Monday, April 24, 2006

People You Meet In Law School # 16: Capt. Law School

Most law students like to argue about esoteric abstract issues that they can neither effect nor will ever effect them: "Should Social Security be Privatized? Does the Ninth Amendment provide a textualist rationale for the incorporation doctrine? What should I do if a girl talks to me at the bar this evening?"

Some students, however, are more grounded. These students want to deal, nay they must deal, with the practical unresolved issues of law school. These students are Captain Law School.

The Cafeteria closes at 3 but Torts doesn't get out until 3:30? Captain Law School will start a committee. Smelly smokers clustering around the law school entrance? Captain Law School will write an email to the dean of students. People not dressing up when an senator is visiting to speak on his pet issue? Captain Law School will remind people to "wear a tie".

If you'll notice, all these actions aren't really personal endeavors but actually just opportunities to tell someone else what to do. That's Captain Law School's true goal: Power.

And power is up for grabs at law school. A disillusioned, defeated, and disheartened population is easily led into tyrannical demagoguery. Napoleon knew it. Hitler knew it. And Captain Law School definitely knows it. Like Hitler or Napoleon, Captain Law School is seeking to compensate for his own shortcomings. Captain Law School is not a stellar student, and he believes that a resume padded with ultimately meaningless leadership positions will cause potential employers to look past his spotty academic record.

Captain Law School is invariably a guy who's gruff voice rises to take any leadership position real or imagined. He'll qualify himself by saying "I used to be president of my fraternity," "I worked in management," or "I'm 36 years old." No matter what he's not leaving this issue hanging without the label of president, treasurer, or guy-who-takes-the-envelope-of-professor-evaluations-to-the-office.

Capt. Law School may come in two different forms: First is the deadly serious Capt. Law School, who dresses in business casual, carries a briefcase, and drops lines like, "Well, I am off to speak with the Dean", without a hint of concern that the Dean doesn't care what he has to say. He earns respect because he seems to have everything together. The other type is the friendly Capt. Law School, a true man of the people, who walks up to you and asks you how the job search is coming, and cracks a joke about his own prospects. Once he has lulled you into being his friend, he fires off a quick "Hey, I'm running for SBA President, and I'd appreciate your vote", before leaving and seeking out his next victim.

Make no mistake, Capt. Law School is a shrewed opportunist. No opening for a titled position can escape his inevitable hat being tossed into the ring. Remember in the movie Glory, when Matthew Broderick asked who will pick up the flag and carry it forth if the flag bearer should fall, and the educated guy with glasses valiantly volunteered to do so? Had Capt. Law School been in that brigade, he'd have pushed him aside and said "I got this one covered, Four Eyes".

While Captain Law School may think of himself as a born leader, he is in fact just a beneficiary of circumstance. The herd of apathetic obsequious law students he leads doesn't create much competition for the position. After all, in the land of blind men, the one-eyed man is king.