Saturday, April 29, 2006

Regulators, Mount Up!

Before it even began, I knew today was going to be a good day. First, I completed my last ever in-class final exam yesterday, leaving only a six-hour take home standing between myself and the end of law school. Second, today is the NFL Draft, which I plan on watching in full. And as if it couldn't get any better, just now, when I went out to run a quick errand, the greatest rap song ever produced was on my car radio. Of course, I am talking about Regulate, by Nate Dogg and Warren G.

When listening to the radio edited lyrics, I noticed something that I never had before. During Nate Dogg's imfamous line, there was an edit. Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole, Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn [edit]. What? They edited the word "cold"? What is this world coming to?

I know what the radio people were thinking. "Making bodies turn cold? Why, that's murder! We can't have him talking about killing people on our airwaves! Sure, Eminem and Nate Dogg can talk all they want about bitches liking it from behind in their new song. But Nate Dogg turning bodies cold? That's where we draw the line!"

But listening to the song, I ask you, isn't the murder justified? It was self-defense. If I remember my criminal law correctly, an intervenor stands in the shoes of the party on whose behalf the intervention takes place. Warren G was getting jacked. His wealth was being taken from him, including his Rolex. He had guns to his head, and despite not believing this was happening in his own town, he believed he was going down. Warren was being threatened with deadly force, and thus was entitled to use deadly force to defend himself.

Nate Dogg was the intervenor. He came across the scene just in time. Warren G was contemplating that if he had wings he would fly, when who should appear in the cut, but his homey Nate. Nate then stepped into Warren's shoes, so to speak, and made some bodies turn cold. His killings were clearly self-defense, and therefore justified. I believe it is in the public interest to have the defense of others remain a viable option, and we should start by unediting that part of the song. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm switching my mind back in to freak mode.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Bad Reason for Attending Law School # 8

"I want to make a lot of money"

A common lament among law students is "I'm not good at math. That's why I went to law school." This must be true, because many law students also believe that being a lawyer will make them rich. In the best case scenario, $125,000 / 80 hours a week / 50 weeks a year is a little over $31 an hour, or roughly what a unionized plumber makes. And a plumber doesn't have to pay for his own suits.

Sure, some attorneys will become wealthy through their legal talents. Many will break into the upper middle class thanks to this profession's inflated billing tradition. But that presumes you get a big firm job, which, if you haven't figured out, are quite competitive, and not always the most pleasant of work enviornments. Most, however, will start their careers making the same salary that a competent manager would. The only difference between that competent manager and the beginning attorney is that the competent manager can sleep under the object of his $150,000 debt. Try doing that with just a diploma.

To be fair, many law students take a pragmatic approach to their future careers. They saw the writing on the wall after they got their first semester grades. But some can only see dollar signs. They think their top 25% ranking and spot on the moot court is going to be a ticket to the country club lifestyle, complete with a lake house and matching chocolate labs.

I can't help but be reminded of that kid in high school who was actually athletically gifted and would talk about his college scholarships and his plans to be in the pros and the riches that would follow. The rest of us in high school knew that his chances were slim, but he was convinced. Last year I had the pleasure of meeting him again as he tore my ticket stub when I went to see "The 40 Year Old Virgin." Perhaps in 10 years I'll have the pleasure of paying one of you $99 for a fill-in-the-blank will.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Three Lingering Questions About Exams

1. Why do people get there so early? The other day, I had an exam at 8:30 in the morning. I left my apartment at ten till 8, and by 8:05, I was walking into the building, kicking myself for leaving too early. I went into the exam room, and the place was nearly full. From the looks of things, I was one of the last ones there. I wouldn’t be surprised if some people had been there since 7:00. Why were they there so early? It wasn’t the Criminal Procedure exam/Line for Death Cab tickets. Getting to your seat early doesn’t ensure a better grade. If it did, there'd be a guy in sunglasses standing outside saying, "A's. I need two A's. Front row, right by the proctor."

2. Why do people wear earplugs? The exam started, and I looked around the room to see half of the people in there wearing earplugs. Why? It isn’t as if a construction crew was in the adjacent room, tearing down the walls with a sledgehammer. The exam wasn’t being administered in a kennel. There wasn’t a large Italian man asleep the chair next to you, vibrating the room with his snores. At worst, the room is filled with the quiet, almost soothing clacking of keyboards. I have to think that any benefit received from slightly muffling the sounds around you would be offset by the annoyance of having a malleable plastic compound jammed in your ear canal.

3. Why does anyone handwrite their exam? This is one thing I’ve never understood. Why do people shun a technological advancement that is, without a doubt, a marked improvement over the alternative. They don’t do this in other walks of life. No one rode a horse to school that morning. Nobody went outside and pissed into a hole in the ground when they took a bathroom break. No one cooked a can of beans over a fire for breakfast. So why not just use your laptop and type the exam? My hand is sore after writing out four checks in a row to pay my monthly bills. People must be in agony after writing out five essays. Perhaps they cannot fully feel that they earned their grade unless they experienced some physical agony to achieve it. The rest of us are fully satisfied with the mental agony of law school. That should be enough for them too.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Real Life Law & Order

Law & Order episodes all follow the same basic formula: A crime is committed, some clues are found, the detectives come up with the names of a few people they’d like to speak to, and they go out to find those people. Generally, one person they speak to is a witness, one person they speak to is the future defendant, and one person is a red herring, designed to throw the audience off.

