Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I Made Him An Offer He Couldn't Refuse

I was recently in a settlement hearing my clinic client. It was pretty exciting to actually negotiate over an issue that was worth a few thousand dollars to my client. In retrospect, it was a lot less dramatic than I thought at the time. This is how I wish it went:

Opposing counsel: I'm going to squeeze you, Russ, because I don't like you; I don't like the kind of man you are. I despise your masquerade, and the dishonest way you pose yourself and your fucking client.

Russ: (quietly) We're all part of the same hypocrisy, Counselor. But never think it applies to my client.

Opposing Counsel: All right, then let me say you'll pay me because it's in your interests to pay me. I'll expect your answer, with payment, by tomorrow morning. Only don't contact me...from now on, deal only through Turnbull.

Russ: Counselor...(cold and calm)...you can have my answer now if you'd like. My offer is this. Nothing...not even the twenty thousand dollars for the Gaming Commission, which I'd appreciate if you would put up personally.


In actuality it didn't play out like a scene from Godfather II. It actually went like this:

Russ: We want a reinstatement of the car loan.

Opposing Counsel: Impossible.

Russ: How about giving you the title with no liability.

Opposing Counsel: That works.

Russ: And no 1099 tax liability?

Opposing Counsel: I'll look into that.

Russ: Good.

Opposing Counsel: Good. See you in two months at the next hearing.

Ugh! Even when law is interesting it's still dull by comparison

Recent IM

I just woke up to let my dog out when I found this IM someone left for me:

Anonymous Reader: Hey guys, a few friends and I dig your blog (some of those friends are chicks) but your slacking is suspect at best. Why are you up so early posting in your blog? We think you get up early to read before class.

I'm not sure why, but this really offended me when my slacking was called into question. You can call me many things, but you will not call me one of those people who puts any effort into law school. It is laughable. Only law students would pay attention to such things as the time that we make our posts. If it really matters, our time clock thing is set to Pacific time, despite the fact that we live in the east. I could change it, I guess, but I'm just that lazy. How's that for slacking, retard?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

This is the last week of classes at my school, which means that my favorite part of the law school experience is fast approaching: Exams.

I love exam time for a number of reasons. First, as you know, I am forced to attend classes, so exams bring an end to my daily required presence and affords me much more free time to spend as I please (which this year will include playing NCAA Football 2006 on my PS2, watching the new Seinfeld DVDs, and emptying out my Tivo).

Second, being the fan of observing human behavior that I am, exams bring out the best and worst and funniest of people. Today, I saw a few 1Ls who had the thousand-yard stare, always a precursor to a freak out. Also today, a classmate and I overheard another 3L talking in detail about his 18-hour per day study schedule. We had a laugh at his expense and concluded that if you are a 3L and still need to study for 18 hours a day, you are in big, big trouble (or just a dork).

Third, in an effort to avoid actually doing work, I tend to clean my apartment with great detail. While others may be memorizing rules of evidence or jurisdictional splits in domestic relations law, I will be scrubbing my bathtub and cleaning out the little egg holders in my fridge. I may not learn those rules or splits as well as the other students, but everytime I go into my bathroom, it will be sparkling, and everytime I open my fridge, my eggs will be nice and clean.

Okay, at this point I realize that most of you reading this may hate me now because you are slaving over outlines or stuggling with key concepts or are stressed out to the max. But remember this: Exam time (read: adderall) also brings out my creative side. So I will be able to post numerous stories and observations to hopefully brighten your otherwise boring and stress-filled days. That's my promise to you, the reader. And if you still hate me for my devil-may-care approach to exams, remember this: Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Response From the Worst Law School Around

Earlier today I posted the winner of the "Why My Law School Sucks" contest. Apparently, this caused a bit of an uproar at that school, and someone from the school wrote us about the contest winner. To be fair to everyone, I am posting the school's response:

A response from the "anonymous law school":We here at the lowest ranked law school in the borough felt that it was necessary to respond to the accusation made by a student, that we are the "worst" law school around.To answer the first gripe made by the ungrateful student, we are proud that our school is the most expensive around. Additionally, the student was actually incorrect in stating that this is a $39,000/yr education. This student forgot to include the astronomical cost of books in our (damp basement) bookstore, not to mention the extreme cost of living in this city.

Although it is true that we have consistently allowed more students to enter each year than we actually have room for, we haven't heard that many complaints about the folding chairs in classrooms. Students seem to enjoy sitting in the aisles, or on laps. It gives them a sense of closeness that many schools dont have. Additionally, we feel that argumentation skills are an important part of the JD program, and therefore a few brawls here and there (in class, in the library) are actually beneficial and key to developing skills that lawyers need.

Additionally, regarding the exam proctors: The school has gone out and recruited the finest proctors that no money can buy. Not only are these men and women untrained in the field, they are also hard of hearing and flatulent. We feel that this is a winning combination and we strive to keep our standards continuously low.

In regard to the "short-bus" as the students lovingly refer to the remedial classes - We realize that this is the best way to keep students in school that might otherwise fail out. That would be another $20K loss for the school... Not something we care to think about, and we feel that we are justified in keeping them around.

Finally, although the student didn't mention it in his/her letter, we feel that the library is an important subject to address. There seems to be growing concern over the fact that we have sold our library. It's true - we sold the school's only library in August (we managed not to tell the students until just last week - sneaky, sneaky). We knew they wouldn't notice as we packed up each and every single book over the past 4 months. And even if they noticed, to be honest, it's not as if anyone even uses these books. Anway, the building has been sold, and we've considered renting out The Intrepid, allowing students to study on the deck... We will keep you in the loop re: these developments.

We thank you for taking the time to read this letter. (It is more than we would do for you, or for our students.)

Best Wishes for a Cheery Holiday Season!

Sunshine State

I just got back from Florida after spending Thanksgiving with my girlfriend's Jewish grandparents at their Del Boca Vista-esque complex. Then we spent a few days in America's gay mecca, Miami's South Beach.

