Monday, April 10, 2006

People You Meet In Law School #14: Red

If you recall from the movie The Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman’s character, Red, was the guy to go to if you needed something. He knew everything about the prison and everyone in the prison. If you had a question about anything, you went to Red.

Not surprisingly, every law school has a Red. This is the person, often a girl, who seemingly knows anything and everything there is to know about the inner workings of the school. Need to know which of the computer people is the best to go to? Ask Red. Wondering what day the vending machines are restocked? Red knows. Curious as to how many kids one of the adjuncts has? Three, according to Red. What can 1500 Westlaw points buy you? Red can tell you without even looking. Who is the ultimate source of gossip about who got the best jobs and who got shut out? Red, of course.

How does Red know all this information? The answer is simple: She has no life away from the law school building. Why go home to an empty apartment when the law library is buzzing with life? Why go out to lunch when the Patent Law Society is serving free pizza? Why use their printer at home when you get 500 free pages from the computer lab? Red loves to hang around and acquire all this knowledge, in the hopes that it will come in handy some day. That day usually never comes, but Red nonetheless enjoys holding court over some wide-eyed 1Ls, explaining the ins and outs of how the law school works.

“If you have a class in room 103, sit on the left side. That way, if you have to leave for any reason, you can do so with minimal disruption...When you are selling back your books, go to the guy with a table in the Arby’s parking lot. He gave me $25 for my Property book, and the bookstore only offered $22…The best time to ask the registrar for anything is around 1pm, right after she gets back from lunch…If you see Professor Smith in the hall, wish him well. His wife just had gallbladder surgery."

Usually, these 1Ls eventually figure out that most of this information is worthless, save for one enthusiastic person who is hanging on every word like a young Andy Dufresne. This is the dawning of the next generation of Red.

Ironically, for as much as Red knows about the law school, her grades are not impressive. While Red spends most of her time at school, not too much of it is spent actually doing school work. This doesn’t bother Red, however. Red knows that no one is going to ask for her outline, but she takes solace in knowing that if anyone ever needs the names of the janitors, they are coming to her.

What becomes of Red after she graduates? Much like in the movie, Red becomes institutionalized. Law school is all she knew, and life on the outside is tough. Not to worry though. You can find Red at a law office near you, telling anyone who will listen what the best time is to get coffee, who the best copy room employee is, and which partners are sleeping with what secretaries.