-year lease on office space, and those goddamn overpriced hardwood floors. We just got a package in the mail reminding us to renew our malpractice insurance, and it is to me beyond all belief that one year has passed and I have not been sued for malpractice, investigated by the state bar, treated for a nervous breakdown, or had my stomach pumped.

Strangely, the firm is making (some) money, yet I have no idea how I have ended up here. Guys, I am spiraling out of control and cannot point to a definitive event whereby I could have prevented this hell, but I think I blame my parents for making me pay for my car insurance. (Not really. But this is the type of statement that best characterizes the level of absurdity of me being a lawyer.)

I just discovered your blog, and have thus far been immensely entertained. I guarantee you that no one could be less suited for the law while being so squarely ensconced in it as I am.