Apparently, 5,132,321 Floridians voted for George Bush in the last election. It's safe to say that I didn't meet any of them.

Contest Winner

We received a lot of submissions for the "Why my law school sucks the most" contest, but the following one takes the cake. The writer wished to remain anonymous, but it's pretty easy to figure out what school they are talking about.

-We pay more tuition for a worse reputation. ($39,000/year for a 3/4 tier school).
-The building sucks something awful...The library books are being boxed up because the school is about to redo the whole building.
-The name of the school sounds like the name of one of the top 10 schools. Everytime I tell someone where I go, they act all happy and say, "Oh, that highly ranked law school just below Stanford, right?" and I have to meekly say, "No, that's another school. I go to the one that no one's ever heard of."
-The electrical outlets in classrooms and the library all suck. I'd say only about half of the outlets work, and people get very possessive over them. so much so that they unplug other people's computers without saying anything.
-The exam proctors all have a giant stick up their asses. They are the same for every exam: an old guy with a hearing aid and a fat guy who demands silence 30 minutes before the exam begins.
-There are remedial classes that the bottom third of the class is forced to take after the first semester.
-They'll keep you on for an extra semester if you are in the bottom 10% of the class.
-There are only three elevators that go past the fifth floor so that people wait in a line to get upstairs.
-The school is composed of three attached buildings that only connect on the first and fifth floors.
-There aren't enough seats in the big classes.


I'm still laughing about the "special ed" classes you have to take if you are ranked low. That shit's hilarious. Do they have to wear helmets too?

Friday, November 25, 2005

More Norm

Norm is the consummate fat man. He is truly comfortable with his size, weather he's wearing a barbeque sauce stained t-shirt or if he's dressed up for the night in a lobster bib. In fact, Russ and Norm once went to a Halloween party dressed as Gilligan and the Skipper.

Of course, not every moment is jolly for the husky blonde gentleman. The day after Chris Farley's death a little girl he didn't know pointed at him and screamed in horror, "Chris Farley! Chris Farley! Chris Farley!" Norm quickly got over that shocking moment and returned to his normally ebullient self.

Norm relishes in his role as "the fat guy." Always being charming and self-deprecating in such a way that seems to flick that "He's a big teddy bear" switch in women. In fact, he often says he doesn't like it when another fat guy is in the group, and he often wishes he could just walk up to fat guy # 2 and say, "Hey man, I've got this one covered."

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Norm and his Harajuku Girls

Our good friend Norm is getting married in January and I recently hosted a bachelor party for him. Norm is a fantastic guy who bears a striking resemblance in looks, girth, and personality to comedian, Kevin James. And it's just a little comical that this large blonde man is marrying a very sweet, very small woman of Japanese descent.

Anyways, I was talking with two women who were of Asian descent about restaurants to eat at for his bachelor party. They said, "Who's getting married?"

I said, "My good buddy. He looks and acts just like Kevin James from the King of Queens"

They were both like, "Oh my God. I love Kevin James!"

"Oooh, Isn't Kevin James married to a little Filipina woman?" said the first Asian woman

"I love him in Hitch," Said the second Asian woman. She then started to do the Q-tip dance from the movie.

I immediately told Norm this story and how taken it seemed that all Asian women were with him.

Norm seemed nonplussed, "What can I say? It's a sumo culture."

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Sophistication


This weekend, Mike and I joined some friends of ours at a BYOB restaurant. For those of you who aren't familiar with the concept, BYOB is a policy that some restaurants have that allows the customer to bring their own booze.

90% of the BYOB population usually brings a bottle of wine. Not Mike, though. As soon as Mike was seated, he lovingly fished a 40 oz bottle of Miller High Life out of a brown paper bag and proceeded to pour a few ounces into a wine glass. He spun the glass in his hand to air out the beer and then gave it a deep sniff.

"Ah, carefully aged from a little vineyard I know of in Milwaukee," Mike said before he took the first sip of his Chateau High Life.

After some odd stares from other patrons of the restaurant, Mike exclaimed, "What? It says right here on the label, 'The Champagne of Beers.'"

Monday, November 21, 2005

Contest #2

Think your law school sucks? Tell us why. The reasons could range anywhere from ridiculous adminstrative policies to some retarded graduation requirements or any other reason that you think your law school is worse than all the rest. Send your stories to barelylegalblog@gmail.com. Of course, you (and your school) can stay anonymous if you wish.

The Many Angry, Ugly Faces of Dingus

When you're a horrible drunk and even worse human being there are a lot of inevitabilities: Bar fights, destroyed relationships, and jail time. But if you're a 95 pound 20 year old, no one will go to the bar with you, no girl will date you, and the police will let you off with a juvenile's warning.

This was the fate of Dingus, the fraternity brother everybody loved to hate.

I know what a lot of you are already thinking, "Why would you even hang out with someone you hated." Well, first of all he's a fraternity brother, he's basically legally entitled to attend all the fraternities' events. Secondly, Lots of people did just ignore him. He once confronted me in an angry, drunken rage and said, "I know you and Mike are always making fun of me." to which I gave the brutally honest and ego crashing answer, "Dingus, who else even talks to you." Third, there is something in the male psyche that begs oneself to watch impending tragedy, whether a bug under a magnifying glass or angry weakling with a fifth of Captain Morgan in him.

Luckily for us, Dingus never did fail to provide several humorous outbursts. These are his stories (hopefully they can translate to the written word unlike 99% of fraternity "you had to be there" stories):

# 1: Picking on Patty

Pat, probably the most docile and nicest fraternity brother decided one day to drop the Mr. Nice Guy act and actually pick on Dingus for a change. Dingus, apparently, didn't care how insulted he was but rather who insulted him. Dingus let out one of his gravely, Beavis-esque, "Fuck You's" and hurled a beer at Patty's head. No real damage was done, due to Dingus' scrawniness, despite contact being made. Mike and I then begged Pat to give Dingus a justified beating. Pat, like everyone else Dingus has ever bothered, found it too pathetic to try to fight a 90 lbs man.

