Saturday, December 31, 2005

Bollywood

A friend of my girlfriend and I's is Indian-American and is still pretty in touch with her roots. She tried to shed some light on Indian culture for us by showing us a "Bollywood" movie. I figured why not, I'm Canadian and I'd enlightened dozens of Americans regarding my heritage with the classic, Strange Brew.

"A lot of this is in English, so it'll be easy to follow along," said the friend as she put it in the movie.

Some dialogue was in English but who could follow it with all the bright colors, dancing, and singing which was definitely not in English? Was the guy in the turquoise turban the hero? Were the two gorgeous raven-haired women the same person? How does the guy dancing with the scimitar not cut himself?

Finally, after half an hour of singing and dancing in Hindi, I broke down and asked the obvious question, "Which one of these guys is supposed to be Danny Zucco?"

Friday, December 30, 2005

Rock The Casbah

Scene: Morroccan Restaurant

Girlfriend: Here comes the bellydancer. Do you have any money to tip her with?

Russ: Actually, I always carry a few emergency singles in case a woman starts taking her clothes off.

Girlfriend: Oh yeah? Then how come I've never gotten a dollar out of you?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Reading Recommendations

Well, the holidays are over and you've got two more weeks (or so) to goof off until classes start again (unless you goof off during school like 90% of all law students). As a law student, you're most likely a recreational reader. So, Mike and I thought we could make some reading recommendations.

Russ's Recommendations

1) David Sedaris, Naked. The hilarious tales of a obsessive-compulsive homosexual and his dysfunctional family. Don't worry insecure guys. The gayest thing that he actually describes is his misplaced passion for theatre and performance art.

2) John Kennedy O'Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces. A deluded graduate student annoys everyone he encounters. Surprisingly, he didn't go to law school. A hilarious classic all the same.

3) Charles Bukowski, Post Office. A drunk womanizer details his adventures in the career he squeezed in between benders. If you liked the Kroger Chronicles you'll love this.

Mike's Recommendations

1) TV Guide: From A, A-Team, to Z, Zoolander at 3 am on HBO 4, this little book packs in all the entertainment you'll ever need during break, after break, or between breaks. I've read all the books that Russ recommended, and while I enjoyed them all immensely, nothing beats a Christmas break full of meaningless college bowl games, old, crappy moves, and reruns of TV shows from days gone by.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Not-So-Tiny Tim

I had Christmas dinner this year at a house with 8 adults and one 5 year old kid, Timmy. All the adults sat down for a quiet WASPy Christmas dinner while the poor kid was still wound up from all the earlier Christmas activity. Needless to say, Timmy did not ascribe to England's national child-behavior philosophy of being "seen and not heard."

Adult: Chomsky's 'Manufacturing Consent' is as true today as it was then...

Timmy: Who wants to play with my Robo-Raptor with me?

Adult: Anyways, a capital gains cut would be good for the economy, but at what cost...

Timmy: Can I have some of the chocolate in your stocking?

Finally, Timmy got into one of the Adult's things (a bag of architecture drafting equipment) and came back into the the dining room with a yard stick between his legs. Timmy pointed the yard stick coming out his crotch at all of us and shouted, "Hey guys! Look at my GIANT PENIS!" (emphasis not added)

The table became completely silent. The shocked parents sat there, mouths agape. Grandparents shot dirty looks, sure that the other side was responsible for such behavior. Everyone else sat quietly, loathe to further embarass anyone. Someone needed to pierce this akward silence.

"Timmy, It's not polite to brag," I said.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Be Cool

A little while back, I was driving with a friend of mine and we passed a cop. "Five-O, be cool," I said. My friend looked at me like I was an idiot, and then she said, "Why did you say that?"

I explained that it is an inside joke I have with myself (the best kind, if you ask me). It all goes back to my junior year of high school....

It was the spring of 1997. I was dressed in overpriced Abercrombie clothing, I drove my black Dodge Neon, and I was fully enjoying my high school experience. (If this were a movie, I would start to play some song that captured the mood of the time, like Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind).

My school was the typical public high school in an affluent midwest suburb. You know the kind: 95% white, preppy kids make fun of the goths, and there was never anything exciting going on. So whenever something did transpire, students would turn out in high numbers to see what was happening.

Every day, I drove home my sister, a friend of mine, and a friend of hers. One day, the four of us were walking out the the parking lot when we caught wind of a fight that was to occur in the neighborhood next to the high school in twenty minutes. Of course, we decided to attend.

We drove over to the neighborhood, a typical "nice" development that you could find all over our town. The street was lined with student's cars, and it seemed like we were not the only ones who decided to take in the afternoon's entertainment. We parked and walked down to the yard where hundereds of students were milling around, waiting for the combatants to arrive.