Something always bothers me about these interviews. If they talk to the person out in the real world, as opposed to at the station, the person never seems overly concerned about the fact that two homicide/special victims detective are talking to them. They go about their business, looking at blueprints, bussing tables, or making copies, every so often shouting out instructions to an off-screen employee or stop to fix something amiss. Then, after a few questions, they cut the conversation short by saying “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have customers to attend to,” or “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a business to run,” or perhaps, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting to get to.” The detectives leave, but not without dropping a witty parting line.

I always wondered if this was realistic. Do people routinely treat detectives investigating their involvement in a serious felony like a minor annoyance that they can dismiss when they are bored? Well, the other day, I found out. I was cleaning my kitchen when there was a loud knock at my door. I looked through the peephole to see a uniformed officer and another guy. I opened it up, and the other guy introduced himself as a detective, and wanted to ask me a few questions. I invited them in, and continued scrubbing my counter. After a few moments, I became bored and said “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run the vacuum.” They left, and the detective said, “For both our sakes, I hope your sink's as clean as your conscience.”

Actually, it didn’t happen that way at all. I opened the door and stepped out into the hall. They introduced themselves, and asked if I knew a guy who lives in my building. I told them that I didn’t know who he was. They thanked me and knocked on another door. I went back inside and continued my cleaning. My encounter was neither interesting nor anything like on TV. I am convinced, however, that I was just the red herring designed to throw the audience off.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Bad Reason For Attending Law School #7

I want to make a difference in this world

Perhaps more than any other profession, the legal world has been done a great disservice by television and movies and books. They like to portray a principled attorney representing the falsely accused or victims of injustice, or prosecuting a seemingly impossible case. All the odds are stacked against them, but after a dramatic courtroom scene ending with a stirring closing argument, the jury returns a verdict in their favor, while the client rejoices and the opposing party looks on in stunned disbelief. They cut to a shot of the victorious attorney, who has a look on his or her face of relieved confidence, happy that his or her unwavering belief in their cause prevailed in the end, and justice was served.

Unfortunately, the real legal world doesn’t work this way. Far too many bright-eyed, optimistic young men and women walk away with their undergraduate degree hand, and a vague notion in mind that they will become a lawyer and make a difference. I hate to sound so morose, but I’m here to tell you that if you think you can make a difference, you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment.

Let me say right now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to help people. It’s a noble pursuit, and speaks volumes about your character. But if you want to help people, you have to approach it with a realist’s point of view. Sometimes innocent people go to jail. Sometimes guilty people walk away free. Hours upon hours of time spent trying to get a poor woman custody of her kids will be wasted when she goes back to her abusive husband. And the little man doesn’t always get his day in court, because the big guys have teams of lawyers to keep that from happening. There is a whole set of rules in place to keep you from making a difference. It’s called “Civil Procedure”.

Far too many people who want to make a difference when they enter this profession end up getting disillusioned and either quit altogether, or even worse, go over to the dark side, where instead of helping poor people find fair housing, they help giant insurance companies not have to play claims for negligent acts. There’s a fine line between working for legal aid and appearing on the back of a phone book, but they are worlds apart. Many young attorneys start off in column A, only to end up in column B. If you don’t fully understand what you are getting yourself into by becoming a public interest lawyer, you are setting yourself up for a major disappointment. Public interest law doesn’t pay all that well, so your resolve had better be strong. And unless you don’t have any loans to pay off or are independently wealthy, at some point economics is going to catch up to you.

Life isn’t like a novel. If To Kill A Mockingbird was real, Atticus Finch never would have taken on the Boo Radley case. “I’d love to help that boy out, I really would,” he’d say. “But I have to worry about making ends meet and putting food on the table for my oddly-named children.”

EDIT: Yes, I know Atticus Finch represented Tom Robinson, not Boo Radley. I guess I underestimated the intelligence/anal retentiveness of our readers.

Monday, April 24, 2006

People You Meet In Law School # 16: Capt. Law School

Most law students like to argue about esoteric abstract issues that they can neither effect nor will ever effect them: "Should Social Security be Privatized? Does the Ninth Amendment provide a textualist rationale for the incorporation doctrine? What should I do if a girl talks to me at the bar this evening?"

Some students, however, are more grounded. These students want to deal, nay they must deal, with the practical unresolved issues of law school. These students are Captain Law School.

The Cafeteria closes at 3 but Torts doesn't get out until 3:30? Captain Law School will start a committee. Smelly smokers clustering around the law school entrance? Captain Law School will write an email to the dean of students. People not dressing up when an senator is visiting to speak on his pet issue? Captain Law School will remind people to "wear a tie".