# 2: Fighting for the Bottom of the Totem Pole.

I wish Dingus was our fraternity's only scrawny loser but I'm afraid he wasn't. Dingus had his rival for the bottom of the totem pole in CJ, a scrawny little bullshit artist who decided it would be funny to kick Dingus in the balls at the beginning of a party. Dingus was still sober then so he didn't do anything about the attack except complain about it. All through the night, Dingus nursed his balls and his beer telling everyone, "That fuckin' CJ kicked me in the balls." By the end of the night, six hours after the original incident, Dingus ran out of people to complain to and walked up to CJ and punched him in the face without a word. Everyone shook their heads in disappointment at these two straw men and suggested that Dingus go to bed.

# 3: I Keep My Friends Close, But My Enemies Closer.

Nobody could stand Dingus or CJ so, naturally, they had to move in together. CJ had actually managed to get himself a cute girlfriend which really took the edge of the angry, drunk, Beavis voice CJ had to listen to every day. At a kegger one night, I "tricked" CJ's girlfriend into taking off her top in front of me and 10 other guys. Word of this event spread room to room throughout the 6 bedroom off-campus house. Finally we heard the news reach the room next to us: a gravely Beavis-esque howl cried out, "This is fuckin' bullshit! Everyone gets to see them but the roommate!"

Ah, Dingus. You were actually a nice guy when you were sober and we always treated you that way when you were sober. I heard you're now a CPA in Kansas City. I hope you're in a program or something.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Doncha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me

I've posted before about how I have a poor opinion of strippers. I just don't get strip clubs, they're basically just a bar with better scenery and higher prices. When I'm in a bar, I prefer talking a girl into getting naked over at my place rather than giving her a dollar bill to see her naked immediately.

My disdain for strippers has gotten me into trouble, though. A few years ago I was at a strip club when some girl took the stage who I thought was really beautiful.

Russ: Wow! You are really gorgeous. You kind of look like my ex-girlfriend.

Stripper: Hmmm. Ya, you're pretty cute, yourself. I could see you dating a girl like me.

Russ: Hey. Don't get too high on yourself.

Stripper: Take your own advice, asshole! (gives me the finger)

Thursday, November 17, 2005

End of an Era

It had to happen some time. At long last, my Cal Ripken-esque streak has ended. In retrospect, I can't believe it lasted this long. The last time it happened was Contracts, November of my first year. Sure, there were some near misses...My streak almost ended less than a year after it started, in Con Law II, but I was absent that day. A constant seat in the back row, a spotty attendance record and some good old fashioned luck played a big part too. But today, it, like all good things, came to an end.

I am talking, of course, about my long streak of not being asked to explain a case in class.

Sure, I have been called on a few times during the streak, to give a one word answer or asked for my thoughts on a topic, and I can always fake my way through that. And yes, earlier this year I volunteered to explain a case (which I hadn't actually read, by the way) in a class when the professor said that anyone who volunteered would be immune for the rest of the semester. But for what amounts to two full years of law school, I was never put on the spot to explain a case that was assigned for the benefit of the class. Until today.

I was in Evidence, one of the few 3Ls in that class who neglected to take it last year. I sit in the way, way back row with some fellow 3Ls, who were all absent. I was slouched way down in my chair, with my Rules book open, but I wasn't paying attention because I was looking out the window. The professor instructed us to open our case books to the assigned reading, which I hadn't bothered doing. Then, walking the aisle, she pointed at me and asked me to explain the case to the class. I opened my book to the case and looked at it for a second. The professor asked a question about the case...I hesitated, and then said, "I'm not sure". The professor asked why not, and I responded "Well, because I haven't read it." Slightly peeved but sensing my 3L apathy, the professor asked a perky and well-prepared 2L who was sitting in front of me. I closed my case book and went back to staring out the window.

Tommorrow I am going to show up unprepared again and ready to start another streak.

Slackers Unite!

For my clinic, one of my client's is a woman whose car was repossessed, ostensibly, because her payment was 2 days late.

I relish the fact that I am essentially part of a "Slackers' Defense League." When will my people ever find peace?

More Law Nerd Stuff

I just posted about my intellectial laziness, and it reminded me of a conversation I was having with a reader the other day. She brought up a Federal judge, and I had to confess that I had no idea who it was. It's not that I wouldn't be unable to discuss the Federal judiciary if I wanted to; I could. But the thing is, I just don't care. I'm sorry. I just don't. Maybe I could name all the member of the Supreme Court...let's see, there is Scalia, Thomas, Ginsberg, Kennedy...umm...Souter (sp?)...Brennen or Brenner or something...um...Rehnquist is dead...the new guy, Mumbly Joe or whatever his name is...and O'Connor is gone...Oh well, I tried.

But anyway, I just had a great idea. I am going to make Federal Judge trading cards. This way all the law nerds can bring their love of law home with them. Can't you just see two law review EICs tearing open a pack of Federal Judiciary cards?

EIC #1: Awesome! I got a Danny Boggs, Chief Judge in the 6th Circuit. (Flips over card). Whoa, 22 dissenting opinions in 1998.

EIC #2: Who cares? I got a Rehnquist memorial card with a piece of his robe embedded in the card! This thing has got to be worth a ton!

EIC #1: Ooh, let me see!

EIC #2: No way, get your own!

EIC #1: I'm telling the law review advisor on you!

Another Way To Be Lazy

My rant yesterday about asking guest speakers questions brought on a few dissenting IMs, one which struck me more than others. The reader said "you should try and learn a lot from guest speakers because they are probably experts in their field". I told this (cough...dork...cough) reader that if I am not interested in the field to begin with, then I am not going to care what some expert says. "Then maybe you are just intellectually lazy", the reader told me.

This stung a bit (although I'm not sure why), so I asked Russ.