Finally, they did, and everyone formed in a circle around them. After the standard posturing and shit-talking, one guy shoved the other guy, and the fight was on. But almost as quickly as it started, our fun ended. Predictably, one of the scared housewives who lived on this street was a little bit startled by the 200-plus teenagers who had descended upon her neighborhood, and called the police.

The patrol car turned down the street where everyone had gathered, and one member of the audience was the first to see it. "Five-O, be cool!" he shouted.

Upon hearing this, the mass of students who had gathered to watch the fight, my party included, suddenly bolted up the street, back to their parked cars. The whole time, I was laughing hyterically.

Three things struck me as funny about the situation: First, who the fuck says "Five-O"? Was the guy who yelled it trying to be hip, or was he a huge dork and a fan of the 70's cop drama Hawaii Five-O? Either way, I found it to be an odd choice of words.

Second, the reaction of the mob, upon hearing this warning cry, was anything but cool. I am not sure what the guy who yelled was expecting, but I think that 200 students rushing up the street and tearing off in their cars does not fit his defintion of "being cool".

And finally, even if we had acted cool, would that have changed the reaction of the policeman? What would he radio back to the station? "Yeah, this is Officer Johnson responding the the report of a disturbance on Timber Ridge Lane. There seems to be a large group of teenagers gathered here, but they all have their hands in their pockets and are looking around innocently. I don't see a need to check this out any further. Everything seems cool."

Saturday, December 24, 2005

My Name Is Santa And I'm an Alcoholic

Scene: Christmas Eve 1984

6 year old Russ: OK. I have a carrot for Santa's reindeer, some cookies for Santa, and a glass of milk.

Russ's Dad: Why don't you drink that milk, yourself. I think Santa would prefer a beer.

6 year old Russ: Really?

Russ's Dad: He's the one giving you the presents. You want to make him happy, don't you?

6 year old Russ: Good idea. Let's get a beer.

Russ's Dad: Get one for me while you're at it.

Scene: Christmas Day 1984

Russ: Wake up, Dad. Santa came and left a lot of presents. He also drank the beer! He also drank a bunch of your beers and left the bottles all empty on the coffee table. Santa must have been thirsty.

Russ's Dad: (groggily) He sure was....he sure was.

Friday, December 23, 2005

A Christmas Post (of sorts)


Ike, recovering nicely

My holiday break took an unexpected turn this week when my beloved dog Ike came down with pnuemonia. Don't worry, he will be fine, but as part of his treatment, I am supposed to put him in the bathroom and run a very hot bath in order to create a lot of steam, which will help to break up the stuff in his lungs and facilitate a quick recovery.

My gas bill last month was through the roof, and I am supposed to do this for Ike at least twice a day. Since his vet bill already set me back a cool grand, I didn't want to run up this month's gas bill even more by running hot water a few times a day. So I came up with a solution, of sorts. Two times yesterday, I took a very hot shower while Ike sat in the bathroom breathing in the steam. This obviously worked, as he did cough up some junk all over my new bathmat. And when I got out of the shower, my skin was bright red from the hot water.

I didn't quite picture my Christmas as being all mistletoe and eggnog and whatnot, but needless to say, I didn't picture it being scalding showers and dog phlegm either.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

An Appellate Argument Of Sorts

Mike and I have a friend from undergrad who tended to get 'inspired' while drinking. One night, while thoroughly inebriated, he announced that he was going to drive to some girl's house. Everyone told him he was far too wasted to drive and that he would likely get a DUI at the very least.

Our drunk friend stood up and gave this speech with conviction and passion:

Yes, there is a possibility that I will get a DUI. There's always that possability. But, you guys are thinking about this the wrong way. Take the cost of my possible DUI and distribute that cost over every instance I've ever driven drunk or ever will drive drunk and you'll see that the benefit of me driving drunk outweighs the cost in this instance, tonight.

Upon hearing this convoluted reasoning, we all looked at each other, nodded, tackled him, held him down, and took his keys out of his pocket.

And, yes, that drunk guy is now in law school.

And doing very well there, too.

Monday, December 19, 2005

First Day of Winter Break

It's been great. I slept till 11, watched some SportsCenter and played video games after that, went out to lunch, came home and took a little nap, and now I am about to watch a movie.

So yeah, my normal routine hasn't really changed at all.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

More Exam Dress Fun

To the guy who showed up for my 8:30 am, four-hour long evidence exam this morning wearing a suit and tie...I sincerely hope you have a Bar Mitzvah to go to this afternoon.

To the girl who wore a tight sweater and obviously took the time to get up early to do your hair and makeup before the exam...Keep up the good work.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Grandma

Mike is a good grandson. It makes me realize that I haven't done anything nice for my grandma, lately. So, I've decided to make her day and spend $30 getting a membership to MENSA, the elite organization for people who are in the top 2% of the world's IQ distribution or as they humbly call themselves, "geniuses."

