Friday, October 27, 2006

They're Looking for a Few Good Men

I'm trying to start a business, so I need someone to employ me part time as an attorney straight out of law school. Needless to say, it's not easy. Especially since i graduated in the fat part of the curve, which seems to always come up in interviews, especially the one "C" I received. Here's how one of my interviews went.

Interviewer : "According to your transcript here, you got a C in Advanced Torts. What happened there?"

Russ: "You want answers?"

Interviewer: "I think I'm entitled."

Russ:"You want answers?"

Interviewer: "I want the truth!"

Russ: "You can't handle the truth. We live in a world where 100,000 law school graduates are plunked out onto the streets every year, hungry to pay off their student loans, thirsty for tortworthy issues. You want those attorneys to casually abandon the law as a youthful dalliance while they move into real estate or consulting. Well who's gonna make them do that? You? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You question my grades while you curse the law system. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that my legal inneptitude, while widespread, probably saves people from lawsuits. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves people from the anxiety of dealing with our labyrinth of a legal system. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at ABA funtions, you want me getting a C. You don't want me in that courtroom standing next to your ex-wife. You need me with that C, not knowing that the bird feeder in your backyard could be classified as a "nuisance". I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who sleeps under the blanket of legal impunity that my legal incompetence provides."

So, if anyone needs a part time attorney in Chicago, let me know.