Me: Russ, do you find most guest speakers to be pretty boring?
Russ: Yeah, unless it's a topic I am really into, which rarely happens.
Me: But if it's not...who are these people who get so into it and ask poignant and incisive questions?
Russ: I don't know....nerds?
Me: Well that's a given...but if we don't care, does that make us intellectually lazy?
Russ: Probably.

Okay, so it's confirmed, I am intellectually lazy. Add that to the list of physically lazy and emotionally lazy. Up next: Mike tackles metaphysical laziness.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Random Rant #4

Do you know what bugs me more than anything else? The people who have no "wrapping it up" anticipation and ask questions to a professor or guest speaker just as that person is about to stop talking and possibly let you go early. (Note: This applies mostly towards classes which meet once a week and extra-curricular speakers. No matter what, I am not there voluntarily).

Being an observer of people, I have a very acute sense of when somebody has had their fill of stroking their ego by talking to a room full of bored listeners. Or maybe everyone has this sense and I am just stroking my own ego. But either way, it is easy to tell. Their ramblings become more conclusory, their words tend to trail off a bit, they seem to ease up because they know they are done. And then you hear, "Any questions?"

This is the most tense time of the speech. I look around nervously, trying to determine if anyone in the room is going to raise their hand. Hold for one second...nobody...Hold for another second...nobody...Hold for a third second...Oh my god, we might get out of here now...yessss, this is finally over...and....SON OF A BITCH...a hand shoots up. Great, now we are stuck here for an undetermined period of time.

Apparently these people never got the memo that says that you don't ask people questions when the end of their speech means the end of confinement. This should be part of the common trust held between all students. We are in this together. Don't be that guy (or girl). Fight that urge to hear your own voice. We will all appreciate it greatly.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

A Professor Actually Said This To Me.

Professor: Russell, you'd better get familiar with the law and the facts of this case. Your charm will only carry you so far.

My thoughts: Maybe that's only as far as I want to go.

Translation of my thoughts: Maybe I only want to be a personal injury attorney.

Lousy Karma...

Ike, enjoying a snooze after making me look foolish


Earlier today, I made fun of some guy who I saw slip and fall in the mud. Well, sometimes karma is a bitch. Just a little bit ago, I took my English Bulldog Ike out to do his business. I was wearing flip-flops, shorts, and a sweatshirt. Ike did his thing, and I bent over to clean it up. I had his leash wrapped around my hand. Just as I was standing up, he took off after a squirrel. Not expecting this little tank to go into full gear, and having no traction with my flip-flops, my feet slipped out from under me and I did a giant ass plant on the saturated ground. Ike then turned around, came up to me, and licked me on the face.

But, unlike my friend from earlier, I came inside and changed my clothes. And nobody saw me. So I stick by my decision to make fun of him. Try again, Cosmos.

Bad Day

My school's parking lot is across the street from the building, and is separated from the street by a small grassy hill. Instead of walking around to the sidewalk, most people cut over this hill on their way to and from the parking lot.

It rained hard last night and was still drizzling this morning. The ground was quite wet and the path worn by people walking on the hill was muddy. I walked around today, not wanting to risk getting muddy. However, not everybody saw the risks that I did. One poor chump, in a hurry, decided to brave the muddy little hill in his dress pants and oxfords. As he started to make the descent, his feet gave out and he did a huge ass plant right in the wet grass. He quickly stood up, surveyed the damage (a huge wet muddy spot on his ass and lower back), and shockingly, continued on into school.

Now, I know that law school is the end all be all of some people's existence, but Jesus Christ pal, if there was ever a good reason to go home and just call it a day, you had it.

How Rude!

This weekend I was out of town and needed to check my email so I went to an internet cafe. I sat down at a computer and found a minimized window. I opened it up only to have my senses rattled by some very graphic bestiality. I closed it out quickly, afraid that anyone else had seen me open up some other person's pornography.

A few seconds later, some guy comes up behind me and says, "Um, excuse me. I was sitting there."

Monday, November 14, 2005

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Faithful readers will remember Brent, the unlovable loser who recieved a bid to my fraternity as a favor to his parents. In that story, I left out a few details that better describe the character: First, although his name was Brent, he was universally known as 'Dingus'. Second, he was rail thin and did not handle his alcohol well. And third, he had a very distinctive voice that sounded remarkably similar to Beavis. In fact, I had totally forgotten the story I am about to tell until I recently saw Beavis and Butthead on Comedy Central and hearing the voice caused me to have a Proust-ian moment when all these memories about him came flooding back.

From time to time the fraternity would have date parties where the members would invite a date and everyone would go to some event and have a good old drunken time. One time, our freshman year, we had such a date party at an off-campus house, and Dingus invited a girl from his dorm. This girl, on first glance, appeared to be very smart and politely declined to accompany this idiot to the date party, telling him she was going to be out of town. So Dingus, as he would many times, showed up by himself, already drunk and angry, grabbed a beer and planted himself on the couch to sulk alone.

About a half-hour later, the once seemingly smart girl who had rejected Dingus's advances walked into the place on the arm of another guy in the house. Suddenly she no longer looked smart, but really really stupid. Since Dingus and trainwrecks went hand in hand, I made sure to stay close by, to see how this all played out. The girl walked into the house and her date went to get them drinks. She stood around, surveying the room, when suddenly her eyes stopped and a look of horror came across her face. She locked eyes with Dingus, realized the situation she had put herself in, and hurried into the other room to find her date.

I watched this whole scene play out, and went over to Dingus. Always the instigator, I said, "Are you going to let her dis you like that man? You have got to confront her." He seemed to mull it over for a bit and finally said he would, if I got him another beer. I did him one better, went and filled up a whole pitcher and set it on the table in front of him. He appreciated the gesture and proceeded to drink the whole thing, building up his courage to confront the woman who had done him wrong.