Apparently my LSAT score of 163 qualifies me for MENSA membership. If I'm what passes for a genius these days, don't expect any of the world's problems to get solved any time soon.

A membership to MENSA for myself seems like a weird present for a grandmother doesn't it? Maybe I should have stuck to knitting needles or those crystal dishes she likes to put ribbon candy in. But, if you'll look below at what I think will happen you'll realize what a thoughtful grandson I really am.

Scene: A nursing home in Canada

Esther: What's that you've got there?

Russ's Grandma: A card from my grandson...THE GENIUS!

Esther: That reminds me, my son the doctor will be visiting this weekend.

Russ's Grandma: Reminds you? Why is he a genius, too?

Esther: Well, I'm sure he is. He's a doctor!

Russ's Grandma: Well if he was a genius, I'm sure he'd be smart enough to get his genius certified like my Russell did.

Esther: Bah! Every since you got that "World's Greatest Grandma" T-shirt you've been qualifying everything.

Now, don't you all go out getting MENSA memberships this holiday season to please your grandmothers. If you want to make her happy, tell her what she really wants to hear, "I switched to Medical School and am going to marry a person of (insert Grandma's ethnicity) descent."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I Swear...

...I am going to shoot the next person who sends me a link to that ridiculous evidence movie about hearsay. It is the dumbest thing I have ever seen and I am almost positive that my grade will be lower because I watched it. And yes, I fully realize that this post may be admissible at my trial for that shooting under several rules of evidence, most likely as a "state of mind exception" under 803(3).


Jesus, I feel like a nerd right now.

All These Things That I've Done

I have one exam left to take, coming up this Saturday, in Evidence. Like most other classes I have taken in law school, I am faced with an impending exam and only have a very shaky grasp of the material. But I'm not too worried. Like with all of my other exams, I have a good outline from someone who took it last year, and a few days to learn the material. This combination always seems to land me somewhere above the curve.

Unfortunately, this approach doesn't really leave me with much knowledge about the material once the class is over. It is sort of a bulimic method of exam taking. I binge all the information right before the exam, and then purge it out during the exam. But unlike a bulimic, a little bit of information from each class stays with me. What I remember from particular courses is random and often useless.

This got me to thinking...I see all of the 1Ls so worried about their exams, trying to know every little detail, and I realize that I have retained next to nothing from my 1L year. It is supposedly the hardest year of law school, and what I recall about it is so fuzzy that it seems like a huge waste to me. So without further ado (and to delay my looming binge of the Federal Rules of Evidence), here is what I can recall from my first year courses:

* Torts- I could probably make a prima facie case for negligence, so long as there weren't any tricky issues. (Duty, breach, actual cause, proximate cause, damages)...Also, I remember the case Hackbart vs. Cincinnati Bengals, which I think illustrated the rule that people playing a particular sport assume the risks inherent in the normal context of that sport, but not risks that go beyond that. See, I told you it was random.

* Property- For some reason, property is a huge haze for me. All I remember are a few of those estates with needlessly complicated names, that there is a strong public policy against perpetuities, and that possession is 9/10ths of the law (although I knew that coming in, so I don't know if that counts.)

* Civ Pro- Civ Pro was the bane of my existence. I don't know anything about the actual rules of procedure (except for Rule 56, Summary Judgment, but that is because I worked for a judge and all I did was read SJ motions...and I am not even sure that it is rule 56). For jurisdiction, I remember silly case names like International Shoe, and Pennoyer vs. Neff, but I couldn't begin to tell you what they were about. I also remember phrases such as "minimum contacts" and "long-arm statute" and "in rem", but I couldn't give you a solid explanation of them.

* Con Law- Con Law was from 10:00-10:50, MWF. Our Con Law professor used to show up a few minutes late, take a few more minutes to take attendance, and then keep us until 10:58, despite the fact that we had Civ Pro at 11. Our Civ Pro prof used to come into the room at like 10:54, give him a death stare, which he would ignore until he stopped talking. Also, the 14th Amendment applies the Bill of Rights to the states, or something like that.

* Contracts- Of all the classes I took my first year, I remember the most about contracts. A valid contract includes an offer, acceptance, and consideration. There is stuff about it being a promise for a promise, or a promise for performance, etc. And it must be a "meeting of the minds", or something. Damages are hazy, except that the goal is to put the injured party in a position as if the contract had been performed. And I remember the Shirley McLain case, something about mitigating damages and the work you accept must be substantially similar...God, I am boring myself.