If you'll notice, all these actions aren't really personal endeavors but actually just opportunities to tell someone else what to do. That's Captain Law School's true goal: Power.

And power is up for grabs at law school. A disillusioned, defeated, and disheartened population is easily led into tyrannical demagoguery. Napoleon knew it. Hitler knew it. And Captain Law School definitely knows it. Like Hitler or Napoleon, Captain Law School is seeking to compensate for his own shortcomings. Captain Law School is not a stellar student, and he believes that a resume padded with ultimately meaningless leadership positions will cause potential employers to look past his spotty academic record.

Captain Law School is invariably a guy who's gruff voice rises to take any leadership position real or imagined. He'll qualify himself by saying "I used to be president of my fraternity," "I worked in management," or "I'm 36 years old." No matter what he's not leaving this issue hanging without the label of president, treasurer, or guy-who-takes-the-envelope-of-professor-evaluations-to-the-office.

Capt. Law School may come in two different forms: First is the deadly serious Capt. Law School, who dresses in business casual, carries a briefcase, and drops lines like, "Well, I am off to speak with the Dean", without a hint of concern that the Dean doesn't care what he has to say. He earns respect because he seems to have everything together. The other type is the friendly Capt. Law School, a true man of the people, who walks up to you and asks you how the job search is coming, and cracks a joke about his own prospects. Once he has lulled you into being his friend, he fires off a quick "Hey, I'm running for SBA President, and I'd appreciate your vote", before leaving and seeking out his next victim.

Make no mistake, Capt. Law School is a shrewed opportunist. No opening for a titled position can escape his inevitable hat being tossed into the ring. Remember in the movie Glory, when Matthew Broderick asked who will pick up the flag and carry it forth if the flag bearer should fall, and the educated guy with glasses valiantly volunteered to do so? Had Capt. Law School been in that brigade, he'd have pushed him aside and said "I got this one covered, Four Eyes".

While Captain Law School may think of himself as a born leader, he is in fact just a beneficiary of circumstance. The herd of apathetic obsequious law students he leads doesn't create much competition for the position. After all, in the land of blind men, the one-eyed man is king.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Gullible 1L

Anonymous1L: Can I ask you a question about exams
barelylegalblog: shoot
Anonymous1L: Whats the least you've ever written for an exam answer
barelylegalblog: Once I turned in a blank exam, didn't write a word
Anonymous1L: Are you serious?
barelylegalblog: Yeah...I wasn't prepared, and I figured writing the wrong answer would hurt me more than writing nothing at all
Anonymous1L: What happened?
barelylegalblog: Grades came back and I got a B
Anonymous1L: No way! How?!?
barelylegalblog: I dunno, I don't question how the curve works
Anonymous1L: Thats incredible
barelylegalblog: I know, but I wouldn't recommend trying it...leave it to the pros
Anonymous1L: Wow...I can't believe that worked.

15 Minutes Later

Anonymous1L: Are you still there?
barelylegalblog: Yep
Anonymous1L: When you said you turned in a blank exam and got a B, were you just messing with me?
barelylegalblog: Of course I was, you fool...How are you in law school?

Friday, April 21, 2006

People You Meet in Law School #15: The High School Smoker

Within the walls of law school, it is a popular stance to take that you dislike law school. This stance is popular, I’d wager, because many people really do dislike law school. However, a percentage of these people who proclaim a dislike of their current lot in life in reality enjoy law school immensely. These are the High School Smokers.

If you’ll recall back to your high school days, one of the worst labels you could get was that of a “good kid”. You know the type: They volunteered at soup kitchens, prayed around the flagpole, and the principal knew his or her name, but not for a bad reason. These kids were tragically uncool, and in those days, that was one label you simply didn’t want. Some kids avoided the label naturally, because that’s just how they were; others had to make an effort, like by hanging around the bad seeds even though they weren’t bad themselves; and the rest? Well, they volunteered at soup kitchens, were active in their church, and the principal knew their names for good reasons, but to divert attention from their good side, they smoked.

This literal and figurative smoke screen served the high school smoker well. Simpleton jocks would see the high school smoker and be confused. "Is he a nerd or a rebel? Better play it safe and beat up a guaranteed nerd," the jock would say before moving onto easier prey. The high school smoker would exhale a tobacco-stenched sigh of relief as the jock ignored him and the Asian kid who claimed to know karate

In law school, the High School Smokers don’t actually smoke to blend in. Around their friends and acquaintances that are truly fed up with law school, they laugh at cracks about professors; agree with complaints about the administration; bitch about the class offerings; and make fun of those who don’t hide their love of law school. But when they do, a little part of them dies inside, because they themselves are fully enjoying their law school experience.

Why would someone pretend to dislike something just to fit in? Just like the high school smoker, they are more concerned with how other people perceive them than they are with being true to themselves. There is nothing wrong with being a “good kid”, just like there is nothing wrong with enjoying law school. To each his or her own. But some people need the approval of their peers, and so they try to avoid being associated with the less-socially acceptable group.

