This week's question comes from a female 3L who asked this:
Mike and Russ,
I have been dating this guy for three months now, and things are going great . Just last week he said he loved me, and I love him. (He isn't in law school, he has a real job. It's amazing, I don't know why I didn't think of this before!) Here is the problem: I have a picture in my apartment of me and my ex-boyfriend from a vacation we took with my family a few years ago. The new guy saw this the other day and got really upset and jealous, and I saw a side to him I have never seen before. He wants me to get rid of the picture, but I don't want to. It's not in a place that anyone really sees it (it's in my spare bedroom, on a dresser), and that vacation was very special to me and I don't want to forget it. Am I being unreasonable for not taking the picture down, or he is being unreasonable for demanding that I get rid of it? I need a guy's advice, and you guys are guys. Help me out, please?
Sure, we can help. On first glance, you keep up pictures of your ex-boyfriend so that the new one can see it, and you write two stangers all about it. Seems to me like you enjoy the attention of men. Nevertheless, here is my take: Everyone has a bad side. Whether that will turn out to be a cheater, a beater, an silent seether, or maybe if you are lucky, a crier, eventually it will get revealed. Your boyfriend's was revealed, but I can't really fault him. After all, you said this is getting serious. You have exchanged the 'L' word. So why would you keep visual reminders of previous boyfriends around? Sure, that vacation may have been special, but it's over, just like the relationship. You have to move on.
This guy saw the picture and felt insecure. Whether or not that is reasonable is not the issue. He did, and that's what matters. If you like the fact that he is flushed with emotions over the new relationship, you can't fault him for being flushed with emotions when he sees you with a previous boyfriend. Knowing in his mind that he isn't the first guy in your life is one thing; constant visual evidence is another. You should explain to him that you no longer have feelings for the previous guy (if that is in fact the case). You should assure him that you love him and don't want to be with anyone else (if that is in fact the case). If you really do love this guy and see it going somewhere, then you would take the picture down. If it is truely that important to you, put it in a private photo album with other pictures from that vacation. But if you want my advice, cut the old guy out of the picture or throw it away. Keeping this picture isn't worth throwing away your relationship.