* Legislation- We had to take a silly course about statutory interpretation and what not. It was really boring, and I tuned out most of the time. I don't remember what we talked about, what we covered, what kind of cases we read, or really, where I even sat in the room. All I recall is this little tidbit of trivia that our professor gave to us: Learned Hand is considered by many to be the greatest judicial mind never to sit on the Supreme Court. Him, and Harriet Miers.

Okay, that's it, I need to go start to learn evidence, so that in two years I will be able to tell you that an excited utterance is an exception to the hearsay rule.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Dana

In college, I earned my spending money working as a cook at an Italian “restaurant” (It was really just a place where you can get Spaghetti to go). Despite the restaurant being right across from my college, I was the only college student working there. The employer, in his infinite wisdom, preferred to hire people on work-release. Work-release is a program whereby people who would otherwise be finishing a prison sentence are released into a halfway house and work 12 hours a day at crummy jobs like mine. If they screw up at work then it’s back to prison. So, when the employer asks the almost-prisoner to take out the garbage, stay late, or sleep with him, they usually happily comply.

Needless to say, this made for a motley crew of coworkers. I would dread having to train the new hires. It would either be a white supremacist who thought we were best friends until he saw me hanging out with the Black employees or it would be a recovering heroine addict shaking like a leaf and starring into a horizon that wasn’t there. I was never scared, though. These guys were always happy to be working because, as I was told, “The best day on the inside is still worse than the worst day on the outside.”

Then one day, I was assigned to train Dana. Dana, despite having a girl’s name, was a 6’7” 320 lbs man who had spent the previous night in a prison cell. I gingerly showed him how to do his job only to have him bark at me, “I know what I’m doing, man.” I didn’t care what my coworkers thought of me but, for obvious reasons, I wanted to stay on Dana’s good side.

Later that day, my girlfriend-at-the-time (who looked like the girl on the Swiss Miss cocoa packets) drove up to the restaurant in every 19 year old girl’s favorite car, a Pontiac Sunfire. Dana saw me talk with her and then came up to me and said, “Hey man, I like your taste in cars and I like your taste in women, too. You're cool.” After being recognized as a man of good, if pedestrian, taste, I was Dana’s best friend.

Being Dana’s coworker was great! It was like being Mike Tyson’s little brother. I could do or say anything I wanted and Dana would always have my back. For example, the waitresses were always clucking and complaining to us about their orders, ignoring my pleas for patience. Dana, being a man of eloquence, explained it to them by leaning forward, flexing his powerful arms, sticking out his muscled neck, and roaring! Those waitresses were suddenly filled with a new spirit of understanding thanks to Dana’s visible passion for his job.

Dana wasn't always gruff with the ladies. Usually he was a ladies man, always happy to let a new female employee know that “that must be jelly 'cuz jam don’t shake like that.”

Then one day Dana disappeared. I asked what happened to him and the supervisor said, “He’s in the hospital. His old lady took a bat to him when she caught him fooling around.” I felt awful. I had lost my coworker and my friend but most of all I was terrified knowing that there was a woman on the loose out there who could put Dana in the hospital.

Dana, underneath that giant physique and vicious snarl you were a great friend. If you ever need legal advice (and I’m sure you do) I will always be happy to help.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

What I Say, What I Mean

I just talked to my grandmother on the phone. She is old, and her health isn't great, and when she talkes to her grandchildren, she likes to hear good news. So when I talk to her, I try to stay positive and upbeat, no matter what. Here is how our conversation went.

Grandma: Hello Michael, how is my favorite law student?
Me: Couldn't be better. Just finished my fourth exam this morning, have one more Saturday.
Translation: I could be a lot better. A Saturday exam? Are you kidding me? Ridiculous.

Grandma: Four exams already? My you must have been busy these last few weeks.
Me: Oh yeah, it keeps me really busy.
Translation: I have spent a total of four hours studying since exams started, and that is a liberal estimate. By busy, I mean I have played two full seasons of NCAA Football 2006, watched numerous shows I saved on my Tivo, and spent hours chatting with adoring fans over IM.

Grandma: Did you take any interesting classes?
Me: Oh yeah, they are all interesting in one way or another.
Translation: I have never been more bored with something in my entire life. I would rather spend all my time watching vacation movies of people I have never met than take the classes I had this semester.

Grandma: Well that's wonderful. All A's this term?
Me: Hahaha, we'll have to see.
Translation: Don't hold your breath.

Grandma: I know you can do it. So do you know what you want to do after you graduate? Any prospects?
Me: A few, I have to see about a few things, figure some stuff out.
Transation: I have no idea. All I know is that I am not taking the bar this summer and I do not want to be an attorney. You'd think in this world, that would be a plus, but I guess not.

Grandma: Michael, you are a smart boy, you can do whatever you want.
Me: I know, it'll all work out just fine.
Translation: I know, it'll all work out just fine.