High School Smoker, you may imagine yourself as a law school Olivia Newton John who's traded in her poodle skirt and ponytail for a leather jacket and a perm but you're truly just a "Can't Buy Me Love" Patrick Dempsey, hoping your sunglasses will turn you into a "Risky Business" Tom Cruise.

So, High School Smoker, you can stop pretending. We’re on to you. We see that you attend every class, are a member of numerous clubs, and chat up professors during their office hours. And I’m here to tell you, it’s okay. Your first step towards self-actualization is admitting you’re a nerd.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

D's Get Degrees

Today is my last day of law school classes ever. No more long and ultimately pointless assignments, no more listening to pedantic professors drone on about the minutiae of law, no more shoddy wireless connections. I’m done, and I couldn’t be more pleased.

Do you know what else pleases me? Most of my classmates have reached my level of apathy. It’s so thick you can taste it. Go up to a group of 1Ls and you’ll find the nervous energy that precedes any exam period, with the fear of failure hanging in the air. A group of 2Ls will be less nervous but still focused on the upcoming tasks. But get a group of 3Ls together and it almost becomes a contest to see who is the laziest.

Finally! I am starting to relate to these people. If only everyone had been like this all three years, maybe I’d have enjoyed my law school experience.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Bad Reason for Attending Law School #6

My parents pressured me into it

For many people, their parents are the most influential people in their lives. Some people won’t make any decision without consulting mom and dad. Over time, parents tend to pick up on this trend and subtly try to steer their child in the right direction. That is, right for the parents.

It’s human nature for groups of people to pick out one member of the group with the weakest trait and make fun of them. For example, all the football players make fun of the kickers; kids in the business college make fun of marketing majors; and the rest of Europe makes fun of Greece.

Your parents are no different. In their little circle of friends, they want to make sure that you aren’t the kicker, marketing major, or Greek child amongst the group. Thus, when they hint to you that you should go to law school, they are looking out for themselves as much as they are looking out for you. After all, as long as you are in law school and not selling aluminum siding and living in their basement, they are assured of having bragging rights over at least some of the parents.

Parental pressure comes in several forms. They could try to flatter you: “Son, you have a good head on your shoulders and a way with words. You should be a lawyer.” Or they might be passive-aggressive: “You know, Judy Rosenbloom’s son Jared just got his law degree and is going to be working in New York City. What a nice young man he must be.” Or, in extreme situations, they could threaten you: “God damnit, we are sick of cleaning up your messes. First it was the car you wrapped around a tree in high school, and then that girl you knocked up in college. Over my dead body are you going to live here for free while you take time to ‘find yourself’. You are going to go to law school, just like we talked about!”

The problem here is that no matter how much they want you to do something, unless you want to do it too, you are just setting yourself up for a big disappointment. While you might want to please your parents, take the following into consideration: You are the one going to class, studying, taking exams, and trying to handle the pressure; you are more likely than not going to be paying the bills for your education; and you are the one who has to live with the decision, not them.

But you will be making your parents happy, and they can't wait to be able to gush when they tell their friends "Remember that child molester that used to terrorize our neighborhood? Our little Johnny got him an early release!"

On the other hand, if law school doesn't work out like you planned, they'll have to shamefully tell their friends that you've become the kicker of attorneys: A public defender.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

My day spent doing the final assignment for my Family Law Seminar, by the numbers:

9:30- The time of my first and only class of the day.

10:05- The time I actually woke up.

5- Minutes spent reading the assignment

15- Minutes spent trying to figure out exactly what a “Separation Agreement” is

2- Seconds I was close to freaking out before I realized I have a sample separation agreement to work from

10- Minutes between realizing that I have a sample to work from and when I told myself I was going to start

90- Minutes between realizing that I have a sample to work from and when I actually started

0- Times I considered crawling into a study hole and deleting the entire blog until I came out

30- Milligrams of Adderall I had to take in order to motivate myself to start

3- Times I got up to play with my dog's jowls

50- Times my girlfriend IMed me and asked how it was going

49- Times I replied "fine"

1- Time I replied "just finished"

.5- Seconds between that reply and my phone ringing

3.79- Cost of the Hershey’s Syrup I purchased after decided, in the middle of a sentence, that I wanted chocolate milk and I wanted it right then and there

5.5- Total time, in hours, spent on the paper

2.5- Time, in hours, I spent copying boilerplate language from the sample to my agreement

4,262- Number of words in my completed separation agreement

500- Estimated number of original words in my completed separation agreement

6- People who IMed me and asked if I planned on posting anything today. Happy?

Monday, April 17, 2006

Bad Reason for Attending Law School # 5

"I got a good score on the LSAT"

Remember those tests you'd get in guidance class in junior high where there'd be questions like, "Do you enjoy being outdoors? Do you like working with numbers? Would you enjoy working a late shift?" After taking the test you'd total up the your score and be provided with your scientifically determined "ideal job".

Invariably some guy would get a typically female job like "secretary," a smart kid would get "truck driver," and a dumb kid would get "doctor." After the merciless teasing was over, even 12 year olds could see that a scantron sheet was a ridiculous way to determine a career.

