Here's another long story for the weekend. If this is your first time to Barely Legal: The Blog. Check out one of our more bite sized posts. May I suggest The People You Meet In Law School #5: Jean Shorts Guy.
Mike and I have a good friend who, for the sake of this blog we’ll call Brett, from Blafayette, Bindiana. If you can figure out his true identity, more power to you.
Brett recalled a story from his youth the other day that Mike and I found quite amusing. Here it goes.
When Brett was 17 he worked in a factory in the rural Midwest. Often times, orders would slow and Brett would have the opportunity to make small talk with his coworkers, most of whom considered factory work a long-term proposition.
Brett began talking with a guy in his late 20s about girls and the guy interjected, “Who’s your favorite porn star, man? I love Jenna Jameson.”
Brett had to confess that he had, in fact, never seen a porno movie. “I’m only 17. I’m not allowed to watch them.”
“Well that’s a damn shame, my man,” said the older, but not necessarily wiser, co-worker. “Hell. I’ll sell you one of mine.”
Brett and his mullet-headed colleague made the pricing and pick-up arrangements. A few days later Brett was the proud new owner of "Extreme Janine Closeup.” When Brett got home he realized that his god-fearing, NASCAR-watching, red-state parents would not be pleased if they found this “filth” in his room. Brett, therefore, decided to play it safe. Brett took off the cover of the video and went out to the garage where he put the cover in the garbage and shifted some more garbage over it. If his parents found the actual tape it would just look like, at first glance, a copy of “The Dukes of Hazzard” that he was known to record off of TBS.
The next day, Brett walked into his house to find to find his mother and father standing there.
“Brett, we need to talk to you,” said his mother. She pulled out the coffee ground stained porno video cover that Brett had hidden in the garbage the day before. “Brett, I found this while taking out the trash. Your father and I are very worried about you. Do you know that most serial killers start out by watching pornography?”
Brett’s father nodded sternly during the lecture.
Brett stammered and looked sheepishly at the ground.
“Brett, what do you do when you watch this? No. Wait. Don’t answer that!” said his mother. “The point is we’re very concerned. Aren’t we dear?”
Brett’s dad just said, “Yes. Very.”
Surrounded on all sides by moral indignation, it occurred to Brett that 1) he was only a few months from being able to walk into the local Family Video and rent this without recrimination, 2) The video was hardly pablum for wanna-be serial killers as it was“soft-core” porn, and 3) that his Dad should understand all of these points for a variety of reasons. At this point, Brett decided to throw his dad under the bus.
“What are you on my case for? Dad has porn magazines out in the garage,” Brett interjected.
Brett’s mom shot his father a look that could kill.
Brett’s dad turned bright red and said, “Those are Playboys from years ago! They’re just collector items.”
“Then why are a bunch of them Hustlers from 1998?” quipped Brett.
Brett’s mom’s brow narrowed and crinkled further as her gaze ate into his father.
“That’s it. I’m out of here,” said Brett and he stood up and left.
His parents must have realized how much they overreacted and that the "soft-core" apple doesn’t fall far from the “all anal-action” tree. They never brought it up again.
Today, Brett is a full grown man who buys all the porn he wants.