For a long time, the girl and her date stayed away from Dingus, while he got drunker and drunker. Finally, towards the end of the party, she and her date came into the same room as Dingus. I grabbed my friend Pat, who had been watching just as intently as me, went over to a now very inebriated Dingus and told him it was now or never. He agreed, and yelled "Hey, Carrie". She turned his way, and as he tried (unsuccessfully) to stand up from the couch, shouted, in his gravelly Beavis-esque voice, "You shouldn't lie to people!" Pat, I, and about a dozen other people died of laughter.

After regaining composure, Pat and I looked at eachother, and I said, "You know, he's right. You really shouldn't lie to people." Pat agreed, and we actually felt sorry for him.

Fast forward two years, and another date party. Dingus asked a girl who hung around the house a lot, and she declined, saying she was busy with school stuff. Predictably, she walked into the party with another guy, made eye contact with Dingus, and immediately turned the other way. I saw this scene play out as well, and went up to him. "You shouldn't lie to people, right?", I said to him.

"Fuck her", he responded in his cartoonish voice. "Bitches ain't shit but tricks and hoes".

"You said it brother", I responded, as I bought him a sympathy beer.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Back to the Basics

Earlier today I went to the Buffalo Wild Wings (aka BW3) on campus to continue my weekly tradition of gorging myself on Saturday afternoons. I was starving, and as I tend to do when I am hungry, my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I waited in line, got up to the counter, and ordered 16 boneless wings and some potato wedges. The cashier tried to enter my order, but she became confused, and said, finally, "Um, I'm sorry sir, our boneless wings only come in orders of 8 and 12". Since I eat there at least once a week, I was fully aware of this. I looked at her for a second, hoping she would figure it out. When I realized she wouldn't, I said, very softly so as not to embarrass her, "Eight plus eight is sixteen."

Who was this cashier who was a bit slow on the uptake? A high school dropout? A prisoner on work release? Nope, an undergraduate student at my esteemed university.

(But to be fair, her math skills are at least on par with the average law student.)

Friday, November 11, 2005

Pretty in Pink

Yesterday, I went to Walgreens to print out some photos of some friends of mine and I at a party that I had taken with my digital camera. When the photos came out of the machine, the color was all messed up. All of our faces were bright pink in the photo.

'This is garbage!,' I thought, 'I just paid 7 bucks for all these photos.' I stomped over to the clerk looking at the ridiculous photo in frustration.

"Um, excuse me, your photo machine is getting the color wrong because we do not have pink faces," I said, still starring and pointing at the photo.

Then I looked up at the clerk from the photos...She had a giant pink birthmark covering her entire face.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

You Can't Please Everyone. So, You Got To Please Yourself

Someone linked to us and said "Everything on that blog is trite and pedestrian." We don't want to link back to that comment but we did discuss it amongst ourselves.

Russ: I think it's a compliment. What he doesn't know is that women love "trite and pedestrian."

Mike: To paraphrase Ferris Bueller....Sure it might be trite and pedestrian...but so is law school.

Russ: People who dislike us are like that principal in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. If my People magazine is correct, the actor who played the principal was found guilty of child pornography. Coincidence?

Mike: Not at all. Conclusion: If you don't like us, you are a pedophile.

Townhall Tirade

My State and Local Government class requires that we log in a few hours at a local city council, county board, state legislature meeting. So, being near the end of the semester, everyone is scrambling to do it now. Classmates are sending out mass emails alerting us to the extremely boring opportunities of watch a zoning commission or wetland reclamation meeting.

Being a joker I sent out my own mass email.

Anyone want to join me? I'll be going to a city council meeting in a small town called Beaumont outside of (city I live in). They don't allow dancing in that town yet a senior transfer student is petitioning to allow a prom. I've been his lobbyist. I've advised him to quote Psalm 95 and, failing that, to kick off his sunday shoes.

And, yes, someone did think this was real.

I Love This Reader

Yesterday, I was having an IM conversation with a regular reader who attends a very prestigious law school. She told me the following story:

"So I was sitting in the student lounge, and the 2L chick is talking to her friend, this 1L guy. She turns to me and asks, 'have you ever invited a professor out to coffee?' I turned to the guy and said, 'you are such a tool.' I had seen him and a few other 1Ls having coffee with [famous law professor] in the dining hall, and I put two and two together. He says, 'why?' Then the following exchange took place:

Me: Look, you are going to learn this sooner or later, and I suggest you learn it sooner: The professors here don't give a shit about you or your ideas, and honestly, you shouldn't give a shit about their ideas because it's just a bunch of recycled drivel. Law professors are just philosophy professors who couldn't cut it at philosophy. They don't even know your name, and they aren't going to learn it.

Him: But I care what [famous law professor] has to say.

Me: Why?

Him: Because it's interesting.

Me: No it isn't. It's the same shit that is in all his books. Tragic Choices my ass. The only tragic choice I made was going to law school.

Him: [look of disbelief]

Me: Let me ask you something: Do you ask questions in class?

Him: Yes.

Me: Don't do that, because all it will do is make all the other law students hate you. There is nothing you could possibly say that could impress your professors because THEY AREN'T LISTENING! Do you get that? They don't care what some scrub like you has to say. They only care what they have to say. Trust me, all the other students in the class will come to hate you if you act like such a tool. And by the way, you aren't going to get a clerkship because you asked [famous law professor] out to coffee.

Him: [stomps off]

If I could award this reader some sort of medal, I would. We need more people like her in law school.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Comments....

Despite the fact that I have explained it on several occasions, people still ask us why we don't allow comments on our blog. Back in July, I wanted to get rid of them completely but Russ wanted to keep them. I sent Russ the following email, which convinced him to eliminate comments once and for all:

Russ,

Comments on a blog are sort of like a laugh track on a tv show. It makes the audience think they are part of the show. Pretty soon, people start using the comments like a message board, to say anything that somes to mind, no matter how boring, unnecessary, or how much they miss the point. You said you like getting the feedback; I don't, because I don't care what they think, nor do I want to know what they think. You said something to me once that sort of sums up my feelings towards our blog: "I'm like a guy with a three inch dick at an orgy. I'm only here to please myself." Russ, you were eloquent as always.