Just a short 9 to 10 years later, people will happily take the LSAT, "just to see how I do" and some will be so impressed with their scores that they will believe that they were made for law school. They will be certain that that their ability to determine that some glops are glooks but not all glooks are glops will also allow them to master a theory of jurisprudence that undergirds our complicated society.

If not instantly sure that their LSAT score has determined their destiny, they will become even more certain when schools they've never heard of from the other side of the country send them unsolicited scholarship offers based on their LSAT score alone. Sadly, these prospective students did not learn the ego shattering truth that high school taught most of us, "When someone wants to go out with you, it's not always because they find you attractive, and is usually because they are lonely and can't do any better."

But, once someone's scored in the 74th percentile, there's often no turning back. Look out, law school, here comes their brain, almost better than 3/4 of all the other kids who were thinking about applying. And when they arrive at law school and begin comparing notes with their colleagues, they find out they're not so exceptional after all. In fact, everyone at their school has a score within two or three points of theirs.

This sudden averageness upon enrollment is rarely disappointing, though. After all, even if you're one of the plainer women who get eliminated in the first round of the Miss America pageant, you still get to be Miss Delaware.

The true disappointment typically arrives after 1st semester grades when it becomes very clear that a good score on an objective multiple choice test is rarely a sound predictor of a good score on a subjective essay exam.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Law School Timeline

1784-The first law school in the United States opens. Soon after, the first gunner appears, commencing two-plus centuries of eye rolling.

1786- Several competing law schools open.

1788- Colonial News and Flat World Reports releases it’s first official law school rankings. Five schools are included. Students at the top two ranked schools mercilessly tease the students at the three lowest ranked schools, while the lower ranked schools tout their research and writing programs.

1795- Ezekiel Miller, a recent graduate of Harvard, has an idea to open a law school for more dimwitted students. This fledgling school produced numerous graduates, none of which were sought by employers. His school went bankrupt a few years later, but became the forefather of modern fourth tier schools.

1808- The first ever law school grading curve is introduced after all nine members of the 1L class at Harvard receive straight A’s, and rival schools complain of grade inflation. However, employers still prefer the three lowest ranked Harvard grads over those from other schools.

1823- Phineas McCloud, a 2L at Columbia, arrives late to class wearing the casual top hat instead of the more formal powdered wig. No one comments. The next day Phineas arrives in pajama pants and a sweatshirt.

1841- Our nation’s greatest citizen, Abraham Lincoln, proves the importance of law school in shaping great minds by becoming an attorney without ever having gone to law school.

1854- Ramrod College in New York City holds the first ever “law school box social dance”, a precursor to law prom. However, since there were no female law students at the time, it was wrongly interpreted to be for homosexuals, and the school quickly closed down and reopened a year later as the nation’s first gay dance club.

1865- The Civil War ends, leaving 560,000 dead. The actual number of dead was 560,778, but those additional 778 were attorneys, and were not counted amongst the casualties, since they wouldn’t really be missed.

1879- A partner at a large Boston law firm overhears two Irish immigrants speaking about a local prize fighter named Billy Boy Howard. The partner has an epiphany about how to charge clients and keep track of his associate’s work: Billable hours. The sensation sweeps law firms nationwide.

1880- Attorneys everywhere begin to hate their jobs.

1886- At Boston College, a student visited Dean Henry Banks in the hopes that Dean Banks could help him find employment. The Dean hemmed and hawed and was unable to give any sound advice other than "put thyself out there". Historians would later regard this encounter as the birth of career services.

1896- James Mitchell, a 1L at Yale, inspired by a “horseless carriage,” puts wheels on a suitcase and begins to carry his heavy books in the loud, cumbersome apparatus. James immediately becomes the butt of his classmate’s jokes.

1898- Ethyl Morris becomes the nation’s first ever female law student. Coincidentally, she becomes the first female law student to complain about not being able to find a man despite wearing numerous alluring bustles.

1911- Brandon Sterling, a 1L at Penn, publishes a pamphlet of law school observations and stories called “Sterling’s Musings on Law and the Modern Life”. It serves as a precursor to the “blawg boom” a century later, where one half of all law students maintained a weblog.

1923- Adam Stephens, a 1L at Michigan, receives a B+ grade in contracts despite rarely attending class or reading the assigned material, proving that you can succeed in law school without endless hours of toil. This unheralded hero is considered by many to be the Jackie Robinson of law school slacking.

1927- James Washington becomes the first African-American to attend law school, when he enrolls at Loyola University in Chicago. He founds the first ever Black Law Student Association, but disbands it when he realized he would always have to be the one sitting at the table selling exam survival kits.

1938- The ballpoint pen is invented, making it much easier for law students to take notes.

1940- Thomas Schmidt, a professor at Duke, bans ballpoint pens from class because he feels that because students are so busy writing clear and concise notes without the worry of ink smearing or the quill breaking that they can’t think and analyze what he’s telling them.

