Not surprisingly, my distaste of authority for it's own sake did not start on my first day of law school. Whether it was gym clothes regulations in high school or bathroom pass policies in elementary school, I have always tried to "beat the system."
In fact, my hijinks go back even further. When I was four, my mother got me one those stupid leashes people put on kids so they can't run away. Every time she put it on me I would get on all fours, bark, and say, "I'm a puppy. I don't use a bathroom," much to her consternation.
I didn't understand that the living room wall wasn't my crayola fresco or that "poop" wasn't a word that should be shouted at church, during a sermon. What I did understand is that sometimes, when I was being true to my inner spirit, my mother would go into a rage and spank me. What made it worse is that she would say something clever before spanking me like, "I'm going to play a tune on your rear."
Now having a child who is a smart ass still means that he is smart. So, I devised a plan for the next time she wanted to spank me. It was so brilliant that I couldn't wait to get into trouble! I promptly began to flush things down the toilet.
When I heard the shrill scream, "Russellllll!" I knew my mother had found a toilet full of GI Joes and I began to run to the kitchen and put my anti-spanking plan into action. I opened one of the bottom kitchen cupboards, grabbed a pot lid and shoved it down my pants. She could spank away for all I cared, Corningwear had me covered.
She stormed into the kitchen to find me standing defiantly in a superman pose (legs spread, elbows at 90 degree angles, fists planted in my sides). This valkerie in a print dress rushed at me, quipping "You are cruising for a bruising." I braced myself as she wound her arm out to hit me. When her palm hit my bottom I felt nothing. Success! Ha ha, I was the smartest kid in the world!
Then, I noticed that she was holding her hand in pain and now she looked way more angry than she did before and possibly angrier than I'd ever seen her. I was cornered in the kitchen with no escape. Uh oh! I hadn't thought this far. No amount of smug cuteness could've saved me from the spanking that followed.
As she walloped me I screamed, "I'll be good from now on. I promise," until she stopped.
What a sucker! I melted some crayons in the microwave later that day.
