When I was 16, alcohol was hard to come by. Neither I nor any of my friends had a fake ID, and none of us had the "cool" parents who would let you drink at their house as long as you stayed there. So if we wanted to drink, we had to engage in the very risky activity of garage hopping, which typically yielded little in return. Beer was such a rare commodity that if you somehow scored a 12 pack, you could be a total dick about how it was divided among your friends. "You two share this one. You get three because you helped me swipe it from the garage. I get these four." Anyway, there was a big 4th of July party coming up, and we were trying to figure out a way to get some beer. It seemed all but hopeless, until one day when I had a really, really good idea.
At Krogers, the restrooms were in the back of the store, right next to a huge room where they keep all the extra cases of soda and beer and other beverages. It was very common for extra or damaged cases of these beverages to be left outside the door of this giant room, which was right across from the men's restroom. I guess that I was always aware of this, but it didn't strike me as significant until one day when this idea hit me like a ton of bricks. "If I can pull this off", I thought to myself, "I'll be swimming in beer."
Surprisingly, I didn't do anything drastic at that point. I knew that in order for my idea to work, I had to do some planning. First, I went up to the manager's office to see where the surveillance cameras were. I kind of milled around as if looking for something, all the while keeping my eye on the security camera feeds. I saw what I needed to see, and I was in luck, because the door to the men's restroom was not in the range of any camera. Next, I found out that all the stock guys go on break at 12:30. That was when I would execute my plan.
Finally, H-Hour arrived, and I grabbed a roll of clear packing tape from the video department and set off to the back of the store. Once there, I surveyed the area. No one was around. I looked at the door to the room where all the beverages were stored, and saw that the excess cases were still sitting on the floor. I poked my head in the men's room to make sure it was empty, and it was. I went over to the excess cases and grabbed a 24 pack of Diet Coke and a 24 pack of Miller Light. I took them into the restroom with me and went into the handicapped stall. I placed each case on the toilet seat and opened the Diet Coke. I removed all the cans of Diet Coke and placed them on the railings along the walls. I then opened the case of Miller Light and put all the cans into the Diet Coke case. I quickly sealed it up with the clear packing tape. Then I placed the Diet Coke cans into the Miller Light case, and sealed it up as well. I left the stall to quickly check that the coast was still clear, and it was. I grabbed both cases and left the restroom. I dropped the Miller Light case on the pile of damaged cases, and took the Diet Coke case up to the front of the store, had it rung up, paid for it, and stored it in the trunk of my car.
It was just that easy.
I could hardly contain my giddiness the rest of my shift. I called my friends and told them that I would have our beer for the party. They asked how, and I just said, "Don't you worry about that." Each of the next two days, I did the same thing, once switching RC Cola with Red Dog, and once switching Sprite with Budweiser. The third time I was doing it, I nearly got caught because a manager came in to the restroom while I was doing the switch. He went into the other stall to take a dump. He could surely see my feet and anything else on the ground, and I couldn't just stand there for however long it would take him, so I sat down and held the cases on my lap. Finally after a few minutes he finished and left. I quickly put the last few cans into the cases and got out of there. I now had three cases of beer and I figured that was plenty, and I didn't want to risk getting caught.
Looking back, I cannot believe that I pulled this off. It is by far the most brazen thing I did while I worked there, and definitely the most illegal. I don't know if the cases of "beer" which I placed back on the pile were ever sold, but I have to think that I would have heard about somebody buying Miller Light and instead getting 24 Diet Cokes. But, my friends, let me tell you this: You will never taste a beer so sweet as one which you swindled from your unsuspecting employer.