1949- The American Bar Association, during its annual meeting, votes nearly unanimously to change how law school is run. A declaration read: “Whereas, law school up until this point in time has been hands on and teaches the students how to actually practice law, we find this course of study to make too much sense. Therefore, it is the opinion of this panel that hereafter law school should focus on the arcane, obtuse, and impractical, and shall at no time attempt to prepare its students for life after law school.”

1954- The McCarthy hearings introduce young attorney Roy Cohn to the country. Evil children are inspired to opportunistically betray their nation. Law school applications rise, subsequently.

1968- A Time Magazine report on the effects of the rising counter-culture in our nation’s educational system reports that while free love and drug experimentation run rampant on college campuses, law students have largely been unaffected and are still “quite square”.

1976- On the last day of Professor Ronald Dixon’s Property class at Pepperdine University, frustrated students sarcastically applaud their terrible professor. Misinterpreting this as a sign of respect, other classes begin applauding their professors, a misguided tradition which swept law schools across the nation.

1988- The first Scalia opinions begin to creep into casebooks. A generation of sexually frustrated nerds, perpetually confused by women’s mixed signals, find a "straight talking" comrade.

1994- Westlaw introduces its online database of case law, rendering literally millions upon millions of books useless. Heroically, legal writing professors try to carry the torch for book research, a practice as useful as teaching children to use an 8-track.

1995- People everywhere rejoice as Microsoft Windows includes games such as solitaire in its operating system, giving law students everywhere something to do during class instead of take notes.

1999- At the University of Pittsburgh, a hard fought election campaign for SBA Vice President between Katie Campbell and Todd Spencer causes riots when the results are announced. Evidence comes forth that Spencer bribed the Asian Law Society, among other groups, to vote for him. An emergency meeting of the ABA produces a mandate that all future law school elections should follow the standard high school election procedure, complete with glittery posters and hopelessly unrealistic campaign promises.

2002-Andrew Barbino and Sarah Prince, both 1Ls at Iowa, engage in an epic duel during their oral argument. Prince spoke for 13 seconds before being interrupted by a question, at which point she froze up and did not say another word for the rest of her allotted time. Barbino seized the opportunity by stammering through a rehearsed speech, ignoring judge’s questions and keeping his eyes glued to his paper. However, due to the dearth of quality candidates, both were invited to join moot court.

2006- I am literally so bored that I sat down to write a fake timeline of law school events.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Bad Reason for Attending Law School # 4

"Law School is Prestigious"

You’ve been a winner all your life. Gold stars beside your name in kindergarten, Presidential Fitness award in 5th grade, National Honors Society in High School, and then finally attendance at a prestigious university for your undergrad.

At family gatherings, grandparents, parents, aunts, and uncles laud you for your achievements while ne’er-do-well cousins shoot menacing looks as they smoke in the backyard. You’re not just you, you’re (insert your name here) who goes to (insert undergrad university here).

Then suddenly you graduate and you’re back to being just you again. Even worse, you’re now (insert your name here) the temp, (insert your name here) who works at the Gap, or (insert your name here) the assistant to the industrial buyer at Procter and Gamble’s adult diaper division. After graduation, the adulation has stopped and the world has become a collection of Janet Jackson’s asking, “What have you done for me lately?”

During this crisis of confidence there is a simple solution in a society that reveres education for its own sake: go to law school. People may hate lawyers but, for some reason, they love law students. At law school the “oohs” and “ahhs” will keep on coming for another 3 years until people start expecting some real accomplishments again.

Just like a white guy who walked onto Duke’s basketball team and clapped from the bench all season, it’s great to be in a winner’s institution. But, when you graduate, you’ll just be the legal equivalent of “Steve who sells hot tubs at the boat show. Didn’t he play for Duke? I can’t remember. Doesn’t matter now, I guess.”

It seems you can rent prestige but you can never buy it. Maybe that’s why prestige’s root word is the Latin praestigiae, which means “conjurer’s trick”. In light of that, pay no attention to the Dean of Admissions behind the curtain.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Email of the Week

From a reader:

If your blog reflects the mentality of today's law students, the future of the rule of law in this society is in serious trouble. I do not see how such a level of self-absorbtion and infatuation with popular culture will ever lead to lawyers who care enough about their country to lift a finger to preserve our rapidly disintigrating Constitutional framework.

Grow up, look at what's happening, and stop fiddling while our Constitution burns.

And my response:

If your email reflects the mentality of today's practicing attorneys, then it should come as no surprise that today's law students are uninterested in the future of the rule of law. I do not see how such a level of self-importance and infatuation with one's own intellectualism will ever lead to people respecting lawyers or the general meaningless work that they do.

Calm down, get over yourself, and stop judging other people's values.

Monday, April 10, 2006

People You Meet In Law School #14: Red

If you recall from the movie The Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman’s character, Red, was the guy to go to if you needed something. He knew everything about the prison and everyone in the prison. If you had a question about anything, you went to Red.

Not surprisingly, every law school has a Red. This is the person, often a girl, who seemingly knows anything and everything there is to know about the inner workings of the school. Need to know which of the computer people is the best to go to? Ask Red. Wondering what day the vending machines are restocked? Red knows. Curious as to how many kids one of the adjuncts has? Three, according to Red. What can 1500 Westlaw points buy you? Red can tell you without even looking. Who is the ultimate source of gossip about who got the best jobs and who got shut out? Red, of course.