Grandma: I'll let you go now, I am sure you have a lot of work to do.
Me: Yeah, a few things.
Translation: The Simpsons Season 7 DVD just got here...I preordered it two months ago. I want to start watching.

Grandma: Okay, don't let me keep you...If you get a chance, you should come down and shovel your parent's driveway. They are so busy and never got to it.
Me: I'll try and squeeze it in.
Translation: Fat chance.

Grandma: You are such a sweet boy...Bye dear.
Me: Bye.
Translation: Now I feel guilty...But nothing that some chicken wings and Simpsons episodes with writer's commentary can't fix.

Contest Winners

We had a pretty good response to our exam story contest, so much so that it is hard picking just one winner, since exam freak outs are so funny. No one topped the torts guy, but that's okay, I didn't expect anyone to. That being said, quality writing is the key to an entertaining story almost as much as the underlying story is. The winner of the contest, as you'll see in a bit, wrote her story better than anyone else did. With the torts story, I rewrote that to get the full comic effect, but I don't feel like doing that for all these stories. So I'll just give you my very brief synopsis of the six runners up, and then the winner, as it was sent to us.

#6- Worried 1L gunner brings his laptop to read on the toilet.

#5- Two girls left crying after Contracts prof tells class he is not afraid to fail anyone.

#4- Girl attempts to take a seat during exams, 'Seat Nazi' freaks out, saying he has the perfect set up and she will ruin it.

#3- 1L in men's bathroom after exam, vomiting all over self

#2- 3L asks prof for assurance that everything will be okay, mutters "she said it will be okay" over and over after getting assurance.

#1- 1L girl strung out on stimulants soils self during exam, does not leave to clean up, to dismay of fellow test-takers.

And the winner is from a reader named Courtney...

I was at the library circulation desk the other day (getting copy of Examples and Explanations for Agency law), and a particular 3L was there waiting to reserve a study room...I hadn't been there early enough to hear the beginning of the conversation, but the circulation lady told him that he looks like Paul Reiser

He slammed the book closed, looked at her and screamed, "I hate it when people say that. Now I'm going to fail all my exams!", and then he stormed off. The circulation desk lady just sat there stunned for about five minutes before she managed to find the book for me. I heard what she said, and she definitely meant it as a compliment.

I don't know that it beats the torts story but I find it funny for two reasons:

1) what the hell does looking like some famous person have to do with law school finals? and 2) THIS GUY IS A 3L!! Tantrums and storming off are only for 1Ls...

Good work, Courtney. You win a limited-expenses paid trip to come hang out with me for a weekend, where we will eat BW3, drink Miller High Life and have a few romantic "misunderstandings", as we talk and laugh about law school and life.

Monday, December 12, 2005

More IM Encouragement for Sarah

Today, Sarah (http://www.camelnose.blogspot.com/) needed some more words of wisdom...

Sarah: I need another pep talk

barelylegalblog: What exam?

Sarah: Property...

barelylegalblog: Okay Sarah, you are going to walk into that exam and be a little Fonzie...And what is Fonzie like?

Sarah: Cool

barelylegalblog: Exactamundo....You are going to go into that exam and be cool. You are going to nail all those crazy estates. Then, like me, you are going to forget all about them. But for those three hours, you are going to be the Leather Tuscadero of property.

Sarah: Will I get an A?

barelylegalblog: Heyyyyyyy!!!!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Reassurance From A Reader

At this stage of finals some of you may have some concerns about how you did or how you're going to. Hang in there, guys. A reader sent in her "through the looking glass" moment that I hope will cheer some of you up.

I'm a 2L which means I've stopped worrying about finals. My grades are mediocre on a good day and I've come to relish my mediocraty. It means I'm not a complete maniac that spends all my time studying. My first year, however, I was very freaked out. But luckily, a rather sage 2L gave me the following advice.

2L: "Why are you so stressed out"

me: "Because I need to get good grades"

2L: "Listen, my dad's an attorney and when I was a 1L and got shitty grades he sat me down and said 'son, even shitty attorneys make a lot of money'"

Ever since that pep talk, I've been a new woman.

If anyone else has any encouraging humorous words for this rough last week of finals, forward them to us and we may share.

(Mike's Response: While some shitty attorney's make a lot of money, shitty law students don't. Just remember, Legal Aid will start you off around $35k -- Unless you have your daddy to give you a job and continue the family tradition of being a shitty attorney.)

I'm Beginning To Regret This IM thing

Reader: I have a post idea. How about a comparison between terms for law school (2L) and Dungeons and Dragons (Level 2 wizard)...seems like an area with potential humor.

blblogruss: I'm going to have to politely decline. At least half of our audience is women and the other half is guys like us. Women avoid people who are familiar with dungeons and dragons and guys like us tease them. I'm sure your high school years can attest to both of these points.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Need an encouraging word? IM Mike

Sarah: I am nervous about my exam...give me some encouraging words

Barelylegalblog: Good luck

Sarah: Thanks, how inspiring...come on, you can do better than that.