Mike

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Hankerin' for a Spankerin'

Not surprisingly, my distaste of authority for it's own sake did not start on my first day of law school. Whether it was gym clothes regulations in high school or bathroom pass policies in elementary school, I have always tried to "beat the system."

In fact, my hijinks go back even further. When I was four, my mother got me one those stupid leashes people put on kids so they can't run away. Every time she put it on me I would get on all fours, bark, and say, "I'm a puppy. I don't use a bathroom," much to her consternation.

I didn't understand that the living room wall wasn't my crayola fresco or that "poop" wasn't a word that should be shouted at church, during a sermon. What I did understand is that sometimes, when I was being true to my inner spirit, my mother would go into a rage and spank me. What made it worse is that she would say something clever before spanking me like, "I'm going to play a tune on your rear."

Now having a child who is a smart ass still means that he is smart. So, I devised a plan for the next time she wanted to spank me. It was so brilliant that I couldn't wait to get into trouble! I promptly began to flush things down the toilet.

When I heard the shrill scream, "Russellllll!" I knew my mother had found a toilet full of GI Joes and I began to run to the kitchen and put my anti-spanking plan into action. I opened one of the bottom kitchen cupboards, grabbed a pot lid and shoved it down my pants. She could spank away for all I cared, Corningwear had me covered.

She stormed into the kitchen to find me standing defiantly in a superman pose (legs spread, elbows at 90 degree angles, fists planted in my sides). This valkerie in a print dress rushed at me, quipping "You are cruising for a bruising." I braced myself as she wound her arm out to hit me. When her palm hit my bottom I felt nothing. Success! Ha ha, I was the smartest kid in the world!

Then, I noticed that she was holding her hand in pain and now she looked way more angry than she did before and possibly angrier than I'd ever seen her. I was cornered in the kitchen with no escape. Uh oh! I hadn't thought this far. No amount of smug cuteness could've saved me from the spanking that followed.

As she walloped me I screamed, "I'll be good from now on. I promise," until she stopped.

What a sucker! I melted some crayons in the microwave later that day.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Facebook

Are you a facebook whore? Would you like to have Russ and Mike as your facebook friends? If so, you are in luck. Either send us an email to barelylegalblog@gmail.com, or IM me at AIM: barelylegalblog. Be sure to include your first and last name and where you go to school, and soon enough, you'll have a new facebook friend, and you'll be the envy of all your friends!

***Clarification: If you are a dude, don't ask for a facebook add. I guess I thought that it was implied that we only wanted female readers to add, but I guess I should have been clearer. Guys, if you enjoy reading, that is great and we really appreciate your readership but there's just something creepy about some guy sending us an email titled, "Hey man, I love you guys." We really enjoy getting female adulation, however.

More Reader Email...

One reader sent us this email making a funny little jab at out 'Best Of' post...

A best of, critics will say that you've lost your creative edge and your fans will reminisce about the early days of your blog. You must revive your blog with either a heavy handed product placement or an awkward and pointless guest appearance.

And my response...

I disagree. We did the commercial stuff early, just to get a fan base and make some cash. Now that we are established, we are taking our blog in strange new directions. The Best Of is just to fund our next huge project, called Barely Legal's Lonely Hearts Club Band. It might alienate some of our older fans accustomed to our regular stuff, but I feel that it will revolutionize blogs as we know them. Unfortunately, Russ just began dating a Japanese conceptual artist and she is driving us apart. So you never know what will happen next.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Email from a reader...

...about my rant on attendance policies.

dude, chill about the attendance policy...... it seems to me that there are more important things to bitch about in law school besides a petty, nearly meaningless attendance policy.... just suck it up and go to class

my law school has a policy, and it is nearly universally accepted, rarely complained about, by the student body....

the student handbook, to go with a bit of legal lingo here, should (perhaps does, in a sense) revolve around the 'reasonable law student' idea..... ideally, every student should to nearly every class, except when sick or due to an emergency situation.... slackers (cough, cough) shouldn't dictate school policy for everyone......


A ridiculous email requires a ridiculous response:

Dude, shut the fuck up. I'll complain about whatever I want to. And I cannot think of anything more important to complain about than the attendance policy. It's my dime, I should be able to spend it as I want. Lots of schools have no policy whatsoever and they do just fine.

The problem with lots of lawyers and law students is that they are just conformists who don't question what authority tells them. I really hate people like that, which is why I don't fit in at law school. Who gives a fuck if I show up for class? If they are going to base the entire grade on my performance on one exam, then who cares what I do leading up to that exam? You lose a lot of free will by accepting such a policy as status quo.

A great man once said, 'There are those who look at things the way they are and ask why...I dream of things that never were and ask why not?'

Did I just compare myself to Robert F. Kennedy? Yes I did.

Russ: A Gracious Winner

I'm in a clinic, so my state lets me try cases on behalf of the clinic's clients. I had the good fortune to try my first jury trial this past friday. What's more, I won!

My opposing counsel was a somewhat famous attorney in the local community, named "Bob Cohen" (fake name for my pseudo-anonymous blog). He was very gracious and not too brutal with the objections, and I really appreciated it. He also congratulated me on a job well done.

My opposing counsel's second chair (sort of an emergency attorney every trial attorney has on hand) also congratulated me. "Second Chair" was nice enough to shake my hand and say, "Congratulations, now you can tell everyone that you beat Bob Cohen."

I returned "Second Chair's" hand shake, smiled, and said, "Don't worry. I'll mention you, too."