How does Red know all this information? The answer is simple: She has no life away from the law school building. Why go home to an empty apartment when the law library is buzzing with life? Why go out to lunch when the Patent Law Society is serving free pizza? Why use their printer at home when you get 500 free pages from the computer lab? Red loves to hang around and acquire all this knowledge, in the hopes that it will come in handy some day. That day usually never comes, but Red nonetheless enjoys holding court over some wide-eyed 1Ls, explaining the ins and outs of how the law school works.

“If you have a class in room 103, sit on the left side. That way, if you have to leave for any reason, you can do so with minimal disruption...When you are selling back your books, go to the guy with a table in the Arby’s parking lot. He gave me $25 for my Property book, and the bookstore only offered $22…The best time to ask the registrar for anything is around 1pm, right after she gets back from lunch…If you see Professor Smith in the hall, wish him well. His wife just had gallbladder surgery."

Usually, these 1Ls eventually figure out that most of this information is worthless, save for one enthusiastic person who is hanging on every word like a young Andy Dufresne. This is the dawning of the next generation of Red.

Ironically, for as much as Red knows about the law school, her grades are not impressive. While Red spends most of her time at school, not too much of it is spent actually doing school work. This doesn’t bother Red, however. Red knows that no one is going to ask for her outline, but she takes solace in knowing that if anyone ever needs the names of the janitors, they are coming to her.

What becomes of Red after she graduates? Much like in the movie, Red becomes institutionalized. Law school is all she knew, and life on the outside is tough. Not to worry though. You can find Red at a law office near you, telling anyone who will listen what the best time is to get coffee, who the best copy room employee is, and which partners are sleeping with what secretaries.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Bad Reason for Attending Law School # 3

"I want to work in a genteel profession"

People who use this reason probably don’t use the word ‘genteel’ but they definitely know what they don’t like: the prospect of a career in corporate America. They’d prefer to replace cubicle walls with oak bookshelves; coworkers with co-counselors; and TPS reports with memorandums.

You'll often find these people in Sports, Art, or Philanthropy Law classes, desperately hoping that there is a viable field more exciting than Corporate tax and less tragic than family law.

Some people imagine the profession of the law as being more of a gentleman’s club than a business, where problems are solved over cigars, brandy, and a game of backgammon while you just happen to get issued a check at the end of the month. Budgets, margins, productivity are just buzzwords for all those other jobs where it’s just “time to make the donuts”. The law, after all, is about pursuing noble goals, preserving sacred traditions, and inching us closer to a better society.

Guess what, Superman, the legal profession is not about “truth, justice, and the American way”. The legal profession is very much a business.

Corporate America may seem to be a bunch of mindless yes men who zealously defend their superiors’ and clients’ policies without regard to morality so long as their bonus is still promised. The legal profession is very different…they actually make you take an oath promising that you’ll zealously defend their clients without regard to personal morality or financial remuneration.

Corporate America constantly divides labor into salesmen, technicians, managers, etc, alienating the worker from the final product. The legal profession doesn’t subdivide tasks, however. Lawyers have to do all those jobs, find clients, do the legal research, manage cases, etc. After all this work, the only thing lawyers get alienated from is their families.

In corporate America you’ll be just some cog in capitalistic machine like other businessmen or women. In the legal profession you’ll at least be a name and maybe that name will even end up on the firm’s letterhead. This has got to count for something, to not be reduced to just a number. Doesn’t it?....It all depends on your total billable hours that year.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Graduation FAQs

Q: So Mike, are you looking forward to graduation?
A: I am looking forward to being done with law school but I am not looking forward to graduation, mainly because I will not be attending graduation.

Q: What? Not attending graduation? Why not?!?!?!?!
A: Because I don’t want to. Law school was not fun for me. Why would I want to celebrate it’s conclusion by attending a school sponsored function? Besides, I live my life by a few rules, and one of them is: Never attend any function where the required wardrobe cannot be used for any other function. And since a cap and gown looks ridiculous even at graduation, I clearly am not going to violate this rule.

Q: But won’t your family want to go? My family would kill me if I didn't go.
A: I told them when and where it is being held, and that they are welcome to attend. But I won’t be there. I didn’t attend my college graduation either. I don’t like stuff like this, and my family knows how I am. They begrudgingly accept it. And if you can't persuade your family that graduation isn't something you want to do, you should really question the value of the diploma.

Q: Come on, why are you being like this? Just go to graduation! This is a big event in your life!
A: For some people it might be a big event, but not for me. To me, graduating law school is nothing special. Look at some of the people who become lawyers. When I started, I fully intended to graduate. This isn’t some momentous occasion where I want to celebrate my accomplishments in the face of all the adversity I faced and the obstacles I overcame. (Note: By “adversity”, I mean “classes before 10:30am” and by “obstacles” I mean “the stairs in front of my school.”)