Barelylegalblog: Sarah, you are a smart, beautiful woman who is going to go in there today, bend that exam over the desk and fuck it in the ass. Then, once you have successfully made that contracts exam your bitch, you will rejoice and drink champagne from the skulls of your enemies.

Sarah: I literally do not know how to respond to that. I am speechless.

Guest Blogger: Norm

"Chocolate chip poundcake? Don't get too comfortable."

-Doug Heffernan on "The King of Queens" while putting away the groceries.


I'm sitting here watching a TV commercial for a mail order catalog called "King Size." It's a fat man catalog. At first glance I thought, 'Wow, this is pretty cool. Maybe I should get this and get some new clothes. Now I know they have big and tall shops, but that would mean actually going shopping. And with a catalog I wouldn't have to get off the couch.'

The commercial continued explaining how they had sizes 1XL through 10XL. That's when the tide turned for me. All I could think about was how ridiculous size 10XL was. What kind of person needs clothes that big? I mean, talk about letting yourself go! My 2XL is practically svelte in comparison. This commercial is trying to lump me together with 10X fat people. How dare they! I'm have the build of a dancer compared to these people who probably have to wash themselves with a rag on a stick!

The moral of the story, you never have to accept your faults as long as you hang out with others who have the same faults; and you can even feel good about yourself if you hang out with people whose faults are worse than yours.

Now where'd I leave that summer sausage?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Contest #3

As we all know, exams bring out the best (and by best, I mean worst) in people. They do and say crazy things. They freak out. In short, they entertain the rest of us. Send us the best stories of freak-outs or any other exam hijinks to barelylegalblog@gmail.com. I doubt any story will beat this one, but that doesn't mean you can't try. We will post the best story. Of course, you may remain anonymous.

More Studying Tips

1Ls are so funny. They never quite know what to study for, so they gauge their preparedness on the amount of time that other people study. One reader IMed me yesterday, not quite freaking out but not exactly calm, saying that he felt ready for his exam but was worried because he saw other people still studying. I told him not to worry about what other people do, and that if he feels like he did enough, then he is good to go.

The larger point to be taken from this is that worrying about what other people do is a bad idea come exam time. Look at it this way: Just because someone loses 10 pounds eating only cabbage soup doesn't mean that that is the only diet that works. If you made it to law school, you must have some sort of intelligence at some level. Use it. If you feel prepared, then you are. If you feel unprepared, keep studying. But make sure you really feel unprepared, not just unprepared in relation to your classmates. Trust your gut.

So without further ado, here are Barely Legal's real studying tips:

1) Study alone.
2) If your outline sucks, get someone who has a better one to give your theirs.
3) You are better off knowing the basic concepts really well than trying to memorize every bit of minutiae. That can only serve to confuse you.
4) Do old exam problems.
5) Commercial outlines are your friend.
6) Do not, under any circumstances, stay up all night studying when your exam is in the morning. You are better off getting the sleep than going over it one more time.
7) If you are too hopped up on adderall to sleep, balance it out with Tylenol PM.
8) Change your clothes regularly, especially underwear.

If you follow these studying tips, we guarantee that you will do extremely well on the exam. (Note: Not a guarantee)

But if your exams don't work out the way you wanted them to, I'll give you the reassuring advice that Brett From Blafayette's mother gave him right before he had a big job interview: "Just remember, not everyone can be the Chief. Someone has to be the Indian."

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

One Hit Wonders

Not too long ago a friend of mine sent me an excited text message: "ME AND ALLIE ARE AT THE BAR AND STROKE 9 IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!"

My response was: "Who the fuck is Stroke 9?"

She she called me, and in the way that only drunk girls can, starting singing: This is the story of a girl...(unintelligible)....I absolutely love her....WHEN SHE SMILES!!!!!!

Their off-key singing, as bad as it was, refreshed my memory of the song, called Absolutely (Story of a Girl), a pop-rock song that seemed to be a hit back in 2000. Then she went on to tell me that her friend, back during their heyday, had met the band and they sung their hit song to her personally, and that she got autographed CDs and even some drumsticks. Her friend was telling the band all about it, hoping to refresh their memory. "But they don't seem to know what she's talking about", my friend told me.

Astute followers of pop music have likely already recognized the problem... Stroke 9 did not sing that song. That song was done by the band Nine Days. Stroke 9 had a hit around the same time period called 'Little Black Backpack'. Her friend, due to several apple-tinis and the hodgepodge of mediocre "rock" bands in the late 90's/early 2000's, had heard the word "nine" and confused Stroke 9 with the band who once sung their hit to her. I learned all this when I googled Stroke 9.

