When you're a horrible drunk and even worse human being there are a lot of inevitabilities: Bar fights, destroyed relationships, and jail time. But if you're a 95 pound 20 year old, no one will go to the bar with you, no girl will date you, and the police will let you off with a juvenile's warning.
This was the fate of Dingus, the fraternity brother everybody loved to hate.
I know what a lot of you are already thinking, "Why would you even hang out with someone you hated." Well, first of all he's a fraternity brother, he's basically legally entitled to attend all the fraternities' events. Secondly, Lots of people did just ignore him. He once confronted me in an angry, drunken rage and said, "I know you and Mike are always making fun of me." to which I gave the brutally honest and ego crashing answer, "Dingus, who else even talks to you." Third, there is something in the male psyche that begs oneself to watch impending tragedy, whether a bug under a magnifying glass or angry weakling with a fifth of Captain Morgan in him.
Luckily for us, Dingus never did fail to provide several humorous outbursts. These are his stories (hopefully they can translate to the written word unlike 99% of fraternity "you had to be there" stories):
# 1: Picking on Patty
Pat, probably the most docile and nicest fraternity brother decided one day to drop the Mr. Nice Guy act and actually pick on Dingus for a change. Dingus, apparently, didn't care how insulted he was but rather who insulted him. Dingus let out one of his gravely, Beavis-esque, "Fuck You's" and hurled a beer at Patty's head. No real damage was done, due to Dingus' scrawniness, despite contact being made. Mike and I then begged Pat to give Dingus a justified beating. Pat, like everyone else Dingus has ever bothered, found it too pathetic to try to fight a 90 lbs man.
# 2: Fighting for the Bottom of the Totem Pole.
I wish Dingus was our fraternity's only scrawny loser but I'm afraid he wasn't. Dingus had his rival for the bottom of the totem pole in CJ, a scrawny little bullshit artist who decided it would be funny to kick Dingus in the balls at the beginning of a party. Dingus was still sober then so he didn't do anything about the attack except complain about it. All through the night, Dingus nursed his balls and his beer telling everyone, "That fuckin' CJ kicked me in the balls." By the end of the night, six hours after the original incident, Dingus ran out of people to complain to and walked up to CJ and punched him in the face without a word. Everyone shook their heads in disappointment at these two straw men and suggested that Dingus go to bed.
# 3: I Keep My Friends Close, But My Enemies Closer.
Nobody could stand Dingus or CJ so, naturally, they had to move in together. CJ had actually managed to get himself a cute girlfriend which really took the edge of the angry, drunk, Beavis voice CJ had to listen to every day. At a kegger one night, I "tricked" CJ's girlfriend into taking off her top in front of me and 10 other guys. Word of this event spread room to room throughout the 6 bedroom off-campus house. Finally we heard the news reach the room next to us: a gravely Beavis-esque howl cried out, "This is fuckin' bullshit! Everyone gets to see them but the roommate!"
Ah, Dingus. You were actually a nice guy when you were sober and we always treated you that way when you were sober. I heard you're now a CPA in Kansas City. I hope you're in a program or something.