Q: Okay fine, but shouldn’t you still go, even if you don’t like it? It’s a milestone if nothing else.
A: What a way to celebrate a milestone. You sit uncomfortably in a gymnasium while the Dean tells you how proud he is, followed by an Appeals Court Judge telling you how proud he is, followed by another Dean telling how proud she is, and then you are herded like cattle to walk across stage and receive a fake diploma to a smattering of applause. Then you sit back down, wait for it to end, throw a hat in the air and take awkward pictures with your family. Is that any way to celebrate a milestone?

Q: Is there any situation in which you would attend graduation?
A: Yes, one. I would go if beforehand I could gather up the townspeople to come attend the ceremony, so that they could boo the new graduates and the fact that there are now 150 more lawyers in an already saturated market. And possibly throw tomatoes. Yes, I would absolutely go if that happened.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Recent Exchange

Mike: This sounds weird, but I kind of want to get a C in at least one class this semester, because I seriously haven't done shit. I haven't ever read for Crim Pro, I haven't even been to Securities Regulations since late January, and I stopped reading for Advanced Crim around Valentine's Day. The only class I read for with any regularity is Entertainment Law. If I can skate by with B's or better again, then something is seriously wrong with the system.

Russ: You should issue a challenge to the law school, like a villain in James Bond, stroking a cat in a leather chair and clucking, "That's right Dean Bond. In one of these scantron's are the answers of a student who has not read one page. Can you find it? Or will you give me another B and prove the futility of your career. Muhahaha."

Bad Reason for Attending Law School #2

“I have a worthless undergraduate degree”

College Senior #1: Hey man, what are you doing after you graduate?

College Senior #2: I am going to be working as a CPA, you?

College Senior #1: I don’t know yet, I went to the career fair last week and there weren’t very many booths that were looking for an English major with a Poly Sci minor.

College Senior #2: Sorry to hear that. Who would have thought that a guy with a 3.3 and a humanities degree from Big State U. would have so few options?

College Senior #1: I know…I really wish I had picked a practical major, like business or engineering. But they told me that with a humanities degree, I could do anything.

College Senior #2: Well, they were correct, sort of. In theory, you can do anything with any degree, but you have to get that degree from a really good school, or if not, you have to be really exceptional, which you, my friend, are not. No offense.

College Senior #1: None taken….Hey! I just had an idea! I should go to law school!

College Senior #2: Hmm…do you want to be a lawyer? Does that interest you?

College Senior #1: Sure, why not? How bad could it be? They take people with any educational background.

College Senior #2: That’s true, but do you want to be a lawyer? Do you know what law school is like and what it entails?

College Senior #1: What’s to know? Instead of going out in the real world and trying to find a job that interests me, and work really hard to get to where I want to be in life, I’ll go to law school, get a great job and make tons of money, and live it up with my “worthless” degree.

College Senior #2: Let me get this straight...A guy who hasn't done well enough in undergrad to make himself employable in any field except for sales thinks he is going to go to law school, a very competitive and rigorous program of study, and come out on top with one of the relatively few high paying jobs?

College Senior #1: Yeah....What could possibly go wrong?

Monday, April 03, 2006

People You Meet In Law School # 13: Lucy

Lots of people in law school like to argue, take charge, and think less of others. While these qualities may seem, on the surface, masculine, they are in fact found in abundance among women in law school. These law students are the Lucys, who much like their Peanuts inspired namesake, are the alpha females of law school.

Lucy realized a long time ago that being cutesy, prissy, or precious like other women was just beating around the bush. Don’t get me wrong, Lucy isn’t masculine (that’s Patty and Marci’s department) she just has no patience for the dizzy blonde Sallys of the world who pine over “sweet baboos.” When Lucy wants something, she asks for it. She doesn’t pout, she complains. She doesn’t hope, she achieves.

Lucy’s self-confident, cool-under-pressure attitude led lots of people to tell her “you should be an actress” or, if she wasn’t that attractive, “you should be a lawyer.”

And many Lucys do go to law school. They approach it with the same attitude they approach everything, with gusto. In Lucy’s opinion, unfairness exists in the world perpetuated by “blockheads” and no “security blanket” is going to help. Lucy is ready to argue for what’s right, in class and out.

Lucy actually enjoys the Socratic method. The process of leading someone down a logical path only to undermine their argument with a final “Yes. But what if…” is the graduate school equivalent of pulling a football out from someone right before they kick it.

For all Lucy’s gumption, romance sometimes eludes her. Men often can be turned off by a strong woman. Men often prefer women in an impersonal, idealized form, like the little red headed girl. After all, who wants their head bitten off every time they ask a question or to be charged 5 cents for advice.

Lucy probably doesn’t want her relationships to be the debating society her life is, so don’t be surprised if you see her with a more quiet, soulful, and artistic Schroeder type.

We don’t need any further evidence that we live in a sexist society other than the fact that Lucy is considered an exception based on her gender. If she’s on your side, you’re likely to say “she’s a real firecracker” or “she’s all business”. and if she’s against you you’re, liable to think (if not say), "she’s a bitch."