I thought about telling my friend about their mistake, but I decided to see how it played out. The next day, she called me and I asked how Stroke 9 was. "Good", she replied, sheepishly. "We kept talking to them and Allie started singing their song. They got all offended and told us that that wasn't their song and that we were thinking of the wrong band. Then they left."

Several minutes later, after I stopped laughing, I reassured her. "Those guys are idiots. It probably isn't everyday that two hot girls want to hang out with them in a bar."

"Yeah, you're probably right", she said. "Plus they acted all creepy, like they thought we were going to go blow them in the tour bus, which WAS NOT going to happen....Okay, I have to run, I'm meeting Allie for lunch."

"Have fun", I replied. "Maybe if you're lucky you'll run into Harvey Danger."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Under Pressure

This past weekend, a loyal reader relayed this story to me about something that happened during his Torts review session. It immediately struck me as hilarious, but I wasn't sure if I should post it on the blog. I thought it over, and then I realized that this is too funny not to post. If nothing else, it'll help all you 1Ls feel better about yourselves.

We were in our review session for torts and this guy was completely lost. Let me just say now, this guy seemed to have his shit together. He is very much a type-A personality, the kind of guy you would think can handle pressure well. We never would have expected this from him. Anyway, during this review session, he just didn't get intent. For example, he thought that if you accidently hit somebody with your car you are liable because you intended to be driving your car. Like I said, he was lost. He kept asking the professor to clarify, and things began to get a little bit heated between them. They went back and forth for a few minutes, when finally, the guy, out of frustration, said, "Just tell me what you expect me to know for the exam."

The professor looked at him, and flatly said, "I expect you to know the law of torts."

What happened next was one of the most shocking things I have ever seen. The guy heard the professor's response and exploded. "Fuck you, man!", he shouted, and then he burst into tears.

And these weren't small tears. This was loud sobbing. The entire class, 90+ people, sat there in silence as he sobbed. And here is the craziest thing: The guy didn't get up and run out. He sat there weeping for the next ten minutes while the professor continued the review. Needless to say, no one heard anything the professor said for the rest of the period. We all sat there trying not to laugh at the ridiculous and almost unbelievable spectacle before us. After it was over, he wiped his tears away, packed up his stuff and trudged up to the libray like nothing happened.

A couple of thoughts upon hearing this story: First off....torts? Are you serious? We said it before, but torts is the gym class of law school. It doesn't get any easier than torts. Advice for all you 1Ls: If you struggle with torts, just end it now. Go to film school or something. Second... intent? You are stuck on intent? That's like the first day of class. Sticking with the gym class analogy, intent is like the easy activity they give the fat kid with asthma while everyone else runs laps.

As a final thought, I'd like to say that I hope our friend Weepy overcomes his struggles and achieves success in the legal field. Who knows, maybe Rehnquist burst into tears during his torts review session. One thing is certain though: Even if Weepy become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, those 90 people in his class will remember him only has the guy who started bawling during torts.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Why You Are Asking Me, I'm Not Sure...

A fair number of desperate 1Ls have IMed me and requested advice on preparing for and taking exams. The fact that they are asking me for advice in fact proves their desperation. However, given the sheer number of people who have asked, I'll give it a shot.

The best advice about taking exams that I can give is: Be sure and write down your exam number and bring it with you. The first exam I ever took in law school was property. Like all of you 1Ls, I was understandably nervous. I thoroughly prepared for the exam (by using someone else's outline, of course). I brought two pens to use in case I needed to make notes. I brought a bottle of water and a granola bar. I dressed comfortably. And I arrived early to make sure the exam taking software loaded properly. I was the epitome of a well-prepared and focused law student.

I started the exam software (which, if you aren't aware, shuts down all other programs on the computer and makes them inaccessible). I was all set to take the exam when it prompted me for my exam number. Suddenly a wave of panic came over me as I realized that I had not looked at my exam number since it was emailed to me the week before. I sat frozen for a second, trying to figure out what to do. Finally, I went up to the proctor (who was one of the members of the school's administration) and asked if she had the exam numbers handy. She gave me a look like I had asked her if I could take a dump on her desk. Then I asked if I could go up to the computer lab and check my email, and she gave me a very stern "No". I asked what I should do, since I couldn't remember my exam number. In the typical helpful fashion of law school administrators everywhere, she said, "I don't know, but if you don't put the right one down, you'll fail."