Saturday, November 05, 2005

The 'Best Of' Barely Legal Blog

We have accumulated a lot of posts since we started this blog in March, and we get lots of new readers every day. For their benefit, and for our long-time readers who might want to take a trip down memory lane, Russ and I, with the input of some devoted readers, have complied a list of our favorite posts from before this school year started. So without further ado, here ya go:

The Jean Shorts Guy- Of all the 'People You Meet' profiles we did, this is our favorite, probably because it makes fun of such a ridiculous person. We both agreed that this is our favorite post of all the ones on the blog.

Law School vs. Med School, Law School vs. Barber College, Law School vs. High School- We did this little series comparing the finer points of law school to some rival education institutions. Back when we had comments, we had some law school defenders take these seriously and try to find flaws in our comparisons. And you wonder why we no longer have comments...

Online Law Schools- This post pokes a little fun at the emerging internet law schools, and wonders if some of the oddities of normal law school seep over.

Adventures in Autism- This is a post that has nothing to do with law school, but chronicles the time when I was a caretaker for an autistic child. Yeah, read that sentence again. Boggles the mind.

Brett From Blafayette- This is a story about of friend of Russ and me, and some good old fashioned red state values.

BigLaw Hiring Partner on Halloween- I realize now that we should have re-posted this on Halloween, but lets face it, we aren't that organized.

Exam Dress, Exam Dress Follow Up- This post was just one born out of my procrastinating even during a final. You'll notice that the follow up again refers back to the days when we accepted comments. I don't miss those days at all...

Interviewing Fun, Personal Injury- These two posts both deal with an ill-fated interview I had with a personal injury firm...I need to work on my interviewing skills, I think.

Best Laid Plans- This is a pretty random story (which we are known to post from time to time) about Russ learning a cruel lesson during puberty.

Sometimes Cheating Pays- This is a pretty random story about me learning a cruel lesson when I was still a child.

The Canary- Of all the 'people you meet' posts we did, we got the most feedback about this one, oddly enough. But considering what type of law student that comprises the target audience of this blog, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.

Foot in Mouth Disease Strikes Again- I can't even imagine what the reaction to this post would have been had we still had comments when it was posted. If I have learned anything, it's that some of our readers love them some Jesus.

The Rising 3L's Dilemma- I haven't seen this girl since our first fateful meeting. I really wonder how she is doing at times, but you can't say she wasn't warned.

The Blossoming of a Law Student- In this post, Russ talks about his inspiration for becoming a lawyer. It might sound tongue-in-cheek, but I believe that Russ was 100% serious in this post.

There is Wisdom in his Foolishness- Finally, this is a post I made about an encounter with a high school classmate a while back. The closer I get to graduating law school, the more I envy him.

There you have it, Russ and my favorite posts. Obviously there are a lot more we could have picked, but whatever, we are lazy, and besides, it wouldn't make much sense to link all the posts we have perviously done, would it?

Friday, November 04, 2005

Primary Colors

There's nothing cuter than a 9 year old running for class president. On the flip side, there's nothing more pathetic than a college student running for a student office.

Mike and I were in a fraternity with one of those guys. His name was Ryan and he was super peppy with a saccharine yet sad quality. Needless to say, his personality did not blend well with Mike's and my cynical and irony-driven personalities.

Anyway, Ryan was combing the many floors of the fraternity house asking people if they would help him put up campaign posters for his latest run. Each of his perky requests was denied as he went from room to room. Finally, when he got to Mike and me, he gave a half-hearted appeal for help.

In a fit of atypical pity I said, "Sure, we'd love to."

"Really?", asked Ryan.

"Really", said Mike, and then in a fit of typical snarkiness said, "But, we'll just write slogans for you in chalk on the sidewalks of campus."

Mike and I then killed an hour walking across campus writing demographic-specific slogans.

In front of the Women's Studies building: "Our bodies, Ourselves! Vote for Ryan"

In front of the History department: "54' 40'' or Fight! Vote for Ryan."

In front of the Communication building: "I believe you have a real major! Vote for Ryan."

In front of the ATM: "Cash! Money! Hoes! Vote for Ryan."

Not surprisingly, Ryan lost that election. Don't worry about him, though. He's now a marketing manger for the Texas Roadhouse restaurant chain. So, the next time you're ordering the advertised "Southwestern Pizza Rolls" on "Monday's Margarita Madness" night, thank us, his motley crew of a campaign team, for keeping him out of the jaws of politics and getting him into his true calling: Helping the Red States get even fatter.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Peanuts

When you're very little (like 5) you watch Peanuts (Charlie Brown) cartoons and it's a little bewildering. There are lots of kids who are all virtually identical except for having different haircuts and t-shirts. They all talk as though they're adults to the point where there is no need for adults in the cartoon. So, the main story is just not accessible to little kids.

Luckily, there's Snoopy. He doesn't say anything, he just does what he feels. When things get dull, he escapes into a world of fantasy (Red Baron, Joe Cool). Little kids can relate to the bewildered, fantasy-addled Snoopy. In fact, they love him. You've never seen a plush Charlie Brown but you could choke the grand canyon with soft cute Snoopy dolls.

We spend years watching Snoopy's hijinks while the Peanuts characters are just background noise. But sooner or later, you start thinking about what Charlie Brown is really all about, the sheer sad disappointment of life. Unrequited love, perpetual failure, cruel statements, competing circles of friends are all the substantive material for this "children's" show. Charlie Brown and the gang become a cartoon boot camp for kids about to enter the real world or junior high (whichever comes first).

I have to extend a hearty thanks to Charles Schultz for this shell game that traded the whimsical for the existential. It allowed me, when life dealt me it's first cruel blows that my parents couldn't fix, to find the right words: "Good Grief!"

Common Sense Is Even Less Common in Law School

I've written a lot about how I refuse to abandon my common sense for Socratic law school thinking. Here's another example:

Every other day, a mass email is sent out by one of my classmates informing everyone that one of the cars in the parking lot has it's lights on. The owner, presumably, scrambles outside to save his or her battery while the hundreds of us that this doesn't effect just delete the email.

