Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Seinfeld

It shouldn't be a surprise that the guys who categorized law students as the canary, the philosopher, the federline, etc, also love a show where the characters classify everyone, the closetalker, the soup nazi, the virgin, etc.

Seinfeld is great exploration and analysis of subtle issues that we deal with in everyday life, like who paid for the big salad. You'd think this is how the law would work. But, sadly the law is as humorless as the time Jerry stopped being funny for an episode so George's date would think he was the funny one.

To prove that the law is inherently humorless, I detailed below what would happen if the Seinfeld Foursome: Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine, had a fifth friend who was a lawyer.

Jerry: I'm the master of my domain! You owe me $100 dollars.

Lawyer Friend: Jerry, an oral contract based entirely on euphemisms wouldn't stand up in court. I'm not paying.

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Elaine: She couldn't spare a square!

Lawyer Friend: It was public property! But that opens up a lot of 'the tragedy of the commons' issues.

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Jerry: I dropped a junior mint in the man during open heart surgery.

George: Then I bought up all his paintings, hoping he'd die so I'd make a fortune.

Lawyer Friend: A junior mint? That's malum in se. George's profiteering is likely to be used in the remedial analysis as an unjust enrichment.

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Elaine: I know how I'll find out how they're real. I'll look at her topless in the sauna.

Lawyer Friend: If you'd like I could serve her with an interrogatory regarding both their realness and spectacularity.

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Jerry and George: We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Lawyer Friend: Don't worry guys, since Lawrence v. Texas, you two can do whatever you want with impunity.

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Jerry: I have an overdue library fine from when I lent George a book in high school but our Gym coach stole it when George got him fired and now the Gym coach is a bum who keeps the book in his shopping cart. It's amazing how that all tied together!

Lawyer Friend: Amazing? Hardly. It's called proximate cause.