I went back to my seat and contemplated what to do. Most of my classmates had already begun writing, and I still hadn't opened the exam. I began to think of what my exam number was. I tried to picture the email in my head. I could remember that the first two numbers were 77. But the last two numbers kept giving me fits. I was sure that the last two numbers were zero and four, but in what order. Was is 7740? Or 7704? I went back and forth for a few minutes, before finally settling on 7704.

I began taking the exam, fifteen minutes after everyone else did. I did the first essay just fine, before doubt started to creep into my head. "Was it really 7704? Are you sure it wasn't 7740?" I went back and forth all through the second (of five) essays. By the time I had finished the third one I had convinced myself that the number was actually 7740. I thought briefly of trying to change it, but I realized that was impossible. I went ahead and finished the exam, all the while going back and forth as to what my real exam number was. The proctor told us to stop, and I did. I saved my exam to the disk and turned it in. I told her I wasn't sure if I had the right number, and she provided no advice at all as to what I should do. So then rushed up to the computer lab to check and see if I had the right exam number. I opened that email, and, almost afraid to look, saw 7704 staring at me. I was immediately relieved and had learned a valuable lesson.

For the rest of my exams, I showed up with a big fat 7704 written on my hand with a sharpie. The moral of the story is: Law school administrators are assholes who don't have the best interests of the students in mind.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Recent Exchange

Russ: The Bears won again.

Me: So what? The Bears suck, they just beat teams slightly worse than they are.

Russ: Kind of like you at that crappy law school?

Me: Touche, Russ...Touche.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Archived Exam Stuff

Last May we posted a fair amount of stuff about exams...we plan on posting new stuff this exam period, but before that, here are the links to all of our old exam posts. Enjoy.

Exam Characters

The Possum... The Braggart...Smugman...The Freak Out...3Lian Gonzalez

Observations

Exam Dress and Follow Up...Last Minute Studying...Tabs

Friday, December 02, 2005

Radio is a Sound Salvation

I was flipping through the radio dial yesterday and came upon a radio station that was kind of hip and funky: Neo Soul and Indie Rock, mostly. Then, at a commercial, the announcer said "This the WKKU, (my large univerisity)'s student-run radio."

I thought to myself, 'That makes sense.'

Then I flipped again and found a good 80s "Monster Rock" station: Poison, Def Leopard, even Mr. Big made an appearance. Then, during the segue to commercial I heard, "Thanks for listening to WKCC, Madison County's Community College Radio Station!"

I thought to myself, 'Hmmm. That also makes sense.'

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Applause

We have received several IMs/emails from 1Ls about the tradition of applauding your professor after the last class period. Then, lo and behold, today, when I was waiting to go into my class, the class of 1Ls before me broke into applause at the end of class. The only time I can recall applauding at my school was at the end of Contracts my first year. As it happened, I sat there in a stunned silence at the absurdity of the situation.

What if someone gave him a bouquet of roses or started throwing panties or hotel room keys at him? What would happen if people started shouting encore? What if he pretended to faint, and a TA came and covered him in a robe, only to have the professor stand up and throw off the robe to an even more thunderous ovation, a la James Brown?

If I was a professor, I would end the semester by throwing down one of those smoke bombs magicians use and then just disappear, leaving only the cryptic message on the blackboard: "My exam office hours are from 3 to 5".

Random Email Rant of the Week

We get lots of emails from readers (barelylegalblog@gmail.com, if you care to be one of them), and lots of times they suggest a post that we should do. Most of the time, the idea is terrible, or it is something we have already done in one form or another. But today we received an email from a young lady suggesting a post about how finals make you feel. What I like is how the email starts off (relatively) normal but quickly descends into a sort of stream-of-consciousness madness that only law school finals can bring about. I am afraid that this reader is now curled up in the fetal position after cutting her own face out of all her family photos.

In preparation of finals... I think your site needs a blog to remind students that they are not alone.. and everyone is fucking miserable right now.....

Something perhaps like.... why finals basically just fucking suck.
Don't forget to mention the fact that you haven't listened all semester.. maybe even haven't opened a book, have procrastinated doing your own outlines.. you said you would do them over Thanksgiving.. yeahhhhhh that didn't happen. It's now 2 weeks to go.. your teachers insist on rambling on at warp speed.. leaving you very lost.. and ready to have your head explode at the end of an hour and 40 minutes going on a 7 hour class..or it feels like seven hours. You just really really really don't want to study. You don't care. It doesn't matter anyway. Your gpa is already in the toilet so what's the point. You go to the winner of the "why my law school sucks contest".. .aka NYLS... and your school sucks anyway.. so even if you do well.. you still aren't getting a job.... every student.. who you already hate... becomes even moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee annoying...... did you outline.. did you do every single practice exam yet.. for the past 10 years.. oh you didnt? I did!!! Haha... I will beat you!!! Haha...
Damn lunatics....


Umm...in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, good luck with all that.