Just the other day, I personally noticed that one of the cars in the law school parking lot had it's lights on. Did I send out the typical mass email like everyone else does, confident that providing notice is effective to saving a battery? No, I did not. I walked up to the car like I owned it, opened the front door, leaned inside, and turned the headlights off.

Has this option never occurred to anyone? It's pretty simple, you'd think all the LSAT acers at my school would have figured it out. Sure there's some locked doors out there, but not that many.

Here's what I think happens

Law Student: Maybe I should turn this guy's lights off for him. Would that be criminal trespass? Civil trespass? What if he has a spring-loaded gun like in Katko v. Briney? Is this car an attractive nuisance? I don't have a statute book or my torts outline handy so I'd better just send another mass email.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Random Rant #3

You know what really grinds my gears? Attendance policies.

If you are lucky enough to attend a school that has moved beyond this draconian practice, I envy you greatly. You were smart enough to choose a law school that thinks of its students as slightly more advanced than the average high schooler, and thus does not mandate where to be and when to be there. I, however, did not choose wisely and thus I have experienced two plus years of hand holding and coddling, threats idle and real, and forced attendance in classes which I frankly don't care one bit about.

My school gives a stock reason for enforcing an attendance policy: The ABA mandates it. I did some checking, and their story doesn't quite add up:

Students are required to attend classes regularly. Unless otherwise stated at the beginning of the course, a student missing more than fifteen percent of the class sessions for any reason (including participation in law school sponsored events) will be considered to have failed to attend classes regularly. [ABA Standard 304(e); October 2, 1974, and September 12, 1978.]

Putting on my Scalia hat for a second here, that is not a mandate, it is a suggestion. The plain meaning of "unless otherwise stated..." indicates to me that the policy is not a requirement, but rather, a guideline. "Attend class regularly" can mean different things to different people. Schools do not need to adhere to this policy, and many do not. I have spoken to law students from all over the map, 1st tier through 4th tier, East Coast, West Coast, North, South, and even those weird non-ABA schools in California, and many, many schools do not enforce attendance. So why does mine?

"We are trying to raise our profile amongst law schools"

Okay, fair enough. But if all the best schools do not enforce attendance, how does having required attendance raise our profile? If you want to be one of the big boys, act like it. You don't dress for the job you have; you dress for the job you want to have. Treating 22-60 year olds like children and telling them they have to be in their seats when the bell rings does not make a better law school. Admitting more qualified applicants does.

"The classroom experience is vital to a good legal education"

I disagree. How does my presence in the classroom help anyone? I don't really read for class anymore, so I just stare into space for 50 minutes while other people talk. If called on, I bullshit an answer, and usually get away with it. Even if I don't, I don't sweat it. I have never been the type of student who gets anything out of a lecture, so why should I be required to be there? Come exam time, I study hard (by my standards) and always do better than the curve. So obviously the classroom experience is not vital to succes in law school. Maybe the school thinks it reflects poorly on them if I can do well without being an active participant in class. It doesn't. If they are going to continue to base your grade off of one exam at the end of the semester, they have to realize that everyone learns differently, and they cannot expect everyone to conform to the same standards. If I want to take the scenic route to exams instead of the busy interstate, isn't that my prerogative?

If my school had no attendance policy, it isn't as if I would never go. I would probably skip more than I do now, only because I am allowed only a small number of absences (4 in a two hour course, 6 in a three hour course, and 8 in a four hour course). But I would still go, and depending on the class, I might attend often. But if I choose not to show up, why should my grade be lowered after a certain number of absences? Or, even worse, why should I be disqualified from taking the final if I don't show up to write my name enough times?

I have a theory: My school is ahead of its time. They have found a way to make it's graduates bitter before they even become part of the profession, so that it will be a smoother transition into practice.

Russ summed it up the best: "An attendance policy is like when you treat a kid like he's a bad kid without him doing anything to justify that. 'I know you're a class skipper. Not like little Johnny Harvard'."

Rememberances of Things Past

Speaking of Black 70s TV shows, I was struck with the following memory.

I was raised in Northern Canada. For some reason, 80% of Canada gets all it's American, i.e. good, television programming out the Detroit affiliates. Therefore, even though we lived thousands of miles from a real city with any diversity, all of the daytime syndicated television shows starred African-Americans. I still remember being about 5 years old at the babysitter's watching "The Jeffersons" with all the other kids. Ten blonde heads swaying with the rhytm and blues theme song. Alas, we didn't know that we didn't have soul until someone told us.

For Those Of You Who Think Our Blog Is Immature and Irrelevant

...you're right. But, for some reason we've been linked on an official course website at Bryn Mawr.

We also received a fawning email from a young coed in the class. Well, with great power comes great responsibility, so I had to give those young ladies the following warning.

Ah yes, Bryn Mawr, one of the Seven Sisters. I suggest you stop reading the blog before it ends in the typical heart break.

Radcliffe Rachel: But, Daddy, I love him!

Father: I didn't send you all the way to Massachusetts to end up with one those Barely Legal bloggers from the wrong side of the tracks! If you run off with him, I'll rescind your trust fund

Radcliffe Rachel: We don't need your dirty Wall Street money. I'll take in laundry while he writes down wry observations that always climax with a hilarious punchline.

Father: Dear God, I knew I should have sent you to Mt. Holyoke. At least there I could be confident that you'd end up running an organic produce market with your lesbian partner.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

More Classroom Antics.

Professor: When you have two clients who are a couple but you don't know if they're married or whether they plan to get married, what do you do?

Classmate: Well, I would delineate all the advantages of marriage: larger tax brackets, tenancy in entirety as a default, the ability to act as each other's agent. Then I would outline the disadvantages: joint liability, etc. Then after a fair appraisal of all the legal consequences they could knowledgably tell me whether they want to enter into the contract of marriage or choose to forgo that option all together.

Professor: Russell, what would you say to these clients?

Russ: I'd say, "So, guys, do I hear wedding bells?"